Friday, April 27, 2012

Hot off the Press!

We're Expecting


Yes, you read that right. I was hoping to hold out and wait another few more weeks and have better ultrasound photos to share. But I can't contain myself any longer. There have been several times where I would have liked to mention that in addition to what else was going on, that my hormones were "out of whack". I figured some one would catch on and the questions might have come. So I'm putting it out there!

We're looking forward to this new chapter in our lives and cannot wait to welcome another little boy or girl into the family. 

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

PYHO: Can I give up Now?

It's not easy keeping my emotions in check. I am not the type of person who likes to hold my feelings inside and suppress them. I have had to, but the outcome after long periods of with holding my feelings isn't something you would want to witness. They come spewing out like hot lava. Really. It's not like when you shake the soda bottle and open the cap. That is merely too tame for how I can get.

That is the person I have tried to stop being, but this week is making it really hard. 

So this week, I'm feeling like a volcano ready to explode. It's building and building.

I've had many people ask me "how are you feeling?" Okay. It's been my usual answer. The "easy" answer.

"how are you holding up?" "Do you need anything?" " I'm checking on you". And I get the warm fuzzy feeling inside when these wonderful friends of mine ask me these questions. They are truly concerned for my well being. But I can't tell them how I really feel.

Because right now I'm feeling selfish. I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!

I know they mean well, but they really don't want me to open the floodgates. because if I really told them exactly how I felt, I would be a sobbing mess. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I want to be human and wallow in my sorrows for just a moment. I know I don't need my husband here to be able to that. But some one has to be here to take care of the kids.

Some one else besides me. And since their dad isn't here to do it, then I have to put on my Big Girl Panties and stand strong. Be in control. Take care of my children, the house and everything in between. 

I just don't want people thinking I'm heartless about not shedding a tear for my grandmother. I can't do it right now. 

This morning I did have a moment. The well sprung a leak. I missed two calls from my husband. And the third I was so anxious to grab it, I accidentally pressed "decline" on the phone. I lost it. The tears ran down my face. I was sobbing like a baby. Over a missed phone call. The little things are starting to break me down. I'm ready for this to be over. 

I have two more days. I'm hanging on by a thread and if you asked me, you'd never know. I'm strong. I will not admit defeat. But really, I just have. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Day 3: It just gets better

Day 3 while my husband is in Haiti

I'm really not used to regular routine when my husband is away. Without a reason to roll over and smack some one lying next to you to "get up, you're alarm is going off", I have no desire to get up when my own alarm is blaring. Thankfully it was Monday and I was not required to be showered, dressed and ready to go when the kids were. No work for me.

I spent most of my morning glued to my cell phone while my sister in law talked for 2.5 hours. I was so tired from not getting enough sleep, I actually fell asleep on her. Seriously. That was pretty embarrassing. I kept thinking about a nap, how much a nap would be so nice. Just 30 minutes before leaving the house again to pick up Little E from preschool. It never happened.

Just the five minutes I zoned out.

While I was busy keeping myself awake, my husband was busy teaching the children in the small town in Haiti about stories in the Bible.

The rest of the day went as usual. Pickup Little E from school, come home eat lunch. Nothing spectacular about that. Then go back and get Miss K from school and come home for an hour before heading out the door again for dance classes. Ah, Mondays. You are quite busy even when I'm home doing chores.

I can't believe that I'm saying this, but on a weekday, I can't function most of the day when my husband is out of town. But the evenings are harder. Tag teaming takes on a new meaning when there is only one parent in the house. The kids tag team me! 

Not to mention that Little E decided to throw a wrench in the evening by taking a 2 hour nap between the hours of 6-8 and I could not wake him up. I tried everything, except dumping cold water on him. So of course after his siesta he wakes up at 8:15pm and wants to stay awake. Which was not in my plan at all. Needless to say, I went to bed at 11pm and left him awake in Miss K's bed. And that was all she wrote.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Day 2: You Comfort Me

Day 2 While my husband is in Haiti

My children and I missed Sunday church services. Something I'm not proud of, but given the circumstances we all needed some rest. We slept in until 8am which didn't leave us much time to get ready for 9am church. I really needed to mentally prepare myself for what we had on the agenda for the day. I was meeting my parents at the Funeral Home to make arrangements for my Grandmother. Followed by going to the nursing home to retrieve her belongings. I really was hoping to avoid that place. I am very bitter towards them. An emotion that I should be able to push aside but haven't found the strength to do so. Or maybe I don't want to right now.

Setting up the funeral arrangements went smoothly. I think it helped that the staff knew us already, not that they were hoping to meet us just yet. We were supposed to be coming in a few weeks to make pre arrangements. The nursing home trip was exactly as I had feared. The staff had already boxed up my grandma's belongings and stored them away. The bed was neatly made and all ready for another person. It made me more mad at them. My mother was furious to say the least.

I couldn't wait to get out of there. I have bad memories as a child in nursing homes visiting great grandparents. I tried to push past those feelings when we placed my grandma in one. I wanted her to be happy. Sadly, I have new sad memories now. I hope that I never have to do this again.

My parents had invited the kids and I to join them for dinner at their house. So after the drama of the morning, I was looking forward to some relaxing conversation. The kids were looking forward to riding their bikes on "regular" road, not the dirt roads like at home. The weather had cleared up and was beautiful. It was brightening my mood.

The best part. My husband called me!! Thank you Skype!! I never knew they had an option that allowed you to load the program and make a phone call. It was so good to hear his voice. The first time he tried to Facetime call me but I was not near WIFI and it wouldn't connect. So he figured out another way.

You have no idea how much hearing some one's voice can calm your heart. Even if he is miles and miles away, he finds a way to comfort me. Even with his voice. I thought that I wouldn't be able to survive these days without him. I was wrong.

I'm hoping the rest of the week flies by and Friday comes quick. At least regular routine resumes on Monday.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 1: I'm Lost Without You

Day 1 while my husband is away in Haiti. 

Sadly on Friday evening, the last night we had together before he needed to meet the mission team at the church, I got a phone that I never expected. My grandmother had died. I was in complete and utter shock after my Aunt had just passed the day after Easter. It has only been a week since we buried her. A turn of events happened and my mother called me back and said that grandma was alive. The staff at the nursing home called 911 and performed CPR and they had a pulse. She was en route to the ER. This all felt too surreal. Had we not just done this?? Why now when my husband is leaving for a week? 

So Friday evening when we would have been spending our last hours together, we spent it in the hospital watching my grandmother slip from us. She wasn't really there anymore. As much as I know about the body and spirit, I believe she wasn't there. Her body was still working for the moment, but her mind was gone. She was ready to join our Father in heaven. She was ready to join her daughter and husband among her other family members who had long since passed.

By the time my husband and I got home there was only and hour left to rest before he would need to shower and prepare to leave. Talk about a cat nap that was hard to come by while my thoughts were on my grandmother.

My husband and I exchanged kisses and I love you's at 3am and we parted ways. I really felt all alone at that moment I pulled from the church parking lot. I went home and struggled to go to sleep. My mind was elsewhere for many reasons. Losing my grandmother so quickly now after my aunt, missing my husband, worrying over the looming week ahead-alone.

At 3:45 am the phone rang. The house phone. My father called me with the news I was expecting but hoping would not come. Grandma was in heaven now. She was gone. She was the only grandma I knew, since my mother's mom passed away when I was very little. I knew this day would come, but I wasn't ready. Are we ever ready?

I tossed and turned and finally was able to get a little rest. At 6:51am my husband texted me and let me know that he was boarding his first of two flights to Haiti. I never went back to sleep. The kids would be up soon and I was the only one home to take care of them.

Today has been a long day to say the least. Many emotions have gone through me. I will not let myself become depressed. I was close today. I sat in my pj's until 3pm. I forced myself to eat lunch. I am keeping the routines at home for my children's sake. Normalcy. It keeps me going for now. I'm tired and hoping I will get some rest tonight. 

Thankfully my husband texted me tonight and let me know all was well. He is at the hotel in Haiti and he had a long trip there. He hopes to Facetime or Skype me tomorrow. I really hope he does.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Friday Fragments #194

Mommy's Idea

I've been MIA for too long. I have half attempted all week to write a post but just haven't done it. I hate being a slacker.

Today, in less than twenty four hours, I will be sending off my husband with our church team to Haiti. I'm nervous and struggling with many emotions with this. I am asking God for strength, perseverance,  patience and faith to make it through the next six days. I will really begin to appreciate the same things my husband does around here.

It's hard to believe that next month, I will be signing Little E up for Kindergarten for this fall. The thought came to me this morning when I remembered I needed to go to Miss K's school to pick up a variance form that is pre authorized by her school and bring it to the school we are zoned for.

Miss K survived FCAT's this week. The poor little girl was so stressed out by it that she was having a hard time staying focused in class last week and the beginning of this week, once the test was over. She has been extremely emotional and I have been trying my best to handle her with "kid gloves". I will admit, it has been VERY hard to stay composed after the many weeping episodes this week. So glad it's Friday and they are having a fun day today at school.

A woman I go to church with, who is also in my small group after church mailed my family a card following the death of my Aunt. It brought joy and tears to me. I want to share part of the poem on it,

And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched
for nothing loved is ever lost-
and she was loved so much.

It's little loving gestures like a simple card that can speak volumes. 

I can't wait to feel "normal" again. Thanks to Little E I have been battling a head cold since Sunday. I am sooo tired of blowing my nose. I have also realized that there is a DEFINITE difference in tissue brand and style. Let me say, not any tissue is good. Maybe for the occasional blowing of the nose, but not repeated blowing of the nose. Neosporin is my nose's new BF. 


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

PYHO: Home in Heaven

Where do I begin? These past eleven days have been a blur. Sunday April 1st was any regular day for my family. We attended church that Sunday followed by our afternoon group gathering for church. It was even a little more fun since we went out to dinner after wards at our local BBQ restuarant. Then it all changed when I got the phone call from my mom.

My aunt, who was recently moved to a rehab facility here where I live from Tampa, was going into the hospital. Several months back she had gone into the hospital for swelling in her legs. It was discovered that she had sorosis of the liver and she was not an alcohol drinker. We believe that some years back another doctor told her that she had this, but due to her limited mental capabilities, she did not realize the severity of her condition.

 The rehab facility called my mother and told her that my aunt was having trouble breathing. And it must have gotten bad enough for them to call an ambulance. En route to the hospital from the facility, which is merely two minutes away, something happened. The hospital staff said, "crashed". She "crashed". Whatever that means for them, it meant she lost consciousness, stopped breathing and was intibated.

The next morning my husband and I went to see her in the ICU. She was not conscious, she was heavily sedated and on a ventilator machine. It was a surreal moment. The tears welled up in my eyes and I went to her bedside. I rubbed her arm and spoke to her, calling her name. I was shocked that she turned her head towards me and fluttered her eyes. My husband said her heart rate jumped up ten numbers and it worried him. He said "I don't think we should be trying to wake her".

He went to the nurses station and asked the nurse that was caring for my aunt, about trying to communicate with her. Apparently they didn't want us to do that. They wanted her heart to stay calm while she was fighting so many infections in her body. She currently had pneumonia, one lung was completely full of fluid and her liver failing had caused the ammonia in her body to rise to dangerous levels. Adding these complications to her already failing body put her in danger.

Sadly, this Monday, April 9th my aunt passed away and joined the Lord. Her heart withstood as much as it could for nine days but couldn't hold on any longer. She is now free from pain. I am happy for her. She is now a smart person in heaven. God has released her from her limited mental capabilities. He has made her well again.

Humanly, I am still sad for her. And tomorrow we will attend the first of two funerals for her. One here,  and one back in Tampa. I have not cried this week for her. Not that my heart doesn't ache to have her fleshly body here on Earth with us, but I know that she is in a better place now. That she doesn't have to depend on breathing machines, western medicines, wheel chairs and many other medical devices to lengthen her life here.

It has been a rough time for me and my family. I'm glad that she we recently celebrated her mother's birthday all together. The whole family. My brothers, their spouses and children and my parents. She was surrounded by us all before the sickness took her home.

You never know when the last day will be with your loved ones. 

Please forgive me if I do not respond to your comments right away this weekend.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

PYHO: Disappointed and Dirty

I am disappointed with my self lately. My inability to complete my regular house work chores is leaving me frustrated. For the past few weeks I have been just "getting by" with my regular chores around the house. I make it through most of the laundry. I sort it. Wash it. Dry it. Fold it. And then it sits clean in a basket for days. Then when some one, usually my husband, runs out of something to wear, I start all over again. I have no choice but to finally put away the clean clothes that have been sitting around for days.

The laundry is only the tip of the iceberg. The lack of motivation is spilling over into other areas as well. My dusting in the house. The filing of papers. My coupon cutting. I am becoming so overwhelmed with the unfinished work that I don't know where to start. This behavior is so unlike me that it is really aggravating me.

I feel like a failure. In my own mind I'm failing at something. I'm not sure what anyone else thinks, because the only ones witnessing this are the kids and my husband. My husband is not a neat freak, so it's not going to bother him. Miss K follows in her dad's footsteps so she is not fazed by it. And Little E, he's not really old enough to realize how OCD I am.

The bigger issue I have with not finishing the regular day to day chores is, that I can't even justify starting on other chores that have manifested through out this. The season have changed, both kids have outgrown some clothes and I need to get the excess stuff out of their rooms. It's piling up. My garage looks like the beginnings of Hoarders. Seriously. It's scary.

The pressure of all this is taking a toll on my personality and I lashed out at my husband about it. So many of our weekends have been compromised by other events that I have no spare time to catch up. Some have been for pleasure. Thanks to Spring Break. Some have been due to family emergencies. Which you can't blame.

I need more time!

I need another me!

 I need to let go and stop beating myself up.
 How do you tell a perfectionist, obsessive compulsive, clean freak that it's ok that the dogs haven't been bathed and seriously need it, the dust behind the tv's will be ok for another week and that no body cares that you have three weeks of three Sunday newspapers sitting on your front porch. At least I live on a dirt road. 

And if you only knew the rest.