I want to be me

I woke up feeling like the world was closing in on me. I blame it partly on the fact that I stopped taking my anti depressants a few weeks ago. It's been tough and I had my first appointment a week and half ago with my psychologist. I am looking forward to my next appointment on April 1st. I have been using the "exercises" she suggested to calm myself but it's been hard. I have been suppressing my feelings again and I am finding it harder to find some one to talk to in the meantime.
Only a handful of my friends outside of the blog know my situation and I have only been able to talk to one of them lately. So it makes it hard to be able to get it off my chest. I hate feeling inadequate. I have struggled with self acceptance for years and I am my worst enemy.
I don't like to hide who I am to other people, because if I knew that they would accept me as who I really am, then I would show them the real me.
But I don't think they could handle the real me. I a neurotic person with an Obsessive Compulsive Personality who likes to control every situation. I am a pessimist. I always see life without rainbows and sunshiny faces. I will find the bad in most situations and who wants to hear that? I am just being practical. I would rather set myself up for the worst to happen and if it doesn't then I wasn't let down. Does that make sense?
I want to be liked. I am a good person who knows how to love. Just because I am not a cookie cutter personality does not make me bad. We're all different. Why can't any one understand that? We're supposed to love each other.
I feel like I have to try harder than most to keep relationships with girl friends. If I could just be who I am.....

Silence is Golden

We were running late to church this morning for the 9:00 am service and I figured we would walk into the sanctuary during praise songs. But as we entered the hallway we were greeted by the sound of Pastor James welcoming everyone to the morning service. We quickly found our seats and I shoved my purse under the pew in front of us, then I remembered that I needed to silence my cell phone.
I was pretty wise about turning mine off which I always do for church. After our praise song and Pastoral prayer the lights were dimmed and the video screens went black. The word SILENCE flashed white on the screens. Followed my many different scriptures talking about silence and listening to God. Meditation. Being still. Prayer.
It was quite uplifting to listen to only the sound of your heartbeat as these words flashed by. I felt more connected and was intrigued how the quiet can be so reassuring and comforting. The sermon that Pastor James gave really spoke to my heart today.
In today's world we are always distracted by the noise of the world. Whether it's the television, radio, cell phones or people. Then we wonder why we can't hear God. Our Lord is always speaking to us, but how can we hear him amongst all that noise? You have to set aside the time to be in silence when asking and praying to him and wait, meditate and be still. We might pray to God and he hears us, but we're not giving him the time to answer us. What kind of conversation is that?
It touched me because in some small way I know what he's talking about. This past Friday evening during dinner, we ate without the television on. It was an enjoyable quiet. Miss K asked me " aren't you going to turn the tv on? Maybe watch Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune?" I told her "nope. not tonight. We're enjoying dinner together without tv." She smiled. That was so amazing. We enjoyed family conversation and Miss K was telling us about her day and had to be reminded a few times to eat her dinner. Silencing the outside noise was beautiful. I was reminded of my blessings that evening and God spoke to me.
That will not be the only night of no television during dinner. I suggested recording those shows we usually watch during dinner but the hubs said "no. we watch enough as it is. It's more enjoyable listening to the kids and what they have to say." God is reconnecting us during dinner and it's only the tip of the ice burg.

Do you think that you could give up something that is noise in your day to day life to reconnect and listen to God? You never know, you probably won't miss it.




Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10

You know it's Friday when...

I must be feeling spunky this morning. I'm doing it again! I'm double dipping! I really must need a double of something to keep me on my toes today. Late night shopping at Wal mart is not a good thing when you have to get up at 5:30am.


For my first scoop, Five Question Friday hosted by Mama M at My Little Life :Five Crooked Halos.



1. Do you sing out loud in the car while you're driving?
Like a duck to water! I love to sing in the car, the louder the better. Which requires me to turn up the volume and jam out! Until Little E says "mommyyy, turn it down I can't hear".

2. What would you be never caught doing?
Bungee-jumping. I could never trust that the equipment is safe enough and that the guy strapping me in is qualified enough to make sure I'm okay. Enough said.

3. Will you go #2 in a public restroom?
Guilty. My husband picks on me all the time about this. It's like an ongoing joke between us, because I always have to use the bathroom when we go anywhere. I'm not ashamed, nope.

4. Have you ever broken a bone?
Nope, thankfully.

5. Do you prefer cooking or baking?
That is a hard one. I'm going to say baking because I bake for fun, because I enjoy it. My family loves my homemade sweets. Cooking is required and seems like a chore sometimes.


My second scoop........thanks to half past kissin time Friday Fragments #88


**Just when you think that you're ahead and you bought all your Easter goodies on sale last year, check your stuff. You can't give a boy a pink and rainbow colored rabbit and then blame it on the Easter Bunny.

**Did you know that you should be wearing blue toady for National Autism Awareness Day?

**Working out just isn't working out. I realize that muscle weighs more than fat but tell my brain that when I step on the scale. I don't like the extra 3 lbs that it's showing me.

**Opened the Easter decorations tote this morning. Little E was so excited. I had to pack an Easter egg stowaway in his pocket.

**I hope the cat doesn't discover the easter grass on the floor. No time to pick it up.


** FREE lovebird to good home. Proven female lays eggs. Not friendly, she will bite. No questions asked.

** Counting the minutes until my little girl walks through the door.

Wednesday- No Holds Barred

You know how liberating it is to double dip, right? Its like when you're eating nachos dipped in melted velveeta cheese with salsa and you take the first bite and then you dip half your chip again. And no one says anything. Well this Wednesday I am doubling dipping and doing TWO memes! I'm linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say with her Pour Your Heart Out, which is my first time on this meme so be gentle. Then for my first time I will be linking up to Chief at Hiding From The Kids with her What I Meant To Say.

It's been said that you should have no regrets. I know that having regrets makes it look like I don't appreciate what I have now. Because if I hadn't made the choices that I made in the past the present time as I know it, wouldn't exist. I still regret one major thing. I should have finished college and not wasted the time worrying about my boyfriend. I was a freshman in college in the Fall of 1994 and I was attending UCF. I thought I was sooo big time because most of my friends were going to the Community College to get their Associate's Degree to then head on to a university. I was going straight to the big U.
Mistake #1. I should have moved to the campus and stopped living in my hometown. I would have buckled down and had no choice but to attend classes. But I lived at home, worked part time at the grocery store, attended classes full time at the college and had my boyfriend.
Mistake #2. Skipping classes to visit my boyfriend. Those professors didn't call your mom when you missed class. So I would go to class randomly and try to learn and make the grades. That didn't work too well.
Mistake #3 Failing all my classes and the university kicked me out after 2 semesters. I had no idea they could do that but they did. the worst part of all of going and not getting anything from it, the student loans. I took out loans to attend those classes and had to pay it back. I paid back alot of school loans and had NOTHING to show for it.
It's embarrassing.
I know if I had stayed in college and finished, my boyfriend ( who is now my husband) and I would have not stayed together. I really don't think we would have. My life would be completely different. Better? Worse? Who knows. I know God allows us to make choices and that he tries to guide our paths. I hoping that I'm following the path now. I'm going to make good on my past mistake and I'm making a promise to myself. I WILL GO BACK. I will get my degree and I will quit working for my parents.


At work yesterday my mom, my dad and I were discussing my ailing grandmother and her current living situation. The conversation moved to when they and my husband's parents get that age and who would be expected to take care of them. I am not a fan of having any parent come and live with me and voiced my concern about my husband's family.

My dad says "they're not going to come and live with you, your house is too small".

I said, "what? You really think I'm going to be living in THAT house still?"

What I would have liked to say "What a rude comment! Why would you think so lowly of me? You really think that I'm going no where in life? Is that it? Yeah well you better think twice about that because I'm not working for you forever. You won't have your thumb keeping me down for life. Take that!"

PS. I write this as I am supposed to be working. That is what he gets.

Six Word Saturday

Small blessings, life's biggest encompassed treasures.

2012-Realization

I finally watched the movie 2012. How many of you have seen it? I'm sure several of you got to theater to watch it. I don't get to the theater much. You know. I've got two kids.. no time.. no money for a sitter and and extra 40 bucks to blow at the movies.
Anyways. I'm not sure why it is or was a controversial movie. It's some one's idea of the end of the world. The apocalypse. Sooo. If you're really worried, read the Bible. Read Revelations if you want to know what's going to happen. I've studied it. But that's not the point of this post.

It is a movie. It was a pretty good move actually. I enjoyed the heart wrenching parts of the movie. Sure I enjoyed the action but what keeps me in the moment is the people and their relationships. The main character Jackson, played by John Cusack is a divorced writer who takes his two kids to Yellowstone National Park. This is the start of his realization that things he wrote about in his book are starting to happen.
Anyways. Back to my point of this.
So farther into the movie Jackson has his ex-wife Kate, their two kids and her fiance Gordon and they're on their way to getting on one of the "ships" built by the government. Jackson didn't like her fiance but his son Noah has really looked up to him while Jackson has been on hiatus. It clicked for me. This was one of "those" moments. It really spoke to my heart.
I don't believe in divorce. It is something that I would try to avoid at all costs. But I realized that maybe it's not all that horrible. Not all the time. I'm not saying it would be something for me but I think sometimes it makes greater and better families. It's all about relationships.
Here is this guy Gordon who adds a dynamic to these childrens lives. Their father was out of the picture dealing with his own issues and their mother has met this great guy. He treats the kids like his own children. Having kids is something he always wanted. What better to have two kids that like you back that are not biologically yours? I know that lots of blended families don't work that way. My husband's family is broken. One key reason I don't look at divorce as an option. I see what it put him through. It emotionally scars people. Even more so when the new parent ostracizes you.
But I am trying to have a positive outlook on things we cannot control. What works for you may not work for me but it's ok. When the relationships work it shouldn't matter. The more the merrier. Whatever works.