PYHO: Home in Heaven

Where do I begin? These past eleven days have been a blur. Sunday April 1st was any regular day for my family. We attended church that Sunday followed by our afternoon group gathering for church. It was even a little more fun since we went out to dinner after wards at our local BBQ restuarant. Then it all changed when I got the phone call from my mom.

My aunt, who was recently moved to a rehab facility here where I live from Tampa, was going into the hospital. Several months back she had gone into the hospital for swelling in her legs. It was discovered that she had sorosis of the liver and she was not an alcohol drinker. We believe that some years back another doctor told her that she had this, but due to her limited mental capabilities, she did not realize the severity of her condition.

 The rehab facility called my mother and told her that my aunt was having trouble breathing. And it must have gotten bad enough for them to call an ambulance. En route to the hospital from the facility, which is merely two minutes away, something happened. The hospital staff said, "crashed". She "crashed". Whatever that means for them, it meant she lost consciousness, stopped breathing and was intibated.

The next morning my husband and I went to see her in the ICU. She was not conscious, she was heavily sedated and on a ventilator machine. It was a surreal moment. The tears welled up in my eyes and I went to her bedside. I rubbed her arm and spoke to her, calling her name. I was shocked that she turned her head towards me and fluttered her eyes. My husband said her heart rate jumped up ten numbers and it worried him. He said "I don't think we should be trying to wake her".

He went to the nurses station and asked the nurse that was caring for my aunt, about trying to communicate with her. Apparently they didn't want us to do that. They wanted her heart to stay calm while she was fighting so many infections in her body. She currently had pneumonia, one lung was completely full of fluid and her liver failing had caused the ammonia in her body to rise to dangerous levels. Adding these complications to her already failing body put her in danger.

Sadly, this Monday, April 9th my aunt passed away and joined the Lord. Her heart withstood as much as it could for nine days but couldn't hold on any longer. She is now free from pain. I am happy for her. She is now a smart person in heaven. God has released her from her limited mental capabilities. He has made her well again.

Humanly, I am still sad for her. And tomorrow we will attend the first of two funerals for her. One here,  and one back in Tampa. I have not cried this week for her. Not that my heart doesn't ache to have her fleshly body here on Earth with us, but I know that she is in a better place now. That she doesn't have to depend on breathing machines, western medicines, wheel chairs and many other medical devices to lengthen her life here.

It has been a rough time for me and my family. I'm glad that she we recently celebrated her mother's birthday all together. The whole family. My brothers, their spouses and children and my parents. She was surrounded by us all before the sickness took her home.

You never know when the last day will be with your loved ones. 

Please forgive me if I do not respond to your comments right away this weekend.

PYHO: Disappointed and Dirty

I am disappointed with my self lately. My inability to complete my regular house work chores is leaving me frustrated. For the past few weeks I have been just "getting by" with my regular chores around the house. I make it through most of the laundry. I sort it. Wash it. Dry it. Fold it. And then it sits clean in a basket for days. Then when some one, usually my husband, runs out of something to wear, I start all over again. I have no choice but to finally put away the clean clothes that have been sitting around for days.

The laundry is only the tip of the iceberg. The lack of motivation is spilling over into other areas as well. My dusting in the house. The filing of papers. My coupon cutting. I am becoming so overwhelmed with the unfinished work that I don't know where to start. This behavior is so unlike me that it is really aggravating me.

I feel like a failure. In my own mind I'm failing at something. I'm not sure what anyone else thinks, because the only ones witnessing this are the kids and my husband. My husband is not a neat freak, so it's not going to bother him. Miss K follows in her dad's footsteps so she is not fazed by it. And Little E, he's not really old enough to realize how OCD I am.

The bigger issue I have with not finishing the regular day to day chores is, that I can't even justify starting on other chores that have manifested through out this. The season have changed, both kids have outgrown some clothes and I need to get the excess stuff out of their rooms. It's piling up. My garage looks like the beginnings of Hoarders. Seriously. It's scary.

The pressure of all this is taking a toll on my personality and I lashed out at my husband about it. So many of our weekends have been compromised by other events that I have no spare time to catch up. Some have been for pleasure. Thanks to Spring Break. Some have been due to family emergencies. Which you can't blame.

I need more time!

I need another me!

 I need to let go and stop beating myself up.
 How do you tell a perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, clean freak that it's ok that the dogs haven't been bathed and seriously need it, the dust behind the tv's will be ok for another week and that no body cares that you have three weeks of three Sunday newspapers sitting on your front porch. At least I live on a dirt road. 

And if you only knew the rest.

PYHO: Dance Mom

Life as a dance mom has it's moments. The mundane trips back on forth to the studio. Sitting for hours in the viewing room watching your child through the glass. Dressing your child for class, getting the perfect bun. Competition weekends, the stress of accomplishing make up, hair, costume and lunch in less than an hour. Watching your child get criticized because she screwed up her step more than five times in a row. Then listening to the stories from the dance moms you have befriended.

There is so much more in between but I've given you a brief idea of what goes in in our dance life. Mine as the mom. Miss K as the dancer. You'd think I'd throw up my hands in defeat and walk out of the studio and not look back. But there's always a silver lining. 

She loves to dance and I sacrifice my time to make that happen for her.

Our first year at this studio I only knew two other moms and the underlying drama never affected me. I kept to myself and watched my daughter practice. Now that this is our third year and Miss K is on the competition/ performance team we know a lot of the moms. 

Miss K has made friends with her classmates and team mates, naturally. I've become friends and acquaintances  with several of the moms of her team mates. The one thing I've learned in life, from my own mistakes, you keep your mouth shut. You can be a better friend to some one if you don't gossip. 

Yesterday one of the moms told me that her daughter was criticized by of one the team mates about her technique on a tap step. I was surprised and looked in on the class and didn't have a clue about which girl would do that. She asked me if Miss K would do that. I know my daughter and she is a friend to everyone. She does not discriminate. I told her no way, K is a type A leader personality, but she is not mean.

Today in the competition class, during practice for this weekend's performance, the same mom was sitting next to me watching the girls run through the dance. The instructor had changed part of their dance and her daughter messed up something. The girl next to her, stops in the middle of tapping and walks over to the instructor. I was like what the heck?

The mom says to me "she's calling her out. I can't believe that. she's tattling on L". I looked at the mom and we shared the look.  I knew right then that the girl that just tattled on her daughter was the same one who made fun of her the day before. I was shocked. 

Shocked.

I was very shocked since we spent the weekend with that girl and her mom two weekends ago at the FDM Competition in Coral Springs. We shared a hotel room with them and I would have never guessed her to be so mean. 

That meanness can drive a wedge between girls who should be team mates.  

This realization makes me look at this girl in a different light. Sadly. I will not breathe a word of this to any of the other moms or my daughter, but it's one of those things that will be filed in my brain. You have to watch out for your back and your child. 

But I don't want to remove the sparkles from my little girls world. She LOVES to dance and enjoys it.   

Life as a dance mom for us is nothing like you see on tv. At least not our studio.

PYHO: One Click Away

Last week I posted about my time management or lack there of. I came in today to read emails, reply to comments and realized that I had not written another post since that one. Boy, that is disheartening.I obviously did not motivate myself enough to write anything. It's not the motivation, really. I have that. It's finding the time, the peace and quiet of the day to write down what's on my mind. When I get an idea to write about something, I've been typing snippets of it on my "notes" on my iPhone. Good idea, right?

Not really. I never seem to get back to them. Then when I do, it's been a few weeks and the idea seems dead. Who wants to read about a silly story that happened three weeks ago? Maybe some one.

I'm not going to let this get the better of me and my writing. For now, my life behind the keyboard has been very full and I know that if I stepped away from the real life, what's going on, that I'll miss it. Then I'll have nothing to write about. 

Miss K went to her very first dance competition this weekend. We left the boys at home. It was mother/ daughter time. And thanks to the lovely hotel we stayed at, the use of my lap top never happened. They want to charge $9.95 a day for internet use. We were there three days!! I was hoping to write about the weekend. Post pictures of my sweet girl taking classes, dancing on stage. But it has had to wait.

Last week Little E was sick, a sore throat that started on Thursday that lo and behold became strep throat on Monday. I have no idea how my husband checks the kids while I am away, but I know he is not like myself. I ask how the kids are feeling in the morning. 

So a trip to the pediatrician, a throat culture and we determined he has strep. Four dollar antibiotics and two days home for me with the little guy. And amazingly I never noticed that he was a little run down. Because by yesterday afternoon, he was full of himself.

I'm glad to be back at work today. It's quiet here today. Which is how I am writing this post. Stealing time here.

So you see, I have stuff to write, but not enough time to click it out. The stuff of my life, which my life is consuming.  Does that make sense? I am not complaining. Just venting. I take conferences for scrap booking to have time to do that. I need to take a getaway weekend to write. Authors do that, right? I'm not an author, but heck.

I'm glad I have this outlet when I get the time to use it. My friends on the other end of this, the ones who comment, encourage and read my "stuff",a BIG thank you. A million thank yous. For without you, I might not write as often. 

I know that is not what this is about but today. thank you!!! 

PYHO: Time Management

 
Time management has always been an issue of mine that I just can't seem to conquer. Being a mom to an eight year old child with ADHD, that is involved with extra curricular activities, plus an intelligent, full of energy four year old, those responsibilities take up a lot of my time. 
Then you add in working outside the home 15 hours a week split between three days, all the chores that come with owning a home that have pets living in it and dedicating my family and myself to our church. 

And I can't forget spending quality time with my husband after the regular day to day chores are done, when I'm finally sitting down taking a breath of air. 

Where is the ME time? Now, I do have free time in my day and when that time is, varies from day to day. Sometimes that time still gets used for some other unexpected trip to the store, the bank, or a catastrophic mess (we've had a few of those lately) and when the day is over after those "extras", I am exhausted. Leaving my extra time in the evening, to pass out asleep.


The time that I try to set aside for myself is split between three important things to me. Blogging. Reading emails and other blogs. Reading my devotions and Bible. I have several other things I would love to do, but they get put by the wayside more often than not. 


I love to write when I have the time. Okay, we've covered that my time is very limited. I used to sacrifice sleeping time and would stay up at least an hour longer to write my posts. But that caught up with me after too many weeks of doing that. Then I dipped into my time that was spent on reading my devotions and wrote posts during that time. 


Feeling guilty about not reading my devotions caught up with me and I had to find time some where else to write my posts. Really? How does anyone else do this? How do other bloggers find the time to write posts, read other posts, read emails, respond to emails? 


Why do I feel so guilty about something that is supposed to be a hobby? Something that I enjoy. 

PYHO: Drawing the Line

I tried feverishly without any luck to find a previous post to give back information on the post I am writing about. Of course, I'm not very good at always labeling my posts and cannot find the one I want. I thought for sure that it was a PYHO that I posted it in, but I cannot seem to find it. so hopefully for those of you who read my blog regularly, you'll remember this person. If not, I hope that I can give you enough back ground.

When do I draw the line? Or where do I draw the line? This friend of mine has made decisions and said things that have bothered me before and being the good friend, I let them go.

 When we first became friends it was just she and I. We spent time together, having long conversations and enjoying each others company. One of the conversations was about when they used to have a playroom in their house before their youngest was born. They used to have the children of their guests play in there with their own children. After their youngest was born, instead of letting other children play in their kid's rooms with their kids they forbade it.

I didn't think much of it. She told me that the rule applied to her sister's kids because they were destructive and broke toys and made messes they didn't clean up.

The first time we got our families together, my kids were allowed in the bedrooms. I thought nothing of it.

A few times later, we showed up to closed bedroom doors. It wasn't noticed until Little E attempted to go into her boys' room and was told he wasn't allowed. That struck a nerve. 

Really?

My kids have never been allowed to leave some one elses house without helping to clean up and we have never broken a toy. So what the hell happened?

Of course I let it go. I never said anything. Which I regret now.

I thought subtlety sending the message that if she was going to dis include my kids, then I would be the same way. But it only lasted so long at my house.

My husband and I decided that we would limit the playing to either Miss K's room or Little E's. We alternated it each time. We haven't been together with our families in awhile and the kids were really excited about having their friends over. I still had my rule of one room open. It was a bad night for me and maybe I was just feeling weak and didn't want to argue.

Miss K asked me if she and one of the girls could go in her room and the rest of the crew play in Little E's. Sure, why not.

You would think a child the age of eleven, my friend's oldest, would be the most responsible. Maybe when they're keeping a close eye on him. He should have been the one keeping an eye on the little ones to prevent breaking toys, but he broke several toys that belonged to Little E.

You know how it goes though. They don't say they broke the toy. The kids bring it to me and tell me it needs new batteries. I was a little surprised since the toy was only three weeks old. I complied and replaced the batteries. Yeah, it didn't fix the problem. After further inspection,it was discovered the toy was broken. A toy that I don't know where to buy, since I have never seen one in the store. One that was a gift from my older brother to my son.

The icing on the cake. My friend never offered to replace it or even half attempt to. Not that I would have let her pay for it, but the offer would have settled my mind. So now I am unsettled about it.

So the line has been drawn. I'm not sure if I should say something? We're pretty close of friends, or at least I thought so. Do I risk the friendship? It is that petty? I know that if I don't say anything, my actions will speak louder than words. The next get together at my house, you'll be sure to know that the bedrooms doors will be locked. The message will be loud and clear. Even without words.





I am linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her weekly meme, Pour Your Heart Out. Link up and join, read others, support those who have poured their heart out this week.

PYHO: Purity Starts at Seven

I know that I am led to see or read things in my life. I believe in fate. Maybe even a little bit of pre destiny. This morning while getting my daughter's hair ready for school, it's school picture day, she talked about the last time she was at the dentist's office. Maybe it was because we were making a big fuss with how her hair looked. She said to me " the man dentist asked me if I had a boyfriend". I looked at her like what?

"I told him noooo", Miss K answered innocently "and then he said oh, by the next time you come to get your teeth cleaned, I'm sure you will". She was looking at me with question in her eyes as if I had an explanation as to why he would say that.

Heck I don't know why! Why would he ask my eight year old daughter a question like that? I know that she is a very pretty little girl, she'll knock you down with her gorgeous eyes. I may be partial because I'm her mother, but seriously, she is beautiful.

So maybe he figured that being such a pretty little girl, she would have a boyfriend. I really don't know.

This was the opening to the moment I plan on having with her later. At the time, I didn't know it. I get a monthly newsletter from Crosswalk Daily.com and it my email today, there was a parenting newsletter titled Sexual Purity Starts at Seven.


God was talking to me again. He opened my eyes this morning with Miss K's conversation and if I had not had that conversation, I probably would have never read this email. But it caught my eye because my awareness has been piqued.

I want to share this newsletter with you because sexual relations amongst preteens and teens is on the rise. I want to try my best to keep my daughter from making the same mistakes I made when I was a young teenager and the first step is awareness.

Sexual Purity Starts at Seven

Dannah Gresh

By the time she is sixteen, a Christian girl has a 50/50 chance of surviving life without the experiences of sexual sin, eating disorders and depression. Parents who “did everything right” can’t understand how it happened when their daughter falls on the wrong side of the stats. What they don’t know is that they may have done everything right, but started too late. The foundation for building an emotionally healthy teen girl -- who stands free from the norms of an at-risk culture -- is built between the ages of 8-12.
I have to hold myself back every time a white-haired grandma leans in to her pig-tailed granddaughter and teasingly asks her, “So, do you have a boyfriend?” This, usually said with a chuckle and a batting of the eyes, is generally meant to be just silly conversation, but I know too much to consider it to be cute. It is dangerous.  Being in a dating relationship for six months or longer is a significant risk factor for early teen sexual activity. Can you see why it might not be “cute” for our 8-12 year olds to be boy crazy or to have multiple boyfriends while they are still in the fourth grade? If she develops the pattern of “needing” a guy when she is eight or nine, she’s going to be in many six-month relationships in her early teen years. That’s not wise. Let’s help her stay off the boy crazy train.
I have two sixteen-year-old girls who have not only stayed off of it, but have managed to pull a few friends off. How do you navigate through boy craziness? There are three critical things you must do to prepare your princess to be successful in her quest for purity. First, you’ll need to have the big sex talk. Don’t think for a minute that it’s too early. Experts agree that sexual value formation begins when a child is between the ages of 8-10. A healthy, age-appropriate conversation during those years is critical. Second, you need to begin to establish your family philosophy on dating and begin to explain it to your child in stages. This will begin with the first stage of teaching her to related to boys as friends, not boyfriends in fourth grade! Finally, mom, it’s time to start dreaming of her future. If you take the time now to establish a dream of purity and a white wedding dress in her heart, she will know what to aim for and will be less likely to settle for anything less.
The book of Proverbs describes a virtuous woman. It says that she does her husband good “all the days of her life.” I think that includes when she’s seven!
*Article originally posted November 2009 on GirlsGoneWise.com.

I knew that I would need to start having the "talk" with her, but I never realized that it may be sooner than later. And I'm okay with that. 

PYHO:Twelve Days

I know I've said somewhere this summer I couldn't wait for school to start. That twelve weeks was just too long for summer vacation. I think that was me when the last school bell rang and I was thinking, what am I going to do for the next three months with the kids?? Especially since we live on a limited budget which does not allow me to take them on an excursion everyday. How could we possibly fill the time up everyday?

For five different weeks I shuffled Miss K back and forth to either an art camp or a nature camp. I wanted to keep her creative juices flowing through the summer since public school doesn't offer enough art/creative arts/music/science in the curriculum anymore.

But we did squeeze in several trips to Sea World. Thank you Sea World and EZ Pay annual passes-we LOVE you! Shamu does Rock! Summer Nights was the best.

We spent several Saturdays or Sundays at the beach. We made a trek to Tampa and visited some out of town family. We even made several trips to the library. My kids LOVE books.

But now I'm feeling guilty. Many times I have wished that school would start already. Those are on the days when we're having down time and the kids are nagging each other, picking on each other and not just getting along.... I want school back. I feel so guilty.

Here we are just 12 days away from the first day of school and these last twelve days are going to fly by. I'm sad.

I'm going to redeem my bad thoughts and celebrate my birthday and our last weekend of summer fun and take the kids for a four day beach weekend. This Friday the four of us are packing up and heading to one of our northeast beaches. I am so excited! I am not going to think about back packs, schedules, dance classes, preschool or 6 am wakeups this whole weekend.

I'm going to laugh at my silly kids while they play in the pool, dig sand castles by the beach, swim in the salt water and let them stay up late the last weekend they can.

This Saturday is my 35th (gulp) birthday and I'm sharing the celebration with my children. Normally, I would plan an event with my closest friends for a night on the town. But not this year. I'm going to soak up the sweet tenderness of my now 4 year old and 8 year old. My little man is going to be starting preschool this year and my princess is going into the third grade.

They won't be little forever.

I still feel guilty. Where did the summer go?

PYHO:Spades are always spades

I was going to write about my dysfunctional in laws again for this Pour Your Heart Out and I had already started the post in my thoughts. Then something happened Monday evening that really deserves the attention. I have to get this off my chest. I wanted to spill it out on the social media forum where it escalated but I'm going to be a better person. I try to avoid drama and people who say they hate drama, actually enjoy creating it. Case in point, a so called friend, or as the new term I hear a lot lately, frenemy.

I blame myself for not being a better judge of character. Maybe reconnecting years after being friends in high school was a mistake.

There have been several things that have raised a red flag with me. I've only recently started putting the pieces to the puzzle together. I usually over analyze situations or conversations and it gets me into trouble. Not this time. Without actually pointing the finger at me, I know it's me.

She and I started playing an online game against each other through our phones. Hanging with Friends. If you have an iPhone you may know it. It's pretty much like hangman that you used to play as a kid. She beat me the first game. The second game however. I was beating her. And as far as I believe she couldn't believe that I was winning on my own so she throws a word that in no way she figured on her own.

The word in question. Zariba. What in the hell kind of word is that? Especially with previous words like ejector, pursed, bites, folk, quits, thins....do we have a pattern? I'm certain she has an average vocabulary.

So after I figured her word out with some help the game went downhill from there. The next two words that she had to solve that I gave her, she didn't try. She guessed crap letters to lose the game. I wondered what in the hell was going on. Later that evening while browsing Facebook I saw a comment she made to another friend of ours, whom I am also playing the same game with. It went on to say that she was quitting all her games because of cheaters. Sore loser if you ask me.

I will defend my reason for using a cheat to figure out her word. She cheated first and used a word that she has no way of knowing the meaning of without the use of a dictionary. I could bet that she didn't like losing fair and square so she threw a word like that at me. I fell for that trap and cheated. Only that once did I use another phone app to figure out the word. It's just a game.

The point is not that I cheated, the point is that she couldn't say something to my face about it. She had to run her mouth on a social network where I would read it. She could have texted that friend the same exact comment. But she LOVES attention. She wanted others to read it and put their two cents in. Of course leaving out the part that she did. People need to grow up, stop acting like we're still in high school.

I really wanted to run my mouth on the thread. I wanted to call a spade a spade. But it's not worth it. It won't do any good.

I know where I stand.

PYHO:Fat Girl

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


We are our own worst critics. Some harder than others on themselves. I fall in the middle to high range and you'd never know it.

I hate my body. I have hated my body since seventh grade. I was born a robust baby at 11lbs 3 oz. I was an average to slender child until I reached the age 10 or 11. Then my body got large. I became that chubby girl. I blame it partly on being a lonely child. I would come home after school and munch on snacks. My mom had gone back to work when I was nine years old and she wasn't home in the afternoons. My brothers and I weren't allowed to leave the house or have friends over, so it was very lonely.I found comfort in food.

As the years progressed I ate more and my body size grew. I hated having those BMI tests taken in middle school, when that nutritionist came to the school and measured your fat on your back. All the other girls would discuss their numbers and I always lied. I was not about to tell them how fat I was. Dressing in the locker room for physical education was torment enough. I usually got to the locker room first to make sure I was alone while changing.

I hate looking back at photos of myself.

I used to be able to lose weight by cutting out soda, not eating pasta or bread and skipping breakfast. I could drop 5 pounds in one week. I lost quite a bit of weight before getting married but I look back at those photos from my wedding and yikes. I was still very heavy.

I got pregnant with Miss K. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but I did not have the body to have that cute round pregnant belly. I felt fat. After having K I went on a strict diet, exercised and lost all the baby weight plus more. I was feeling good. Then slowly I started gaining the weight back. I lost weight again and got pregnant with Little E.

After having Little E I really put the pressure on myself. I was tired of being heavy. I tried to get strict with myself and completely cut out soda, snacks and cut down carbs. I joined a gym and was religiously working out at the gym. That lasted a year. I was feeling happy with myself but still didn't have that beach body I have always dreamed of.

Slowly the weight has creeped back up on me and I'm heavy again. I'm depressed about it. There are so many factors that account for my downfalls with weight.

I start feeling fat and my clothes are snug so I get determined about losing weight. I follow a good meal plan for about two weeks and when the results are not as fast as I'd like I get discouraged.
I LOVE to eat. That's a big downfall. I think, oh one more helping won't hurt me. Or, that bagel with egg and cheese will be okay, I'll eat less at lunch. Uh huh.
I need willpower. I need the willpower to hang on and be patient. The weight will come off. It gets harder the older you get to lose weight.

Knowing all these things, it still doesn't calm my mind about hating my fat body. I am constantly looking at my body in the mirror with or without clothes on. I try to dress to hide myself. It sucks. I wish I could get lipo suction, a tummy tuck and I'd feel so much better. One of my best friends just had the same thing that I've wanted done. She is three weeks into her recovery and wow, she looks great. Another reason I'm feeling more sad about my weight.

I'll never get there with just exercise and good nutrition.

Pour Your Heart Out: My child?

I went in for an impromptu conference with Miss K's school principal today. It went better than I had hoped it would and I'm looking forward to seeing if she can get me some answers. It goes with the territory, no one else is going to fight for your child but you.

Yesterday I walked up to the school parent pick up and Miss K walks up to me with a sullen look on her face. I know that look.
"What happened" , I ask her. "It's.... bad, mom", she says to me.
"How bad?" I question, hoping she didn't do something outright horrible.
" I got a ....red, mom."
"Why? What did you do? Who were you talking to today?" , I press for information.
"Nobody mom. I was reading a book during reading time and Camren came over." Uh, I knew it, Camren. The child that will not go away.
"And did you tell him to leave you alone?" I questioned.
"I ignored him mom, I kept trying to read my book." she tells me, still looking very upset.
"So why did you get a red for behavior, K??" , I ask again. "Because Eric, the classroom monitor said I was talking and he moved my color down."

What!!!?? WHAT???
This is where I get mad. Why is another child in the classroom deciding her behavior? Where was the teacher?

I found Miss K's teacher at the parent pickup loop directing traffic and approached her. I asked her why did K get a red behavior report. Get this.

She doesn't know why. REALLY?? I explained and repeated what Miss K told me happened and she had no answers for me. She told me that she was out of the classroom and her co teacher was in there. I couldn't believe that a teacher wouldn't know why a child had a bad behavior report and would still send that report home for their parent to sign. I expressed my concern about this lack of information and wasn't satisfied with the answers she was giving me.

So after leaving the school I called my best friend who used to teach in the public school system. She told me that another student can be a classroom monitor but he/she MAY NOT decide their behavior color by their own choosing. I pretty much knew that and wanted to make sure I was right.

I hung up the phone and called the school. The principal was in a meeting so I spoke with her secretary. By now, I would say the secretary knows me by my voice. I have been quite an outspoken advocate for my daughter since she started going to school there three years ago. Patti asked me the reason for my call and I expressed my urgency in resolving this issue. She took my cell phone number in anticipation that the principal would call me last night.

Unfortunately she never called me. I don't "let sleeping dogs lie" and went to the school office first thing this morning. It definitely pays to be on the School Advisory Council and a school volunteer because I walked right in and was told I could find Patti ( the secretary) in her office. After telling her that I never got a phone call last night she immediately tried to schedule me an appointment for this morning, but the principal was going to be in evaluations all day. So Patti went to find the principal for me right then.

I got to have my parent/principal conference right then. I told her everything that had transpired between myself and the teacher, what Miss K told me and my concerns about another student being in charge instead of the teacher. She was concerned and about this issue. I know that my child is not perfect, but I know when she is telling the truth and not trying to get out of being in trouble.
I also got my opportunity to talk about next year and classroom placement without Camren in her class. He and Miss K must be separated. It is vital to her excelling in the classroom. He is quite the distraction. I am looking forward to what happens for the rest of the year. Only nine weeks left of school.

UPDATE: While picking up Miss K from school today her teacher approached me and told me that per my note request in Miss K's folder that it has been taken care of. Miss K got a blue today. (Blue is the top of the behavior chart. Which is where she has been 90% of the last semester.) The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Pour Your Heart Out: Resolving the Resolutions

I'd said this before and I'll say it again.
Thank you Shell for coming up with this meme.
It's a blessing to be able to let it go and pour it out with the
safety blanket of PYHO.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

My news years resolutions to really get myself on board with keeping a budget, being more organized and following through has had it's ups and downs. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, when it came to following my budget and cutting coupons. But this week I found the handle and got right back up there. I think it took a shell shocker to rock me to my core to open my eyes up.

I had set some goals last year to pay off our mountain of credit card debt and had been religiously trying to chunk up those cards. But it's hard to do sometimes when you're paying everyone all your extra cash flow and when something comes up what do you do? You charge it. I couldn't see where we were going wrong with our money. So I plugged all our expenses and deposits into an Excel spreadsheet and I can see in black in white where we have to improve. It was like a weight got lifted off my shoulders.

I realized that I had been spending too much on groceries, wasting money on food that we never ending up eating. I would buy too much produce or go overboard when it came to sale items and then when I needed to buy groceries for the week, we overspent. So I set a new goal to keep each dinner under a certain dollar amount.

This past week, I set up my recipes online and did better about being frugal on the recipes I picked. I wasn't paying attention to the recipes I was picking and then I had to go buy items that I didn't have on hand and would need like a teaspoon of something that I had to buy a large container of. I was so proud of myself on my grocery shopping trip. I spent exactly what I had budgeted and it feels great! I will not fall off the wagon again, not in the grocery department.
I even spent 30 minutes clipping coupons, checking my favorite coupon website and saved $42.00!!!

Not keeping with goals and letting things get out of hand really accelerates my imbalance. Lately I've been trying to control issues with my imbalance and when money is tight and the bills are paid but still hanging in the balance it escalates my temper. My next goal is to set up new goals to cut the credit card mountain. I will not let this get the best of me. I made this mess and I will get myself out of it.

PYHO: Hold the Glass, Give me the Bottle

Thank you Shell for creating this meme. It's easier to open
my heart when I know that I'm not the only one pouring it
out and spilling my soul on the blogsosphere today.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Do you know what it's like to be a 10 year old shy kid who invites a dozen girls to your birthday party and only two people show up? And then at your own party you become the third wheel. Then many years later as a grown up you throw a candle party and one of your close friends come? Two of the others say "yes I'll be there" but then you see their Facebook update and they're going out for the night with friends. It sucks.

You should be able to grow up and not harbor those inadequate feelings from your childhood but it's pretty hard. Experiencing being the wallflower, the kid who got ignored at slumber parties or picked on makes you very reserved. You make sure that you don't put yourself in situations that will make you feel like that kid again. But will you ever learn.

I had been wanting to have a girls night with some friends. The hubs said I deserved a night without the kids ad he was more than willing to be sole parent for a night. I planned a girls night at my house to have dinner and play cards. It was going to be a potluck meal with me preparing the main dish. I called my best friend and she was more than willing to come and she would ask her friend J to come along too. I asked two other friends to come and one said sure thing and another one hemmed and hawed. She wouldn't give me a definite answer and when I decided to ask a few more of my girlfriends I realized that they were all going to another event (that I had decided not to pay to go to this year). So I was down to four girls including myself.

Then a day before my best friend tells me that her friend J won't be able to make it. Bummer. Not it was down three. It was falling apart. I called my friend who wouldn't give me a yes or no and tried my best to convince her to come. The problem for her: no sitter and hubby was working and wasn't getting home until at least 3-4 hours after my party was to start.

Saturday morning, the day of the GNO I decided to cancel it. It was going to be a bust and I figured I would just reschedule it for another weekend. I had already purchased my main course and the hubs was slow cooking it in the crock pot. I called my best friend and asked if we could just have a combined family dinner with her kids and mine. It was a date. I wasn't feeling too bad about not having my girls night. Until later.

If you tell some one that you cannot go to their event and you change your plans and go with some one else with your said husband who was working, don't post it on Facebook. And if you do, expect everyone, including the person you said no to, to read it.

That is exactly what happened. I was mortified! My husband was checking FB and told me what my friend wrote as her status. I could not believe that my friend did this to me. I could have let bygones be bygones and learned from this lesson, but nope I was pissed and hurt. Why is that people feel the need to stomp on me? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this but I know that I will not let things other people do tear me down.

Pour Your Heart Out: Hiding Behind the Proud

I know this is a day late, but I wanted to link up this week.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

I have avoided posting about this because of fear. Fear about what others might think about me. Fear that I will be judged. But this is who I am and who I was.
Do you what it's like to not be able to control yourself? It starts with something agitating you and then you lose your temper. But it doesn't stop there, it boils over and before you know it everything around you scratches at you and you lash out at anyone in your path. Not physically, but verbally lashing. When it's all over and you've calmed down, you feel guilt. HUGE GUILT. You apologize and those that you have affected accept your apology and you go on. You say it won;t happen again, but it does. Again and again and again.
It gets worse, each time escalating into more. And before you know it, you don't who you are. Who is this person that I am or have become? You tell yourself that you're going to stop being that way. You pray to God that he will give you the strength to control yourself. Then something happens, you're running late to work and you lash out and scream at everyone. You blame God for not giving you the strength and will power to hold yourself together. You blame everyone else for making the problems. If only the kids moved faster and didn't dawdle in the morning. If only that guy in the car in front of you would go faster, you wouldn't have to get mad. It's their fault, not yours. Spiraling out of control you finally break down and go against what you didn't want to do. Get medical help.
After one awful morning of running late, yelling at the kids you finally make the call. Practically in tears with the receptionist you tell them why you want to see the doctor. She fits you an appointment that morning. You breath a sigh of relief that you might finally be able to end the chaos, the rage.
The doctor prescribes you with some medicine and schedules you for a follow up appointment in one month. After two weeks on the pills, you actually feel normal. Things that once bothered you don't seem to matter as much but there is still an edginess to certain occurrences. You see the doctor again and he increases your dosage and adds more pills. After a week of taking the new combination you notice that life is better enjoyed. That your kids don't have that look of worry on their faces when they spill milk all over the table. You actually laugh at the spectacle of spilled milk dripping on the floor.
Is this what normal is? Why was it so hard to admit that I had a problem that I couldn't solve myself? That I needed help. Was I too proud?

PYHO: Pour Me A Large Glass

All it takes is one wrong word or something to set the mood in a bad light or some one not doing what they should be doing. The stress sets in and the mood changes. Then something else happens and escalates the mood and before you know it you can cut the tension with a knife.

That is just one moment of what it was like before I broke down and went to to doctor. Ten months ago I decided that I couldn't stand treating my family with such anger and meanness.

I have had stress issues since my teen years and they had manifested into much more after marriage and children. But you try to ignore the problem and after an outburst you say it's the last time. But I can say it's like a drug. You say "this is the last time". And then it happens again. Something irritates you and you get mad and when it's all over you apologize. You say it won't happen again, you won't get mad but you're only fooling yourself.

Then it happens again. But it's meaner and nastier than the last time because mentally you got away with nasty last time so you push it more. The best way I can describe it is like seeing red. You get so upset that you don't realize how mad you are and anything can irritate you while you're in this rage.

I broke down in tears and called my doctor one morning after yelling at the kids. I gave into turning to medication because praying for strength and asking for forgiveness of my sins wasn't working anymore. It only took eight years to come to terms with the fact that I needed help that I couldn't find alone.

It has been the best thing that has happened to me. Not many people know I take medicine to stay calm. Because honestly, the people that don't know never saw THAT side of me. That part of who I was was not publicly shown. There's no reason to tell them about that part of me because I'm not proud of it.

I hope to one day wean off the medicine. My doctor says it possible. I know that it's not going to be anytime soon. A good example would be this weekend. I got food poisoning and missed a day and half worth of my medicine. My irritability creeped in on me today. The small things started bothering me. It's possible that it was a combination of tiredness, missed medicine, and being overwhelmed that contributed to my irritated mood.

For those people out there that are feeling lost, moody, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, angry, tired... or any other contributing factor added with stress of raising children, keeping house, keeping a husband happy it's ok to admit defeat and seek help. Maybe you won't need medicine, maybe counseling with a therapist is what you need. Don't feel like a failure. Because for many years I felt like if I asked for help that I was admitting there was a problem and I didn't think there was.

Pour Your Heart Out: Nightmare of Reality

I woke up hoping it was all a nightmare. Sleep was overrated and I didn't even rest deep enough to get to the point for dreams. I rolled over in my bed and felt the cold spot next to me. The unused pillow lay next to me and the room was quiet except for the sound of the radio. It wasn't a bad dream it was the reality that my husband wasn't there. It was one of the worst nights of my life and it wasn't the first one, unknowable to me.

Like a machine I moved through my morning routine trying not to let the pain show. If I didn't think about the obvious absence of him it wouldn't be so bad. Waking the kids wasn't cheerful for me even though I smiled at their sleepy faces. They didn't ask where he was and it made the start of the day a bit easier.

My niece had spent the night and I needed to keep three children busy while making them breakfast. It was a quiet breakfast with the sound of cartoons in the background. I had previously planned to take them out for the day and tried to stay focused on getting out of the house. If I kept myself busy with them and left the emptiness, I might have been able to hold it together.

I didn't plan on my husband walking away from our marriage. Who does?

Sadly, my sister in law showed up early that morning to pick up her daughter. I was sad for my daughter who was looking forward to spending the afternoon with her. To not upset her anymore, I still kept the plans to take the kids out. I needed to get out of the house. Staying there would only keep reminding me that my husband was gone.

He wasn't talking to me, he wasn't answering his phone and I wasn't quite sure where we stood.

After a few phone calls from concerned family and friends, I loaded the kids in the van to go out. We met up with my best friend and her daughters and spent the morning playing at a Family Fun Fair. Afterwords we went out to lunch. My friend was being very supportive and let me choose where to go. I picked a restaurant I had never been at before in hopes to keep my mind off the situation at hand.

It wasn't easy with a 3 year old and a 6 year old. They were fighting over toys and who was going to sit next to mommy. The daily thing that wouldn't normally bother me too much. My patience was thin and I tried blocking it out. This wasn't fair. I was left to take care of our children and had no escape. I managed lunch the best that I could and didn't care if either of them finished their meal or not. I couldn't stop dwelling on the fact that the day was half over and still no phone call from my husband.

My friend wanted to go to Target and I agreed to go to avoid going back home alone. The grocery shopping was not much fun. I had to get some items we were out of but I had no idea if I should buy certain things or not. Why should I buy items that only he uses if he's not coming back? Why did everything have to make me think about the problem at hand? Why couldn't I just block it out?? I was so weak mentally at this point, I even let the kids convince me to buy them chocolate morsels and open them while leaving the store.

It was going on five o'clock at this point and I knew that letting them eat chocolate was a big mistake. On the way home Little E fell asleep which was not a good idea but considering how drained I was feeling it didn't matter. After getting home and putting him to bed for a late nap, I sat down and felt all alone. The fear of the unknown was creeping in on me.

By 6:30 I couldn't even think of what I was going to cook. Thank God for great friends because my best friend bought and delivered a pizza for us for dinner. I was failing as a strong mother and woman at this point and letting depression take over. Something that my medication couldn't even keep from happening.

I couldn't take it much more and texted my husband's stepmother to see if she had heard if he was coming home. Waiting for the cell phone to ding it's familiar chime for a text I jumped when it did. I was washing the dishes and couldn't get my gloves off fast enough to see what it said.

It was him.

He was telling me that he would not be coming home again this evening and that I needed to stop calling and bothering everyone else about his whereabouts. Really? He left me and now he was calling the shots? I guess at that point what choice did I have. I wanted him to come home to discuss what the hell was going on so I had to comply. If I turned irate and went all kinds of crazy then he was definitely not coming home.

After several minutes of text he was gone again. I was crushed. I called my best friend in sobbing tears and tried to speak to her. She couldn't understand my uncontrollable weeping and said "I'll be right there." I continued to bawl my eyes out, something I didn't want to do in front of the kids. But the pain was too unbearable anymore and I felt like I was hitting rock bottom.

My other best friend showed up unknowing the state I was in. She was stopping by to check in on me and found me weeping. By the time she had me sitting back down my other best friend had showed up. They tried their best to calm me down and helped take care of my kids for me. I am forever grateful to them for being there for me. I hope I never have to be there for them under the same circumstances but I will be in a heartbeat if the situation arises.

After a few glasses of wine, to calm my nerves, and a few hours of talking my friends went home to their families. I was alone again in a quiet house. I went through my normal routine of closing the house up and settling in bed for the evening. It was going to be a long night. Exhausted from the mental anguish, I passed out watching tv. The television, my personal pacifier.

I woke up, wishing it was all a bad dream, another nightmare but I rolled over and saw the empty spot next to me. The pillow was cold and the comforter on that side untouched. I survived another evening and a full day without knowing where my life stood. Could I do it again?


This post was inspired by Mama Kat's writer's workshop writing prompts from last week's choices. I am also submitting this as my Pour Your Heart with Shell at Thing's I Can't Say.

Pour Your Heart Out: Broken Silence

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

When it rains it pours. I had originally decided that I wasn't going to blog about what happened between my husband and I a few weeks ago but it has come to a head. I have to pour this out on paper or via blogging because there comes a time when things shall be known. I need moral support and a sense of peace about it.
A few weeks ago my husband walked out on me. It had been a long rough week for me since I was busy with Vacation Bible School every evening. My husband had the responsibility of picking up Little E from me and taking him home for dinner, bath and bed. The last night of VBS all the parents were invited to share the events with their child and Miss K wanted her daddy with her. On my way to the church my husband calls me and and tells me he is "too tired. he has had a long day and just wants to go home."
I was crushed. Little E was looking forward to staying with his sister and without their dad there it wouldn't be possible. I took it pretty hard and got very upset about it. Stressed and not in the mood to deal with it I told my husband to "just go. Go home then." He left.
But I didn't let it go at that. I was shocked that he actually just left me there to watch Little E and run my lesson with 30 other children. I started texting him and it wasn't very nice. We exchanged nasty words and then I got busy for the evening with my lesson. At then end of the night I tried texting him again. No answer.

I tried calling his cell phone. No answer.

I tried calling the house phone. No answer.. I texted him several more times. Nothing. The pit of my stomach dropped. Something wasn't right. Fear took over and I gathered the kids and headed home. Several more phone calls were made the drive home and I couldn't get there fast enough. Pulling up my road I saw that my husband's car was gone. I was terrified to walk into the house but not to alarm the kids I left them in the van with a DVD playing.
I was left a note. The note in so many words explained that he had had enough of my crap, that this was the last straw and he was NOT coming back. That our relationship was not healthy and that I should not try to contact him. He said I would not find him and that he was ok.
I fell to the floor sobbing. I was in complete utter shock!!

One argument and he leaves? We had worse fights than that and he walks out?! He walks away from me and our kids?! A note! A DEAR JOHN LETTER!
In my desperate moment I called my mom. I guess I was thinking like a child and hoped that my mom could fix this. She couldn't believe my words. She couldn't comprehend what I was saying between the sobs and the whining. She said to try and stay calm and she would be right there. Of course this was nothing that my mom could fix and later I realize that calling mom wasn't the best idea but when you're in complete shock you don't think clearly.

During the time it took her to get there I had time to collect my thoughts and reread the note. I looked around the house to see what he had packed and tried to calm myself. I knew that I had to remain calm and be strong for the kids. At this point, they were more important. They are one of the main reasons I function daily and letting them in on what was going on was not going to happen.So I followed the regular routine of baths and bed for the kids and my mom arrived.

I tried to make light of the reason she was there and kept up with my calm demeanor. She tried to convince me to pack up some belongings and bring the kids to her house. I wasn't going any where until he came back. My husband had not packed any clothes for work and I knew he had to be home by Sunday evening to be ready for work Monday morning. I was going to be there to face him head on when he got back. He may have walked out while I was gone but he was going to face me ready or not.

The weekend was a blur.

My close and dear friends were the best moral support and I am thankful that God placed them in my life. If I had not had those two ladies to advise me, guide me and let me cry on their shoulders I may have not made it. I did my best to compose my moods in front of the kids and telling them that daddy was with friends for the weekend. It was easy to say that because he has gone on fishing/hunting trips that keep him away for a few days. I tried to get information from his parents but they were like dead ends. Not giving me much to go on other than that they didn't want to get in the middle of it and that he needed time to cool off and think about things.

I had plenty of time to think about things myself and pray to God. I was at one of my lowest points in my life and I needed him to give me guidance and answers. I was giving myself to him and was leaving it in his will. I asked for strength to stay composed and not lose sight of what I wanted, I asked for faith that if it didn't go well that God would be there and I prayed for forgiveness. I realized that I had tried to control my husband for too long and now I had no control. I could not control this situation and that every fiber of my being was being tested.


Sunday morning I took my children to my mother's house so they would not be there during our confrontation. Since our last text conversation my husband had said to leave him alone and until that morning I had done just that. My patience was withering so I texted him and told him that as his wife, I deserved to know when he would be back that day. That this had gone on long enough and that he needed to come home and face his problem.


While I was gone settling the kids in at my mom's house he came home. I pulled in to my driveway and saw him standing there. All weekend I battled with how I was going to approach him. My controlling side wanted me to scream at him but my practical side told me to calmly deal with it and listen to him. Which is exactly what I did. I held back tears and standing in his presence I felt empty. My husband who usually makes me feel complete was not filling that hole in my heart.
He explained why he needed to leave, that if he had stayed and tried to work it out that nothing would have been accomplished. That we would have yelled, screamed and nothing would have been resolved. That by me trying yet once again to control him was the final straw. He felt that our relationship had fallen apart and that the only thing keeping us together was the children. He confessed that he had been feeling this way for quite some time and it had been building. He was still unsure of where he wanted to go. He wasn't prepared for me to react so calmly and thought I was going to go into a tirade and it would have just ended.

I grew up that weekend. I knew that if anything was going to work I was going to have to learn to be open minded. I was going to have to let go of my need to always control situations and learn to let go. I am in no way taking all the blame because I was not the one who walked away. I still don't fully understand why he had to walk out but he says that was the only way he could make me see that I can't control everything. We have both been working through this one day at a time.

My husband has learned that he needs to communicate with me. Communication is a key factor in a relationship and if you can't tell the other person how you feel then it's going to fall apart. His opening up his feelings is slow going and I am more patient with his timidness in admitting when I am doing something that he doesn't agree with. We are discussing problems instead of arguing about them. One day at a time.

I have been tentative about discussing this openly since only a handful of people know what went on that weekend. I am embarrassed about the fact that my husband walked out. Embarrassed to admit that my marriage is not perfect. Embarrassed to admit that I have faults that I do not like about myself and have a hard time changing: control issues, jealousy, and anger. But I believe that by openly admitting my faults I can let go of them and grow.

Pour Your Heart Out:Enough is Enough

A word from Shell:

If you need more info about Pour Your Heart Out, see THIS post.

But, really, it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out.

So the bitch is at it again! Excuse my language but right now that is exactly how I feel about her. I know I could be talking about anyone but the person I am referring to is my husband's step mother. She is at her tirades again. Will it ever stop? If you remember a post a few weeks back where I vented about her you will understand.
The first time I met her 17 years ago I was not pleased with the type of person she was. Over time and through the years of dating my husband I never really cared much for her and it didn't matter anyways because we were not related. She is his only his step mother, NOT his mom. Being the evil, psycho that she is, she made my husband's life hell in his teenage years. Wanting his father all to herself she made his house ( the home where my husband lived with his dad) off limits from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening. He was NOT allowed to go home. Which left him sleeping in his truck or sneaking into his window when it was too cold to sleep in a vehicle. Cold hearted? You'd think his own father would have given a crap? But when you have a warm body in your bed who cares about your kids? Right? WRONG!
This went on for a few years and finally my husband moved out. A few years later troubled times my husband needed a place to stay. (mind you I am only still dating my husband and I live at home with my parents.) He went home to live with his dad again. Can we say "BIG MISTAKE" Yeah, a few months into it his dad tells him that he's going to have to move out. That he and his stepmom are having personal marriage issues and he doesn't want my hubby around to see the arguing. Okay... Thankfully his mom says he can live with her. (hubs is like 22 years old) So do you think his dad divorces her or has marital problems? NOPE! It was a lie! She had his father lie to my hubby about it because she wanted him out of the house! Really? Seriously?

So a few years later hubby and I get married. I keep my distance from her because I have never liked this vile woman. Then I get pregnant and we're having a baby. She turns clingy. Yuck! Like she wants to be a part of our lives. No thanks. But my husband loves his daddy sooo much he has to be nice to step mom. No thanks.
Fast forward to the night of August 5th when my water breaks. Hubby calls his dad en route to the hospital and says we're on our way there. Guess who shows up at the hospital? My father in law and his wife!! What??!!!!! And they're going to be in my labor room? I was furious! I had to put up with her wine drunken, smoke breath mouth! She drove me insane all evening! I threw them out when it was time to push. No way was I having her or him for that matter in there with my goods hanging out! No thanks!!!!
So after my daughter was born she was more clingy. Trying to be my friend, blah blah blah. I kept my distance. We spent birthdays and holidays visiting them like any other grandparent and I would quietly keep to myself. I couldn't take her up and down mood swings and weirdness. I put up with her whining calls to see if we were coming for dinner at the holidays and enjoyed telling her no it was some one elses turn. I never invited them over to my house for dinners because I really don't like her.
Then she started expecting us to spend Mother's Day with her. She would actually think that we would not spend it with our mothers and go spend it with her at their condo. One year she even made a big stink about it and when my husband told her no she called me. She stalked me down and called me during the day when his dad wasn't around. I got snappy with her when she didn't get the realization that we were not going to be there for her. She got rude and I gave it back to her. I had had enough!
For 6 months I refused to go to his dad's house. If he wanted them to see the kids my husband would take them to go see them. I would not step foot in their house. I would not give that woman the time of day. By Christmas time I caved in and put a smile on my face that year and dealt with her. She has pulled more of her shenanigan's on many more birthdays and holidays since that fateful Mother's Day 2 years ago.
But this time I am DONE with her. I told my husband this. So this weekend was Miss K's birthday party at Fun Spot. Last weekend we had his dad and stepmom over for dinner. I told them the plan for her birthday and nothing was said. Last Thursday she texts me and asks if there is another day they can come over and do gifts. They don't need to be in the heat. please call me I ignored the text and told my husband about it. He said Whatever. I let it go that night. Friday morning I decided to text his father and tell him about the text and ask him if they are indeed not attending my daughter's party. He never replied back but in the afternoon she starts stalking me. Here we go again! I ignore the phone because I was in no mood to deal with her, let alone on the day of my daughter's birthday (friday the 6th) while we are out enjoying her day. Nope! No way was I letting her suck me and deal with her issues then. Then she starts texting me. Really?
I text her back and it turns into a snippy text game. And she's begging me to call her and all these I love you's. ok, psycho woman..please leave me alone!!! Well it ended with a rude text from me telling her that I wasn't going to call her because I was out giving my daughter a fun day on her birthday and didn't feel like talking about whether or not she wanted to stand in the heat at the party. She finished it off with have fun and a little respect next time. Oh she didn't! Respect? Really?
I am an adult and when she shows me, my husband and the fact that we are a married couple with a family respect then we'll see. Of course my husband got dragged into this ordeal and had to speak with his dad about it. By Saturday day it was decided that his step mom was not going to the party and his dad was. Whatever. By Sunday afternoon at the party when his dad was a no show my husband texted him. His dad said that my husband's brother had the gifts they bought for Miss K and that he would talk with him later about why. Another mind game. I am so thrilled. His dad did day that I sent her a very disrespectful text and he was not happy. I know for sure that she is telling his dad half truths. I told my husband if she had just left well enough alone and not started whining and stalking me this would have never come to this. She backed me into a corner and I came out lashing.
So this Saturday my husband is going to have the "talk" with his dad. I don't care what becomes of it. My husband says he is not backing down and will defend my actions. He says and agrees that his step mom is wrong and that his father has no idea. He says he is laying it all out on the table. She is making me out to be the bad guy and maybe I should have handled it differently but after so many years of her crap, I've had enough. I've grown up and realized that I don't have to put up with her nonsense. Enough said.

Pour Your Heart Out:Sacrifices

Pour Your Heart Out

It's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing.

Please grab the button for your post and link up with Shell at Thing's I Can't Say.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

We all make sacrifices. The biggest thing I sacrifice is time. I am beginning to regret my sacrifice and I feel bad about it. Especially because what it means for regretting it. This has been a busy month. It's taking it's toll on me and I am sad that I am getting aggravated by the crunch.

This month has been so busy for me that I have had to make my phone send me alarms and messages to make sure I keep my schedule straight. I have skipped some stuff to allow for other things to happen. I say this year after year that I will not volunteer for it but I some how let myself get pulled in. I am regretting Vacation Bible School because of how much time I have to put into to it and how it affects me. I lose time with my kids, keep Miss K up late and miss out on fun activities with Little E who is too little to attend our program.

But on the other hand I enjoy spending time with the other 35 or so other children I see at VBS. There are about a dozen that I have seen come every year and they look forward to seeing me. Most of the children that attend our VBS come from broken homes, low income families. It warms my heart when I see them walk in and enjoy the two hours they spend with us. How could I miss and not see them? They only get five days of me and my kids will have me the other 360 days.

But why do I feel so guilty for sacrificing my time with them? It has been so hard to rush around in the late afternoon to get ready for VBS and make it there on time. I get upset and frustrated and wish I had not signed up. Tuesday night I noticed that I was more agitated and depressed that I have not been having family dinner time.

I am looking forward to the busy week to be over. I feel that I am sacrificing my children's time for other children. I know that God understands because I am doing his work. I am spreading his word to children who may not hear it any other time. They deserve my best face and attitude. It's just hard battle to face every day. It's one of those times that I cannot have my cake and eat it too. Life is about choices. I hope I'm making the right one.

Pour Your Heart Out: Venom

Pour Your Heart Out

It's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing.

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Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Sometimes I let my bad side escape myself. I get to that breaking point when something just rubs me the wrong way and my blood really boils. I spew foul language and curse about whatever it is that has irritated me. This is the last straw and I am tired of trying. I have finally hit my breaking point when it comes to how my brother and his wife had been.

I recently wrote a post about some family complaining. I have asked my sister in law if they would be coming to the party. She has not been solid on her answers and has beaten around the bush. I finally went to the horses mouth (my brother) and asked him if they would be here. He acted as if his wife had never brought the subject up to him. I am not surprised. Her exact way of handling things is to put the excuse off on him but not really ask him. Then make the decision without his input.
The same way she handles everything when it comes to OUR ( my brothers, my parents)family.

Why not!!?

It's not important to her.

So today I was talking about Little E's party with my parents and it came up about my brother.

My dad tells me they will not be coming. OH REALLLLY??

I asked him who told him this tidbit of information. Of course my brother tells my dad that they will "probably not" be there. And why would he tell our father? Is he the one throwing the party? no!! Seriously?
My sister in law could have called me herself. We used to talk everyday on the phone when I was working. She could have the decency to call me and tell me her pathetic excuse. That is all it is. How many times did my husband and I drive to their house for my niece and nephew's parties?

Does she forget the party I came to for her son when I was soo sick and thought I was possibly miscarrying Little E?? Of course not!

She is again only thinking of herself. What is the reason? What is more important than family?
Well the way I look at it, is that family will screw you first. They figure since they're family that they can treat you like crap and you will forgive them. Not this time.

I remember a same brother who wrote the nastiest, hateful email to me and my parents 4 years ago when we did not attend his daughter's soccer tournament. I really would like to pay him back with the same respect he gave me then. I was soo pissed off today that I cannot wait for my opportunity to give them the same treatment.

I know it's not the Christian attitude to have and I know I will never write an email to him. But in my category of people in my life. They have hit an all time low.

I was so infuriated with learning this news from my dad that I couldn't help myself and I got pretty mad. I let it consume me for at least an hour or longer. I kept mulling it over and over. I just couldn't get over the audacity of my brother telling my dad!


My husband was sad for Little E about part of my family not being there. I'm not going to make a big deal about it around my son. They are not what is important. I don't even want to call them. I hope that none of them call Little E tomorrow. Because at this point they should either show their face at the party or not bother.

Wednesday is his birthday and we are celebrating it family style! Then this weekend we will be having the BIG party.