Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I want to be me


I woke up feeling like the world was closing in on me. I blame it partly on the fact that I stopped taking my anti depressants a few weeks ago. It's been tough and I had my first appointment a week and half ago with my psychologist. I am looking forward to my next appointment on April 1st. I have been using the "exercises" she suggested to calm myself but it's been hard. I have been suppressing my feelings again and I am finding it harder to find some one to talk to in the meantime.
Only a handful of my friends outside of the blog know my situation and I have only been able to talk to one of them lately. So it makes it hard to be able to get it off my chest. I hate feeling inadequate. I have struggled with self acceptance for years and I am my worst enemy.
I don't like to hide who I am to other people, because if I knew that they would accept me as who I really am, then I would show them the real me.
But I don't think they could handle the real me. I a neurotic person with an Obsessive Compulsive Personality who likes to control every situation. I am a pessimist. I always see life without rainbows and sunshiny faces. I will find the bad in most situations and who wants to hear that? I am just being practical. I would rather set myself up for the worst to happen and if it doesn't then I wasn't let down. Does that make sense?
I want to be liked. I am a good person who knows how to love. Just because I am not a cookie cutter personality does not make me bad. We're all different. Why can't any one understand that? We're supposed to love each other.
I feel like I have to try harder than most to keep relationships with girl friends. If I could just be who I am.....

7 comments:

The Bipolar Diva said...

I can totally relate. I'm sorry.

We 2 Bees said...

I'm so sorry sweetie! I love you just the way you are! And you can call me! I totally can relate!

purseblogger said...

Tiff, I love you. You are a great woman and friend. Never forget that. I hope you know I am always here for you. xoxo

Beth Zimmerman said...

Ah Sweet Girl,
I relate to this post better than I wish I did. (Does that make any sense?) I've never managed to maintain long term friendships and I wonder if it's because I'm too much work or is it that I fend people off? I don't know know but I do know that longing for a close female friend who loves me for me. I hope you can find that and find comfort in that!

WeeMasonMan's Mom said...

Sending lots of good thoughts that you're feeling a bit better about things soon!

Stepping On Cheerios said...

Well I wish you were my friend IRL. We all seem to be blogging about similar issues tonight. We sound a lot a like:)

Shell said...

Oh girl, I hope that you can just be who you are.