Wednesday, June 1, 2011

PYHO:Fat Girl



Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


We are our own worst critics. Some harder than others on themselves. I fall in the middle to high range and you'd never know it.

I hate my body. I have hated my body since seventh grade. I was born a robust baby at 11lbs 3 oz. I was an average to slender child until I reached the age 10 or 11. Then my body got large. I became that chubby girl. I blame it partly on being a lonely child. I would come home after school and munch on snacks. My mom had gone back to work when I was nine years old and she wasn't home in the afternoons. My brothers and I weren't allowed to leave the house or have friends over, so it was very lonely.I found comfort in food.

As the years progressed I ate more and my body size grew. I hated having those BMI tests taken in middle school, when that nutritionist came to the school and measured your fat on your back. All the other girls would discuss their numbers and I always lied. I was not about to tell them how fat I was. Dressing in the locker room for physical education was torment enough. I usually got to the locker room first to make sure I was alone while changing.

I hate looking back at photos of myself.

I used to be able to lose weight by cutting out soda, not eating pasta or bread and skipping breakfast. I could drop 5 pounds in one week. I lost quite a bit of weight before getting married but I look back at those photos from my wedding and yikes. I was still very heavy.

I got pregnant with Miss K. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but I did not have the body to have that cute round pregnant belly. I felt fat. After having K I went on a strict diet, exercised and lost all the baby weight plus more. I was feeling good. Then slowly I started gaining the weight back. I lost weight again and got pregnant with Little E.

After having Little E I really put the pressure on myself. I was tired of being heavy. I tried to get strict with myself and completely cut out soda, snacks and cut down carbs. I joined a gym and was religiously working out at the gym. That lasted a year. I was feeling happy with myself but still didn't have that beach body I have always dreamed of.

Slowly the weight has creeped back up on me and I'm heavy again. I'm depressed about it. There are so many factors that account for my downfalls with weight.

I start feeling fat and my clothes are snug so I get determined about losing weight. I follow a good meal plan for about two weeks and when the results are not as fast as I'd like I get discouraged.
I LOVE to eat. That's a big downfall. I think, oh one more helping won't hurt me. Or, that bagel with egg and cheese will be okay, I'll eat less at lunch. Uh huh.
I need willpower. I need the willpower to hang on and be patient. The weight will come off. It gets harder the older you get to lose weight.

Knowing all these things, it still doesn't calm my mind about hating my fat body. I am constantly looking at my body in the mirror with or without clothes on. I try to dress to hide myself. It sucks. I wish I could get lipo suction, a tummy tuck and I'd feel so much better. One of my best friends just had the same thing that I've wanted done. She is three weeks into her recovery and wow, she looks great. Another reason I'm feeling more sad about my weight.

I'll never get there with just exercise and good nutrition.

16 comments:

Varunner7 said...

Sorry you're feeling so bad Tiffany.  I hope that you can find a way to find happiness with your body - whether it's a way to lose weight or surgery or just accepting it.  Hang in there!

Kimberly said...

I am so sorry Tiffany. I was put on medication to help anxiety and depression (no I'm not saying that's what you need) and those pills added a nice...ahem not so nice weight gain. It makes me more depressed and I don't even want to try on my summer clothes this year.
Can I just hibernate for the summer?

shellthings said...

I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Having a friend have surgery can't help. I'd be totally jealous. Though I'm happy with my size- I'll never have a beach-ready body w/exercise alone. Babies made that impossible.

angelshrout said...

I don't know a woman one who doesn't wish she was a different size. Me included. Do ya know what makes me angrier. The fact that I have the equipment here and still get lazy. Summer is here and I have decided to be comfortable where I am .. if I lose it great but I will do my best not to gain more.

Tylaine said...

I think every woman can relate to this. I'm sorry you're feeling so down about this and I hope you can come to peace with your body image. We are all perfect in God's eyes and I can't help but think maybe it upsets Him when we put ourselves down. How would you feel if your child had such negative feelings about him or herself?
Not to sound preachy or anything I have a problem with this too and need to work on it. I'm always comparing myself.

Queen Bee said...

Oh sweetie! I know your pain. We live in a society that doesn't help us understand that everyone is born unique. We all have different body types and some of us no matter what surgery, what diet, what change will not be the super model we see on the cover of the magazine.  I too have longed for a change in my body and I"m sure watching a friend have a surgery you want can't be easy, but oh think of the pain ;-) anyway. I pray that you will see the beautiful you that God created, there is song by Jonny  Diaz called "More Beautiful You" that I love to play and remember how special we really are. Google it and take a listen! I love you Tif!!! Us bigger women got to stick together and lets just blame our family.

Random Blogette said...

It's like you are in my head. I have battled with my weight my whole life. I was made fun of in grade school because I was chubby and it was so awful. I will never forget the pain and torment. The biggest thing is to try to love yourself no matter what size you are. I know that it is hard but if you can get even the littlest bit of confidence it really helps. I am so sorry that you are feeling down about yourself.

rachel5706 said...

I could have written your post word-for-word today if I had more time!!  =)  In fact, for PYHO this week, I wrote how outragously expensive it is to loose weight!!  Good luck!

Sarah Purswell Nicholson said...

Trying to lose weight is a long hard road, I hope you have peace about it soon!

Bonnie@TheFragileXFiles said...

Oh, so touched by your post. And, me too...

Stephanie @ the blue zoo said...

I am constantly losing my willpower. Its hard to keep around!

I had a tummy tuck too. Is it possible for you to get one? If you really want one? But remember, lipo isnt the answer to being thin. It can help you some, but if you dont eat well the weight will just come back.

Anyways, Im sorry youre feeling down.

Making It Work Mom said...

I think most moms are unhappy with their body no matter what it is - just because it is never good enough.  I am unhappy with the way my body looks, but am awful at dieting.
Six weeks ago I started the Couch to 5K running program (I loathe running, but it was the only exercise that fit into my schedule).  I still haven't lost any weight (which I know isn't a ringing endorsement) my body feels differently and I feel differerently about my body.  I like the feeling of my body being strong and athletic, it has really changed my whole mindset.  Not that I wouldn't like to looks like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, but I do feel better.

Good luck and let me know if you want any more information or encouragement about the running program.  I can send you Daily "kick you butt" emails :)  !!!

Brandi said...

I don't love food although it's easy to over indulge when I find treats in the pantry.  My problem is I hate exercise.  I loathe it.  I detest it.  I hate it!!!  I'm a good 30 lbs heavier then I should be and have an entire wardrobe I wish I could wear.  I've found the only thing that helps is counting my calories and using an app on my phone to do so.  I'm trying to learn to finally accept myself and be HEALTHIER, NOT THINNER;)

TV's Take said...

Weight is so hard. I wish you the best of luck and keep working at it.

Angie In My Own Little Corner said...

Good nutrition and some exercise is the best.  We are our own worst critics always.  I know I see all my little faults that no one else ever notices.  

Singlemominthesouth said...

Oh {{HUGS}} Mama!  I so understand and could have written so much of this post.  My BMI is in the normal range, high normal, and everyone tells me I look great... actually "cute" is what I get alot, you have "such a cute shape" but I HATE it!