PYHO: Little E

Bittersweet moments in my life.

Last week, my Little E graduated from preschool. He is only a few months away from entering into his formulative years in school.

In thirty nine days he will turn 5. A milestone birthday. At least in this house we consider it one.

I sat back today and reminisced over the day last August we walked into the preschool where he was going to attend and remembered the excitement in his eyes. We chose a Montessori based school, based on high recommendations from a friend.

Little E couldn't wait to pull out a play-mat and join in.

Convincing him that he would be back in just a few weeks was something he just didn't comprehend. Now thinking about it, it seems like it was just yesterday. It brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat when I realize that almost another year has gone by.

How much longer will my little boy run to my arms for comfort from mommy hugs? School changes a child. They become more independent. The comfort of mom is saved for home, where friends cannot see.

I am mentally preparing myself for another year that I hope will not fly by. I hope that the birth of baby #3 does not overshadow the accomplishments that my second born will do.

My soon to be middle child. How will this change and mold his personality? My sweet "double" kisses boy. So many changes ahead for this little guy. A year of many firsts ahead. Am I ready?

PYHO: Can I give up Now?

It's not easy keeping my emotions in check. I am not the type of person who likes to hold my feelings inside and suppress them. I have had to, but the outcome after long periods of with holding my feelings isn't something you would want to witness. They come spewing out like hot lava. Really. It's not like when you shake the soda bottle and open the cap. That is merely too tame for how I can get.

That is the person I have tried to stop being, but this week is making it really hard. 

So this week, I'm feeling like a volcano ready to explode. It's building and building.

I've had many people ask me "how are you feeling?" Okay. It's been my usual answer. The "easy" answer.

"how are you holding up?" "Do you need anything?" " I'm checking on you". And I get the warm fuzzy feeling inside when these wonderful friends of mine ask me these questions. They are truly concerned for my well being. But I can't tell them how I really feel.

Because right now I'm feeling selfish. I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!

I know they mean well, but they really don't want me to open the floodgates. because if I really told them exactly how I felt, I would be a sobbing mess. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I want to be human and wallow in my sorrows for just a moment. I know I don't need my husband here to be able to that. But some one has to be here to take care of the kids.

Some one else besides me. And since their dad isn't here to do it, then I have to put on my Big Girl Panties and stand strong. Be in control. Take care of my children, the house and everything in between. 

I just don't want people thinking I'm heartless about not shedding a tear for my grandmother. I can't do it right now. 

This morning I did have a moment. The well sprung a leak. I missed two calls from my husband. And the third I was so anxious to grab it, I accidentally pressed "decline" on the phone. I lost it. The tears ran down my face. I was sobbing like a baby. Over a missed phone call. The little things are starting to break me down. I'm ready for this to be over. 

I have two more days. I'm hanging on by a thread and if you asked me, you'd never know. I'm strong. I will not admit defeat. But really, I just have. 

PYHO: Home in Heaven

Where do I begin? These past eleven days have been a blur. Sunday April 1st was any regular day for my family. We attended church that Sunday followed by our afternoon group gathering for church. It was even a little more fun since we went out to dinner after wards at our local BBQ restuarant. Then it all changed when I got the phone call from my mom.

My aunt, who was recently moved to a rehab facility here where I live from Tampa, was going into the hospital. Several months back she had gone into the hospital for swelling in her legs. It was discovered that she had sorosis of the liver and she was not an alcohol drinker. We believe that some years back another doctor told her that she had this, but due to her limited mental capabilities, she did not realize the severity of her condition.

 The rehab facility called my mother and told her that my aunt was having trouble breathing. And it must have gotten bad enough for them to call an ambulance. En route to the hospital from the facility, which is merely two minutes away, something happened. The hospital staff said, "crashed". She "crashed". Whatever that means for them, it meant she lost consciousness, stopped breathing and was intibated.

The next morning my husband and I went to see her in the ICU. She was not conscious, she was heavily sedated and on a ventilator machine. It was a surreal moment. The tears welled up in my eyes and I went to her bedside. I rubbed her arm and spoke to her, calling her name. I was shocked that she turned her head towards me and fluttered her eyes. My husband said her heart rate jumped up ten numbers and it worried him. He said "I don't think we should be trying to wake her".

He went to the nurses station and asked the nurse that was caring for my aunt, about trying to communicate with her. Apparently they didn't want us to do that. They wanted her heart to stay calm while she was fighting so many infections in her body. She currently had pneumonia, one lung was completely full of fluid and her liver failing had caused the ammonia in her body to rise to dangerous levels. Adding these complications to her already failing body put her in danger.

Sadly, this Monday, April 9th my aunt passed away and joined the Lord. Her heart withstood as much as it could for nine days but couldn't hold on any longer. She is now free from pain. I am happy for her. She is now a smart person in heaven. God has released her from her limited mental capabilities. He has made her well again.

Humanly, I am still sad for her. And tomorrow we will attend the first of two funerals for her. One here,  and one back in Tampa. I have not cried this week for her. Not that my heart doesn't ache to have her fleshly body here on Earth with us, but I know that she is in a better place now. That she doesn't have to depend on breathing machines, western medicines, wheel chairs and many other medical devices to lengthen her life here.

It has been a rough time for me and my family. I'm glad that she we recently celebrated her mother's birthday all together. The whole family. My brothers, their spouses and children and my parents. She was surrounded by us all before the sickness took her home.

You never know when the last day will be with your loved ones. 

Please forgive me if I do not respond to your comments right away this weekend.

PYHO: No One Said it Would Be Easy

For the first time in my life I am not upset or mad that a friend of mine made a choice that has affected me in a hurtful way. I think because I expected it to happen. I had hoped that it wouldn't. But you cannot control what other people are going to do.

For several months I have been dealing with issues in regards to secrets and truths about another friend, who I will name A. My other friend M, with whom I disappointed about, was best friends with A. M knew there was something bothering her husband about A's husband, but she was not aware of the secret until early November when her husband finally confronted A's husband about his cheating on his wife.

I knew A's husband was cheating. But how do you tell your friend that her husband is cheating? You don't. There is no easy or right way to do it. It always backfires when you tell some one else that their loved one is doing something wrong. And I've always been taught not to meddle.

M's husband had known for quite some time about the infidelity and A's husband had sworn him to secrecy about it and promised that he wouldn't cheat anymore. The problem: he had not stopped and was beginning to have a relationship with another woman. A's husband had decided enough was enough and was going to sever the friendship between the families. He felt that A's husband was a bad influence and didn't want his children around that.

M was devastated that her friendship was jeopardy. After the confrontation between the husbands, A called M. A was furious with her friend, she was in denial about her husband and she did not know who to believe. M tried talking to A and giving her advice, but A was not having anything to do with that.

Sadly, it created tension everywhere. My husband, who also knew of the infidelity, was confronted by A's husband just a day after the shoe was dropped. A's husband was trying to cover all his tracks and when he spoke with my husband  he said, " let's keep what you  know on the down low". My husband flat out refused to lie for him anymore. Which only forced the end to my friendship with A also.

I have been content without having A in my life anymore. My husband and I had already started distancing ourselves from them and the group of friends that we all hung out with. I have thought of her many times and prayed for her healing, since she chose to stay with her husband. Which is another post entirely.

But M is not content. She has not taken the separation well and I knew that she wouldn't. M and her husband have been coming to church with my husband and I regularly since the confrontation. There have been several sermons where it was as if the pastor knew what was going on. M and I would look at each other during service and we knew.

However, she has taken the messages differently than I have. Which can happen. So just the other day we were talking on the phone and she asked me about making plans to go see MJ in the end of January. Of course I was wanting to go too. Then she dropped the bomb. "Well A and her husband are going and they are getting a head count."  WHAT??


I couldn't believe that she was going with them and wanted to know if I wanted to go too? I am still in shock about it as I write this. I told her that I would not be hanging around that crowd and we got off the phone. That same day in the evening I wrote her through text. I flat out asked her if she and A were on good terms again.

I knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her. She said that they were kosher and that she forgave A, which I still don't understand. A should have been asking for forgiveness for turning her back on her friends. I can understand wanting to stay with your husband and working through the issues, getting marriage counseling. But don't turn your back on your friends.

I am not mad about M choosing to go back. Disappointed, yes. I had half hoped that it would have been longer so that M could see what it was like to have her own life. She has always been a shadow of A and tries to always be like her. I knew it was tough for her to not be wrapped up in A's life and I was so proud that she was making decisions for herself.

I will be a good friend and still be friends with M. But I will not associate with A anymore, not even for M. I am doing what is best for my family.

PYHO: Hanging on by a Thread

I'll eventually get to writing about why I've been on hiatus for about four weeks, but today something bigger is on my heart. I've been struggling with my youngest, Little E with his behavior. I partly blame myself for being a softie and letting him get his way. I admit it, I have coddled him way, WAY too long. And now it's biting me in the butt.

I also blame the behavior on preschool and the fact that he's four years old. I thought the three's were bad, but now that I look back at Miss K's year of four, she was a tough cookie too.

It didn't start over night. And it's not like his attitude change didn't happen on his birthday back in July. It has gradually gotten worse and my threshold for his badness has reached "the level".

Little E was always a sweet, kind little boy and reflected that behavior when he used to go to daycare.We never had any problems with him.Then before turning three I pulled him out and he stayed home with me. To prepare him for school next year, I placed him in VPK at a really nice montessori  based daycare/preschool. Since then he has complained about other boys treating him unfairly and excluding him.The teachers have not complained about him being bad to anyone at school, but who knows.

The problem: he's trying to befriend the wrong kids. The bullies, the "pretty boys", the rough kids. I can't choose his friends but when he starts reflecting their behavior at home, something has to give.

We've all heard the saying boys will be boys but that doesn't mean it's okay to come home and smack your sister because she won't give you what she has in her hands. And it doesn't mean when you don't get your way with mommy that you go to your room and kick the wall for ten minutes.

Dealing with the way he's been acting, doesn't make trying to get him to eat "big people" food any easier. I finally pout my foot down recently and will not cook him his own meal of either, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, fish sticks or mac and cheese anymore. He has to eat what we eat for dinner. We're on day five today and it's been awful to say the least.

I'm hoping this is just a phase and we grow out of it. Of course, he may grow out of it but I know we won't successfully make it unless I keep up with punishments and time outs.I'm open to suggestions from moms of boys who survived or are surviving the younger years.

PYHO:Twelve Days

I know I've said somewhere this summer I couldn't wait for school to start. That twelve weeks was just too long for summer vacation. I think that was me when the last school bell rang and I was thinking, what am I going to do for the next three months with the kids?? Especially since we live on a limited budget which does not allow me to take them on an excursion everyday. How could we possibly fill the time up everyday?

For five different weeks I shuffled Miss K back and forth to either an art camp or a nature camp. I wanted to keep her creative juices flowing through the summer since public school doesn't offer enough art/creative arts/music/science in the curriculum anymore.

But we did squeeze in several trips to Sea World. Thank you Sea World and EZ Pay annual passes-we LOVE you! Shamu does Rock! Summer Nights was the best.

We spent several Saturdays or Sundays at the beach. We made a trek to Tampa and visited some out of town family. We even made several trips to the library. My kids LOVE books.

But now I'm feeling guilty. Many times I have wished that school would start already. Those are on the days when we're having down time and the kids are nagging each other, picking on each other and not just getting along.... I want school back. I feel so guilty.

Here we are just 12 days away from the first day of school and these last twelve days are going to fly by. I'm sad.

I'm going to redeem my bad thoughts and celebrate my birthday and our last weekend of summer fun and take the kids for a four day beach weekend. This Friday the four of us are packing up and heading to one of our northeast beaches. I am so excited! I am not going to think about back packs, schedules, dance classes, preschool or 6 am wakeups this whole weekend.

I'm going to laugh at my silly kids while they play in the pool, dig sand castles by the beach, swim in the salt water and let them stay up late the last weekend they can.

This Saturday is my 35th (gulp) birthday and I'm sharing the celebration with my children. Normally, I would plan an event with my closest friends for a night on the town. But not this year. I'm going to soak up the sweet tenderness of my now 4 year old and 8 year old. My little man is going to be starting preschool this year and my princess is going into the third grade.

They won't be little forever.

I still feel guilty. Where did the summer go?

PYHO:Periods between Periods

Before writing this post I went into my archives to link to a previous post about this. But the only one I found was one I never published. It was written back on 02-08-11. So before writing what is on my heart and mind, I want you to see where my mind is.

I have been praying that God will soften my husband's heart about having another child. Last year it was discussed and I actually made an appointment to my OB/GYN to have my birth control removed. But just two days before I was to go, I canceled the appointment. Then my marriage took a turn for the worst and if you've been reading my blog for some time you know what I'm talking about. God was watching out for me and thankfully I listened and didn't go ahead with it. The timing wasn't right and who knows what the outcome could have been. After soul searching and repairing our marriage, changing churches and finding God again in my new church I put aside the thoughts of having another child. My family and marriage were more important that fulfilling my deep personal desire to have a larger family. So just a month ago I spoke to my husband about having number three again. It went better than I thought, at least he didn't flat out say no. Small subtle hints and praying daily and weekly to God has been the only thing quenching my soul. Until recently. If I didn't know any better, I would say that I was pregnant. But unless my birth control failed it's not possible. I know my body and I'm having symptoms that make me think that I could be. Nauseous, moody and my medicine is all wacko. I called my Family Care doctor and made an appointment because if we do want to to start trying I need to adjust my medicine to make my body safer for it. If I have my sure tell sign ( nosebleeds) that I am pregnant. I would say that it is God's will, because only he can make things like that happen despite the fact that I am trying to prevent being pregnant at this time. I know that my husband would not be upset because he getting softer about the idea. My prayers may have been answered. Only time will tell.


So recently I've been thinking about having another baby. It's actually been on my mind for quite some time. After Little E turned three I really started thinking about it. A few times I was supposed to go and have my IUD removed and then I canceled the appointment. My husband got cold feet and my marriage is more important that adding to our family.

Then we got a possible pregnancy scare, despite having birth control in place. I couldn't find my IUD string. If you have one, you know what I'm talking about and you're supposed to check for it monthly. I'm such a scatter brain and I can't remember the last time I checked for it. I was pretty scared and my husband was like, "oh my god, you could be pregnant". I had been having crazy menstrual periods for two months, even twice in one month.

If you can't be sure that your IUD is in place, then you should be using a secondary back up type of birth control. Well when you don't know how long it's been that way, then it's hard to say what might have happened.

I made an appointment for the next day to the OB/GYN. My husband and I discussed the possibility of removing it this time. I figured that when I saw the doctor that she would find it and I would have her remove it and we would be trying for another little one. Well, she couldn't find it either. After trying three different methods of locating it, I was going to have to get an ultrasound. I was really worried now.

What if I'm pregnant with an IUD in there? What do I do?

The doctor didn't seem that concerned and I think because I had a period on the 8th of this month. I explained to her that it was only one day and that is not normal for me. Basing that I had quite a bit of bleeding in the first trimester of Little E's pregnancy, anything was possible.

I've prayed to God. I've asked that if I'm wrong about my desires that he give me an answer, a sign that I should just stop my thoughts. For him to squelch my dreams.

Then I thought maybe this was his answer. That I should go ahead and remove it. That this was his way of getting me there. That this was the push and in my own free will I was to take the plunge.

I got the ultrasound and everything is as it should be. Just an IUD where it's supposed to be. No baby. I was happy and sad all at the same time. It was a bittersweet moment. I did not make another appointment to remove it. I don't know why.

I guess I thought that if it was devine intervention and I did get pregnant with an IUD, that it was not my plan. That it was God's plan.

So here we are and I'm having another period. I'm thinking it's a second chance. I was having second thoughts about not removing it because my husband and I decided to go ahead. I actually got cold feet this time, not my husband.

PYHO: Stuck in the Middle

Sometimes I find myself standing in my kitchen thinking about how nice things are going on in life. That there is no stress and how well the week is going. No craziness.

Life is smooth. It's like a piece of bliss. Perfect harmony.

I'm feeling self assured that my life is going in the right direction. Spiritually. Financially.

Then the rug gets pulled out from under me again.

I'm not sure who is trying to correct me. Is it Satan rearing his ugly head at me? Laughing that I actually thought life could always go so easy. Or was it God? Is he testing my devotion to him? Making me prove my worth yet again?

I've talked about how my in laws and I have strained relationships. Some days things are good between us. Usually when they keep their distance. Sadly that is the best way to keep a sane relationship with them. For me. I can't let them in too far. Of course when the holidays roll around, or a birthday celebration, it gets messy.

Father's Day was a small train wreck. I had a weak moment and decided to go to dinner with my husband's dad, his stepmom and the kids on Saturday, the night before. There was a long, let me say VERY LONG wait at the restaurant. His step mom starting getting weirded out. She couldn't sit still and we tried to make the best of the moment. Thankfully after an hour we were seated but the weirdness stepped up a bit. She ordered a glass of wine. Big mistake.
The alcohol accelerated her mood and she was loopy. She was giving the waiter a hard time about the menu. Complaining about the service. Loudly complaining about the wait for the salad bar.
She was putting me on the edge. I wanted the evening to end and everyone to finish dinner quickly. It's one thing to be uncomfortable with her at home but when it's in a public place, not so much.
We survived the evening. The only good thing about being in public with her is that when it's over, we go home. No whining that we're leaving her house. No dancing around with the kids because she's had four too many glasses of wine to drink. We just get to walk away and drive home.

Fourth of July weekend came and I thought it was going to be peaceful. We only made plans with my parents and a few friends. Tried to keep it low key. We went to church on Sunday morning before heading to the beach for the rest of the day.

It was nearing the end of the day at the beach and we were planning on going home and enjoying a nice evening with my parents coming over to our house. Then my husband gets a phone call while we're trying to load up the van. I gave him a look like are you really going to answer that now? Call who ever it is back. He quickly brushed off the caller, promising to call them back.

Then his phone chimes that he has a text. You'd think that he would wait until we're leaving to read it. But he just couldn't. It was from his dad. He was telling him that the cops were on their way to his house and that his wife was trying to have him arrested for abuse and holding her against her will. What the hell??!!

My husband turns to me and angrily says " I should have taken that phone call! I can't believe that I listened to you."

"Are you kidding me??! You're blaming me??!" I defended my actions. "As if taking that phone call was going to change anything!"

I was glad that my parents were standing there with us. They sympathized that my husband was upset but defended me as well.

I've had about enough of his family's crisis' and shenanigans. At that moment the thoughts that ran through my mind were, what now? What are we going to be expected to do? What has that crazy woman done THIS time?


Without going into more detail and making this post much longer, I'll briefly summarize the rest of it.

My husband went to his dad's house that evening, ending the rest of our fun for that day. His dad was not arrested. His step mom was arrested after attempting to attack his father in front of the officers and announcing she was going to kill him. She was taken to a mental health treatment center for observation. She was supposed to be held for 72 hours but was released after 12 hours after accepting their recommendations to seek treatment.

Currently, I am fed up with the situation. The relationship between his father and step mom are like when some one is being abused. The abusee thinks it their fault and they love the abuser, despite the crap that they put them through. That is where is dad is, he loves her and he is blaming himself for her problems. I personally believe that nothing will change. She will continue to drink, take her pills and cause problems, even if she goes to a treatment center. I used to have sympathy for his dad when dealing with her. Not anymore. So here we are, seven days away from Little E's birthday and ten from his party. I am going to take a firm stance that she not attend.

I know that my expectations are going to come with repercussions. My husband is not going to agree with me and if his step mom is not welcomed, then his father won't come. She doesn't know that we know what happened. Another issue that bothers me. His father doesn't want her to know that he told his son. Where do I with this? What do I do? I'm stuck in the middle.

Lost and Found

I hate losing things. I think most people do but it sends me into a tail spin. It doesn't matter if it's an item of mine or the kids. As soon as it's realized that the item is missing, the questions begin. When was it seen last? Where did I have it? Where was I if we were out of the house?
I mentally ask myself these questions if it's my item. If it's the kids, it might take longer to get answers and usually more questions ensue.
This time, it's me who lost an item. I lost my earring. A gold earring. This wouldn't be the first time I lost one. It's more frustrating this time because I don't have a back up pair that I like. And I lost one of these before and was lucky enough to have found it.
Not this time.
When I realized it last night, I went on a man hunt. Or woman hunt. I started looking under my recliner. Which I made a mental note, clean under that thing. I checked all the obvious places. I even looked in my jewelry dish, maybe I started the day with only one. I wasn't leaving out any possibilities.
I didn't find it. The worst part of hunting around the house to find something that is missing. I find dirty spots in my house that I hadn't noticed before. So it escalates my OCD. Compound that with a missing item plus the scouring the house for it.
I finally gave up. I'm not sure if it was finding more things I needed to clean or knowing that this was an effort in futility.
I'll be on the lookout for it now when I'm cleaning.

PYHO:Spades are always spades

I was going to write about my dysfunctional in laws again for this Pour Your Heart Out and I had already started the post in my thoughts. Then something happened Monday evening that really deserves the attention. I have to get this off my chest. I wanted to spill it out on the social media forum where it escalated but I'm going to be a better person. I try to avoid drama and people who say they hate drama, actually enjoy creating it. Case in point, a so called friend, or as the new term I hear a lot lately, frenemy.

I blame myself for not being a better judge of character. Maybe reconnecting years after being friends in high school was a mistake.

There have been several things that have raised a red flag with me. I've only recently started putting the pieces to the puzzle together. I usually over analyze situations or conversations and it gets me into trouble. Not this time. Without actually pointing the finger at me, I know it's me.

She and I started playing an online game against each other through our phones. Hanging with Friends. If you have an iPhone you may know it. It's pretty much like hangman that you used to play as a kid. She beat me the first game. The second game however. I was beating her. And as far as I believe she couldn't believe that I was winning on my own so she throws a word that in no way she figured on her own.

The word in question. Zariba. What in the hell kind of word is that? Especially with previous words like ejector, pursed, bites, folk, quits, thins....do we have a pattern? I'm certain she has an average vocabulary.

So after I figured her word out with some help the game went downhill from there. The next two words that she had to solve that I gave her, she didn't try. She guessed crap letters to lose the game. I wondered what in the hell was going on. Later that evening while browsing Facebook I saw a comment she made to another friend of ours, whom I am also playing the same game with. It went on to say that she was quitting all her games because of cheaters. Sore loser if you ask me.

I will defend my reason for using a cheat to figure out her word. She cheated first and used a word that she has no way of knowing the meaning of without the use of a dictionary. I could bet that she didn't like losing fair and square so she threw a word like that at me. I fell for that trap and cheated. Only that once did I use another phone app to figure out the word. It's just a game.

The point is not that I cheated, the point is that she couldn't say something to my face about it. She had to run her mouth on a social network where I would read it. She could have texted that friend the same exact comment. But she LOVES attention. She wanted others to read it and put their two cents in. Of course leaving out the part that she did. People need to grow up, stop acting like we're still in high school.

I really wanted to run my mouth on the thread. I wanted to call a spade a spade. But it's not worth it. It won't do any good.

I know where I stand.

PYHO:Frustrated

This weekend started out as one of the best of this summer. We took the kids to the beach, we spent most of the day there. We had to leave earlier than planned because the ocean high tide came in earlier than expected, and farther into the shore. That should have been a sign.

Monday was going to be a busy day of washing laundry from the weekend, including wet bathing suits and damp towels and doing some house work. Best laid plans. Monday morning welcomed a stomach bug for me. For twelve hours I spent my time on my bed or in the bathroom. I will leave those details to the imagination. My husband, my knight in shining armor, came home from work to tend to the kids and do laundry for me.

I could not physically stand in the kitchen long enough to make breakfast for my kids. It really sucked for me.

What bothers me the most.? I can never get ahead. Just when things are going well, I get a curve ball and knocked out.

I'm behind on my housework again, but it's my day off from work. I didn't want to spend today doing ALL that house work plus more and ignore the kids. If I never get my regular work done, how will I ever get the computer/craft room reorganized? How will I find the time to paint the living room? I can hardly find the time to blog, let alone get anything extra done? I feel like I'm running in circles!

Either I choose to neglect the current housework and tackle an organizing task that could consume hours or shove the organizing aside like I've been doing for months... I thought I might do it this summer.

PYHO:Fat Girl

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


We are our own worst critics. Some harder than others on themselves. I fall in the middle to high range and you'd never know it.

I hate my body. I have hated my body since seventh grade. I was born a robust baby at 11lbs 3 oz. I was an average to slender child until I reached the age 10 or 11. Then my body got large. I became that chubby girl. I blame it partly on being a lonely child. I would come home after school and munch on snacks. My mom had gone back to work when I was nine years old and she wasn't home in the afternoons. My brothers and I weren't allowed to leave the house or have friends over, so it was very lonely.I found comfort in food.

As the years progressed I ate more and my body size grew. I hated having those BMI tests taken in middle school, when that nutritionist came to the school and measured your fat on your back. All the other girls would discuss their numbers and I always lied. I was not about to tell them how fat I was. Dressing in the locker room for physical education was torment enough. I usually got to the locker room first to make sure I was alone while changing.

I hate looking back at photos of myself.

I used to be able to lose weight by cutting out soda, not eating pasta or bread and skipping breakfast. I could drop 5 pounds in one week. I lost quite a bit of weight before getting married but I look back at those photos from my wedding and yikes. I was still very heavy.

I got pregnant with Miss K. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but I did not have the body to have that cute round pregnant belly. I felt fat. After having K I went on a strict diet, exercised and lost all the baby weight plus more. I was feeling good. Then slowly I started gaining the weight back. I lost weight again and got pregnant with Little E.

After having Little E I really put the pressure on myself. I was tired of being heavy. I tried to get strict with myself and completely cut out soda, snacks and cut down carbs. I joined a gym and was religiously working out at the gym. That lasted a year. I was feeling happy with myself but still didn't have that beach body I have always dreamed of.

Slowly the weight has creeped back up on me and I'm heavy again. I'm depressed about it. There are so many factors that account for my downfalls with weight.

I start feeling fat and my clothes are snug so I get determined about losing weight. I follow a good meal plan for about two weeks and when the results are not as fast as I'd like I get discouraged.
I LOVE to eat. That's a big downfall. I think, oh one more helping won't hurt me. Or, that bagel with egg and cheese will be okay, I'll eat less at lunch. Uh huh.
I need willpower. I need the willpower to hang on and be patient. The weight will come off. It gets harder the older you get to lose weight.

Knowing all these things, it still doesn't calm my mind about hating my fat body. I am constantly looking at my body in the mirror with or without clothes on. I try to dress to hide myself. It sucks. I wish I could get lipo suction, a tummy tuck and I'd feel so much better. One of my best friends just had the same thing that I've wanted done. She is three weeks into her recovery and wow, she looks great. Another reason I'm feeling more sad about my weight.

I'll never get there with just exercise and good nutrition.

PYHO: Stop that Plane

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO
POUR YOUR HEART OUT!!
Thank you Shell at Thing's I Can't Say
for keeping this blog meme going strong.

I should know better than to do something without thinking it through. But I let my soft side get the better of me and made a decision thinking of some one else. I decided a few months ago to suggest a short trip to New England for my husband. I thought it would be nice to have him go visit his grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins for a few days and enjoy his parents birth state. He couldn't believe that I would even suggest it and he questioned me making sure I meant it.

I really did mean it. Then.

I should have done my research and checked ALL the calendars because I missed the school one. The week, this week in fact is the one he flies out; is the same week that Miss K is on Spring Break. Big fat bummer. When I realized it, it was too late because all the arrangements had been made, his plane ticket had been purchased and his cousin from California had already planned the same weekend to go too.

I feel bad but I have done nothing but whine and complain about it. I know it's bad to make him feel guilty for being excited to get away but I wish I had not suggested this trip. I was handling it quite well up until a few days ago when he told me his father was now going. The same man who was not going to go and now at the last minute is going.

I cannot explain the raw emotion I have about his father, my father in law. But for some reason, him going on this trip,only because my husband is going, irritates me. I KNOW with my heart and soul that he is ONLY going because his son is going. Maybe I'm jealous.

So what.

I, as his wife will always be his first priority. So much so that when his dad suggested that he stay the night at his house tonight, Tuesday so they could ride to the airport together, my husband declined the offer. He chose to stay home on the last night before flying out.

He (his dad) can have his 4 days alone with my husband. But it starts Wednesday morning.

I know that I should have some respect for my elders and I do. But I deserve respect as my husband's wife and parent's should learn that when their child marries that they are forsaken. The vows of husband and wife trump parent ties.

I've gone off just a bit on this tirade, especially since I was upset about this trip. I know I'm most upset about the circumstances that have happened since it was planned. I'm missing my husband already and he hasn't even left yet.
A least the kids are one Spring Break this week, it's going to keep me quite busy while their daddy is away. We're heading to the beach tomorrow to enjoy some sun and fun with their grandma. The days will fly by and before I know it, my husband will be back home.

Pour Your Heart Out: My child?

I went in for an impromptu conference with Miss K's school principal today. It went better than I had hoped it would and I'm looking forward to seeing if she can get me some answers. It goes with the territory, no one else is going to fight for your child but you.

Yesterday I walked up to the school parent pick up and Miss K walks up to me with a sullen look on her face. I know that look.
"What happened" , I ask her. "It's.... bad, mom", she says to me.
"How bad?" I question, hoping she didn't do something outright horrible.
" I got a ....red, mom."
"Why? What did you do? Who were you talking to today?" , I press for information.
"Nobody mom. I was reading a book during reading time and Camren came over." Uh, I knew it, Camren. The child that will not go away.
"And did you tell him to leave you alone?" I questioned.
"I ignored him mom, I kept trying to read my book." she tells me, still looking very upset.
"So why did you get a red for behavior, K??" , I ask again. "Because Eric, the classroom monitor said I was talking and he moved my color down."

What!!!?? WHAT???
This is where I get mad. Why is another child in the classroom deciding her behavior? Where was the teacher?

I found Miss K's teacher at the parent pickup loop directing traffic and approached her. I asked her why did K get a red behavior report. Get this.

She doesn't know why. REALLY?? I explained and repeated what Miss K told me happened and she had no answers for me. She told me that she was out of the classroom and her co teacher was in there. I couldn't believe that a teacher wouldn't know why a child had a bad behavior report and would still send that report home for their parent to sign. I expressed my concern about this lack of information and wasn't satisfied with the answers she was giving me.

So after leaving the school I called my best friend who used to teach in the public school system. She told me that another student can be a classroom monitor but he/she MAY NOT decide their behavior color by their own choosing. I pretty much knew that and wanted to make sure I was right.

I hung up the phone and called the school. The principal was in a meeting so I spoke with her secretary. By now, I would say the secretary knows me by my voice. I have been quite an outspoken advocate for my daughter since she started going to school there three years ago. Patti asked me the reason for my call and I expressed my urgency in resolving this issue. She took my cell phone number in anticipation that the principal would call me last night.

Unfortunately she never called me. I don't "let sleeping dogs lie" and went to the school office first thing this morning. It definitely pays to be on the School Advisory Council and a school volunteer because I walked right in and was told I could find Patti ( the secretary) in her office. After telling her that I never got a phone call last night she immediately tried to schedule me an appointment for this morning, but the principal was going to be in evaluations all day. So Patti went to find the principal for me right then.

I got to have my parent/principal conference right then. I told her everything that had transpired between myself and the teacher, what Miss K told me and my concerns about another student being in charge instead of the teacher. She was concerned and about this issue. I know that my child is not perfect, but I know when she is telling the truth and not trying to get out of being in trouble.
I also got my opportunity to talk about next year and classroom placement without Camren in her class. He and Miss K must be separated. It is vital to her excelling in the classroom. He is quite the distraction. I am looking forward to what happens for the rest of the year. Only nine weeks left of school.

UPDATE: While picking up Miss K from school today her teacher approached me and told me that per my note request in Miss K's folder that it has been taken care of. Miss K got a blue today. (Blue is the top of the behavior chart. Which is where she has been 90% of the last semester.) The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Pour Your Heart Out: Resolving the Resolutions

I'd said this before and I'll say it again.
Thank you Shell for coming up with this meme.
It's a blessing to be able to let it go and pour it out with the
safety blanket of PYHO.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

My news years resolutions to really get myself on board with keeping a budget, being more organized and following through has had it's ups and downs. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, when it came to following my budget and cutting coupons. But this week I found the handle and got right back up there. I think it took a shell shocker to rock me to my core to open my eyes up.

I had set some goals last year to pay off our mountain of credit card debt and had been religiously trying to chunk up those cards. But it's hard to do sometimes when you're paying everyone all your extra cash flow and when something comes up what do you do? You charge it. I couldn't see where we were going wrong with our money. So I plugged all our expenses and deposits into an Excel spreadsheet and I can see in black in white where we have to improve. It was like a weight got lifted off my shoulders.

I realized that I had been spending too much on groceries, wasting money on food that we never ending up eating. I would buy too much produce or go overboard when it came to sale items and then when I needed to buy groceries for the week, we overspent. So I set a new goal to keep each dinner under a certain dollar amount.

This past week, I set up my recipes online and did better about being frugal on the recipes I picked. I wasn't paying attention to the recipes I was picking and then I had to go buy items that I didn't have on hand and would need like a teaspoon of something that I had to buy a large container of. I was so proud of myself on my grocery shopping trip. I spent exactly what I had budgeted and it feels great! I will not fall off the wagon again, not in the grocery department.
I even spent 30 minutes clipping coupons, checking my favorite coupon website and saved $42.00!!!

Not keeping with goals and letting things get out of hand really accelerates my imbalance. Lately I've been trying to control issues with my imbalance and when money is tight and the bills are paid but still hanging in the balance it escalates my temper. My next goal is to set up new goals to cut the credit card mountain. I will not let this get the best of me. I made this mess and I will get myself out of it.

Simple Woman's Daybook

Wow. I needed a de stresser for the day.
I thought that something simple that I could
just Q&A would be good to get my
mind off of things.
It's a nice quiet evening and I have nothing to do.

FOR TODAY
Outside my window...it's dark and not cold out. the Groundhog did not see his shadow so it looks like winter is closing up.
I am thinking... about a friend.
I am thankful for...my sweet little boy, who asks me to read him a book every night even when
I'm too tired, I still do.
From the kitchen... an empty bowl of raspberry swirl ice cream.
I am wearing...Tampa Bay Rays baseball t-shirt. #13
I am creating... a scarp with my halfwitted attempt at knitting.
I am going...to finish my 52 week Organizing chart for www.orgjunkie.com
I am reading...End of Days by Sylvia Brown
I am hoping... that I get my tax paperwork organized soon so I can get my refund. I need a new carpet steamer, the rugs look awful.
I am hearing... the fish tank water gurgling because my husband has let it run low again. Funny, this was the same last time.
Around the house... I washed the rugs again, thanks to muddy dog feet. I washed some laundry, emptied the fridge of leftovers (garbage day tomorrow) and vacuumed again today.
One of my favorite things... is listening to the quiet and reading my weekly devotional for church.
A few plans for the rest of the week: grocery shopping on Friday afternoon, Saturday night we are celebrating my dad's birthday and Sunday is the Superbowl. We are going to a friend's house that I have not seen in years to grill out and enjoy some football.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing... My sweet nephew TJ who is the cutest little guy. He is an exact replica of my little brother when he was little. It warms my heart to look at him because my brother and I were so close while growing up. I miss seeing my brother, it stinks he lives 7.5 hours away.

PYHO: Hold the Glass, Give me the Bottle

Thank you Shell for creating this meme. It's easier to open
my heart when I know that I'm not the only one pouring it
out and spilling my soul on the blogsosphere today.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Do you know what it's like to be a 10 year old shy kid who invites a dozen girls to your birthday party and only two people show up? And then at your own party you become the third wheel. Then many years later as a grown up you throw a candle party and one of your close friends come? Two of the others say "yes I'll be there" but then you see their Facebook update and they're going out for the night with friends. It sucks.

You should be able to grow up and not harbor those inadequate feelings from your childhood but it's pretty hard. Experiencing being the wallflower, the kid who got ignored at slumber parties or picked on makes you very reserved. You make sure that you don't put yourself in situations that will make you feel like that kid again. But will you ever learn.

I had been wanting to have a girls night with some friends. The hubs said I deserved a night without the kids ad he was more than willing to be sole parent for a night. I planned a girls night at my house to have dinner and play cards. It was going to be a potluck meal with me preparing the main dish. I called my best friend and she was more than willing to come and she would ask her friend J to come along too. I asked two other friends to come and one said sure thing and another one hemmed and hawed. She wouldn't give me a definite answer and when I decided to ask a few more of my girlfriends I realized that they were all going to another event (that I had decided not to pay to go to this year). So I was down to four girls including myself.

Then a day before my best friend tells me that her friend J won't be able to make it. Bummer. Not it was down three. It was falling apart. I called my friend who wouldn't give me a yes or no and tried my best to convince her to come. The problem for her: no sitter and hubby was working and wasn't getting home until at least 3-4 hours after my party was to start.

Saturday morning, the day of the GNO I decided to cancel it. It was going to be a bust and I figured I would just reschedule it for another weekend. I had already purchased my main course and the hubs was slow cooking it in the crock pot. I called my best friend and asked if we could just have a combined family dinner with her kids and mine. It was a date. I wasn't feeling too bad about not having my girls night. Until later.

If you tell some one that you cannot go to their event and you change your plans and go with some one else with your said husband who was working, don't post it on Facebook. And if you do, expect everyone, including the person you said no to, to read it.

That is exactly what happened. I was mortified! My husband was checking FB and told me what my friend wrote as her status. I could not believe that my friend did this to me. I could have let bygones be bygones and learned from this lesson, but nope I was pissed and hurt. Why is that people feel the need to stomp on me? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this but I know that I will not let things other people do tear me down.

Wacky Wednesday

I was half looking forward to today. Wednesday is my day off and I usually get a chance to relax since it's the one day that nothing else is going on. No work, no trips to the dance studio for Miss K, no driving to the gym and no volunteering at school. You get the drift. I have been anticipating this day for a week at least. I had it scheduled today and prepaid for the surgery for my dog and my cat to be spayed and neutered.
My dog Bella is almost a year old and since we do not want her to have puppies she needed to be spayed. The cat Oscar is about six months old and he is coming into his "manhood". I guess you could call it that and since he's an indoor cat, we needed to get him"fixed" soon. For a week I've had to deal with him running out the door to get outside and howling like a female cat in heat. It was soo annoying.
So this morning after dropping off Miss K at school I had to get back home and load up the animals. Since we were able to have them "altered" at our local animal shelter for low cost it made more sense to have them go together. The drop off time for surgery was at 9:00- 9:30am which left most of the morning for me and Little E to get out of the house.

After a half hour hanging out in the waiting room and being embarrassed by my dog's lack of ability to hold her bladder we were on our way to the fabric store. I still needed one piece of fabric to finish Little E's pirate costume for Halloween.

Taking Little E into Jo-Ann's fabric store was pretty entertaining to say the least. He found himself some pirate fabric that he had to have and of course I bought a piece to make a small pillow. I found a remnant to use for his costume and of course I got sucked into the clearance section. I did score an awesome deal on a sewing basket and bought some more stuff to fill it with. Feeding my newest hobby addiction-sewing. We couldn't get out of the store though without a lesson in taking what doesn't belong to us. Little E tried to stash a piece of candy in his pocket and thankfully I caught him. Why do they sell candy in a craft store anyways?

Running on empty in the gas tank and in my stomach I stopped for gas before heading home and discovered that Daytona Beach does not have a Dunkin Donuts anywhere!!! I had to drive back home before locating a DD back near my hometown.

Realizing that I needed to go to Target again for the third time this week (You'd think I'd avoid that place after my recent experience) I passed home to go pick up my prescription that was available a week ago. Of course when I get to the pharmacy they tell me that my prescription was returned to the shelf so I would have to wait 20 minutes. By now, Little E is begging me for an icee and I just want to go home and eat lunch. I decided to hang in the store and wait and browse the Halloween section which is already on clearance.

Twenty five minutes later we were on our way out leaving not much time before having to go pickup Miss K from school. No time left to go home and eat lunch we met up with a friend at Chick Fil A. It actually gave me a breathing moment to eat and watch the little guy play in the playground.

After picking up Miss K, all she was concerned with was when were we going to get Bella and Oscar. We had a few hours before the pick up time and headed home to get homework done and give Little E a nap. By then he was running on empty, whining about everything and telling me " see mommy, I'm not tired anymore". He might not think he is but I was and needed a break.

My relaxing hour that I thought I might get didn't happen. Maybe I should have stayed off the phone or maybe I should have put the computer away. Who knows, but I do know that my time in the recliner was anything but relaxing. I was planning to make a last trip to the grocery store to get some items that were on sale and use my coupons. So I was searching on my newest money saving, coupon clipping website to print more out. All the while I was keeping tabs on Miss K who was not staying on task with her homework.

Before I knew it it was 4:00pm and I needed to get back on the road again to go get the animals. Another hour on the road round trip not including stopping at the store and waiting at the clinic. We get to the humane society and of course you can view the puppies and kittens from this room. This afternoon they moved some new puppies into the viewing cages and I spotted this adorable fawn and white pup. She was absolutely precious and fell in love with the kids.

Before I know it I'm standing in the back field with both kids and this puppy. We're doing a "meet n greet" and getting to know this sweet puppy I penned the name "Baby". The kids didn;t get the idea about adopting and thought we were taking this puppy home today. What was I thinking? My friend says I'm crazy. I guess so. It's a crazy life I lead. The chaos is hilarious. So we're on the waiting list to see if we get the puppy.

After an hour at the clinic we load up the cat and dog and head home. Bella was so excited to see us she couldn't control her bladder and peed all over again.

She's pretty mellow tonight. I think the surgery and leaving us for the day has traumatized her for now. The cat is not happy with me since he's sporting a new collar. haha. That's what he gets for licking his stitches. Thankfully the little guy has stopped howling like a cat in heat. It might be quiet around here now.

The kids are asleep, where I should be. I think it's taking me longer to wind down. It' been a crazy day. Back to work in the morning.

PYHO: Pour Me A Large Glass

All it takes is one wrong word or something to set the mood in a bad light or some one not doing what they should be doing. The stress sets in and the mood changes. Then something else happens and escalates the mood and before you know it you can cut the tension with a knife.

That is just one moment of what it was like before I broke down and went to to doctor. Ten months ago I decided that I couldn't stand treating my family with such anger and meanness.

I have had stress issues since my teen years and they had manifested into much more after marriage and children. But you try to ignore the problem and after an outburst you say it's the last time. But I can say it's like a drug. You say "this is the last time". And then it happens again. Something irritates you and you get mad and when it's all over you apologize. You say it won't happen again, you won't get mad but you're only fooling yourself.

Then it happens again. But it's meaner and nastier than the last time because mentally you got away with nasty last time so you push it more. The best way I can describe it is like seeing red. You get so upset that you don't realize how mad you are and anything can irritate you while you're in this rage.

I broke down in tears and called my doctor one morning after yelling at the kids. I gave into turning to medication because praying for strength and asking for forgiveness of my sins wasn't working anymore. It only took eight years to come to terms with the fact that I needed help that I couldn't find alone.

It has been the best thing that has happened to me. Not many people know I take medicine to stay calm. Because honestly, the people that don't know never saw THAT side of me. That part of who I was was not publicly shown. There's no reason to tell them about that part of me because I'm not proud of it.

I hope to one day wean off the medicine. My doctor says it possible. I know that it's not going to be anytime soon. A good example would be this weekend. I got food poisoning and missed a day and half worth of my medicine. My irritability creeped in on me today. The small things started bothering me. It's possible that it was a combination of tiredness, missed medicine, and being overwhelmed that contributed to my irritated mood.

For those people out there that are feeling lost, moody, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, angry, tired... or any other contributing factor added with stress of raising children, keeping house, keeping a husband happy it's ok to admit defeat and seek help. Maybe you won't need medicine, maybe counseling with a therapist is what you need. Don't feel like a failure. Because for many years I felt like if I asked for help that I was admitting there was a problem and I didn't think there was.

Raincoat not needed

When it rains, it definitely pours. Today has been one of those crazy days that you just have to laugh at the craziness. The highlight of my day was that it was my day off from work and that it's my Wedding Anniversary. Not having to worry about being anywhere and being able to enjoy the morning, except for driving Miss K to school, it should have been peaceful. Nope, not this day.

Spilled banana milk during breakfast before we have to leave the house at 7:35am. It was 7:10 am and the best clean up I could manage was paper towels and cleaning wipes.I guess I could have let the dogs lick it up. Ha!

Trip to BJ's in attempt to use my 60 day free trial club membership and halfway there realizing that I left the coupon on the printer at home. Yep, pretty fantastic!

Fully potty trained three year old, or so I thought, poops in his underwear today. Oh, and I won't be too graphic, but it wasn't your regular bowel movement. Sticky, stinky and gross!

Awesome quietness in the middle of the day with Little E napping I took the time to get a few loads of laundry done. I planned it out to wash towels and bath rugs which could be easily removed without folding and then I would wash the whites. I hate whites, I hate folding socks. So I washed them last so they could yes, be left in the dryer. Yep. I'm feeling lazy like that.

I screwed up my anniversary dinner. I thought that I would make a family favorite of spaghetti, salad and garlic bread. Let's just say that the salad was fabulous. The sauce was gross. It wasn't even worthy of saving for leftovers to try and doctor it up.

Woke up the little man to eat dinner and he took about a half hour to crawl out from his bunk bed. I went back in to check on him and he's sitting on the floor, looks over at me and says "I need dry shorts mommy". What? He peed in the bed. He was soaked, the bed was soaked. It was like a gallon of it. So much for my laundry sitting in the dryer. Remember the missed step before nap? Yeah, I forgot to have him go pee.

Bathtime before dinner took up my extra time that I use to feed the dogs and cats. Begging animals after dinner made me rush through the steps and I was remembering the linens and bedsheets in the washer. I accidentally dropped the cat's food bowl with wet and dry food all on the floor. Another mess! Did I need something else to clean?!

At least I wrangled the hubby into helping me put Little E's bedsheets back on the bunkbed. Or that would have taken me 20 minutes while I climbed up and down the ladder and tackled the sheets alone.

But it didn't end there. Before bedtime, Little E was begging for a drink. I told him no because I didn't need another mess. He took upon himself to get a sippy cup, fill it up with water from the fridge and tried to put the lid on the cup He spilled it all over two kitchen chairs, the table, his pajamas and the floor. Outfit #3 today for one child and he's not a newborn anymore!

Thankfully I think my mess day is over. Knock on wood!!! I'm not in bed yet and the dogs might find it in their sneakiness to make a mess for me too. I'm hanging up the apron and gloves for the night, where's the housekeeper?