Thursday, March 31, 2011

Somewhere Marvelous

I'm taking a break from my regularly scheduled, err well mostly regular scheduled Thursday post, this week. Because today you will find me guest posting for my fellow bloggy friend Marvelous Mommy! She just had a new baby girl a few days ago and is spending some time adjusting and snuggling her new bundle. So go on over and give her some love today or every day and check it out.

Marvelous Mommy

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

RememRED:Being Five Again

"Good afternoon to you, good afternoon to you, we're all in our places with bright shiny faces, good afternoon to you Mrs. Harkenreider"! How I can still remember this song I used to sing almost 30 years ago is beyond me. I have such fond memories from my first year of school in Kindergarten. It was the last year they did half day for Kindergarten and I went to school in the afternoons. I spent every school day with my mom in the mornings, ate lunch before school and rode a big yellow s hooligan bus.

The first day was pretty tragic, I ran down the isle of the bus trying to watch my mom stand there as the bus pulled away and found myself in tears because she didn't seed me waving her goodbye. I think that was the only time I cried.
I carried a yellow daffy duck shoulder bag everyday to class. I remember when my mom brought it home for me. I was nervous and was shy about taking it from her. I still remember being careful to not lose it, not as careful about leaving my jacket or sweater on the bus several times throughout the year. I made sure I clutched that bag like my life depended on it.

I will forever remember being in my first play. It was the alphabet and I was Tall T. I thought I got the letter T because of my name starting with a T but I think it was the luck of the draw. I got to wear tights, a leotard and a cardboard cut out T that was painted with shiny silver paint. I was so proud! My mother still has Polaroid photos of this day. The smile on my face is priceless.

I had my first crush on a red headed freckle faced boy named Billy. I used to bring him pennies to school. Don't ask me why, I have no clue. My mother still remembers that boy too. She came on a field trip with my class to Publix grocery store and I held his hand the whole time. It was puppy love.

Ah the days of carefree life. School had no worries. It was full of crafts, playing musical chairs, making home made doughnuts, recess, learning to write your name and being able to survive the next year in first grade. Such fond memories from my past.

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Great Outdoors

campfire Pictures, Images and Photos

After our camping/hunting trip in November had gone so well and the kids had an amazing time, we knew that we would take the kids again in the Spring. We planned a few months ago to go the last weekend in March and our friends would join us. It almost didn't happen. Thursday night I find out my best friend's husband had a job interview come up unexpectedly and a few other arrangements had not been made for them to go along.

I was bummed. I figured that we could make other arrangements and go on a weekend excursion somewhere else. Friday morning I changed my mind. The hubs had taken Friday off and why waste a personal leave day to sit around the house? We got online and searched the campgrounds, thinking we would change locations and go to a different one than planned. Camping almost didn't happen, thanks to a Parks and Leisure Camping organization.

News flash!, you have to make a 24 hour advance reservation for a campsite. Since this was our first time camping outside of a hunt camp we had no idea. Thankfully the nice lady at Salt Springs Recreation Campground took our same day reservation via phone and we avoided this new policy run by the State.

We hit the road into the Ocala National Forest to enjoy the nature, swimming in the springs and disconnecting from the world. (cell service was non existent for me and the hubs occasionally had one bar) It was such a treat to have running water, more than one bathroom stall, public showers, a wash station to wash your dishes with hot water( that you don't boil yourself) and purchasable wood at the ranger station.

The first afternoon we set up camp while the kids entertained themselves. Miss K and Little E spent most of the afternoon playing with inch worms they discovered on the trees. Those little worms sent my kids into full belly laughs from tickling their arms and legs when they "inched" along.

By nightfall we were attacked by mosquitoes that could carry a horse away and fought them off with OFF repellent and mosquito coils. Of course, even the best efforts did not keep them "blood suckers" from attacking Little E. He now adorns about 20 insect bites from head to toe. Poor little guy. There can be one mosquito in the house and they will only bite him.

The next morning came earlier than I thought, especially since the kids were up late. Cooking and cleaning up breakfast while camping takes so long that by the time you walk to the swimming hole and swim for an hour or so, everyone is already hungry again. You ever notice that? We were watched by a filthy looking turkey vulture while we ate our sandwiches under the oak trees. I thought they only ate roadkill.

We made better time on planning dinner the second night and got started earlier. By the second night you get a routine and know how long you need to eat in a reasonable time. We wanted to roast marshmallows by the camp fire on our last night so dinner needed to be quicker. It was so funny to watch Little E intentionally burn his marshmallows and laugh. He was the cutest thing. What was more funny that he stepped in some of the sticky goo he flung on the ground and then wanted me to carry him to the showers to wash his foot.

On Sunday, our last day, we finally had the routine down to a science and actually couldn't wait to get home. Leaving the outdoors was bittersweet. I couldn't wait to get home and shower to remove dirt from every crevice of my body but I would miss the simplicity of life outdoors. No worries about how dirty the kids got, there is no carpet to worry about vacuuming. We packed up and as the tent came down it seemed so surreal. Some fabric and carbon fiber tent poles were our home for 2 1/2days, not much really.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night when I thought I really missed my bed. I missed hearing the sound of crickets and crackling camp fires. We're already planning the next trip. It was a great family outing despite it not going as planned.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I want to be me

I woke up feeling like the world was closing in on me. I blame it partly on the fact that I stopped taking my anti depressants a few weeks ago. It's been tough and I had my first appointment a week and half ago with my psychologist. I am looking forward to my next appointment on April 1st. I have been using the "exercises" she suggested to calm myself but it's been hard. I have been suppressing my feelings again and I am finding it harder to find some one to talk to in the meantime.
Only a handful of my friends outside of the blog know my situation and I have only been able to talk to one of them lately. So it makes it hard to be able to get it off my chest. I hate feeling inadequate. I have struggled with self acceptance for years and I am my worst enemy.
I don't like to hide who I am to other people, because if I knew that they would accept me as who I really am, then I would show them the real me.
But I don't think they could handle the real me. I a neurotic person with an Obsessive Compulsive Personality who likes to control every situation. I am a pessimist. I always see life without rainbows and sunshiny faces. I will find the bad in most situations and who wants to hear that? I am just being practical. I would rather set myself up for the worst to happen and if it doesn't then I wasn't let down. Does that make sense?
I want to be liked. I am a good person who knows how to love. Just because I am not a cookie cutter personality does not make me bad. We're all different. Why can't any one understand that? We're supposed to love each other.
I feel like I have to try harder than most to keep relationships with girl friends. If I could just be who I am.....

PYHO: Spoiled Milk

It was supposed to be a visit for a celebration. It was planned and organized to make her feel comfortable since she can no longer get out of bed to go celebrate with us. It was her 88th birthday and her son, his children and grandchildren were making the hour or so drive to visit her. But we all walked away with mixed feelings. It didn't go as planned, as if anything involving the family ever does?

I had to give my husband a pre trip pep talk. He doesn't enjoy going into my grandmother's house for several reasons. One, it's about the size of a matchbox and it's crowded with collectibles, furniture and a few animals. Over the years, the pets she has given a home to have come and gone but they have left their smell behind. Since my grandmother cannot get out of her bed, the cleanliness of the house has gone down hill. My aunt who still lives with her does not care to keep a tidy house and fights about being told she should do better.

My mentally handicapped aunt is another reason my husband and father do not enjoy going to visit. She argues with my grandmother, gets loud and makes everyone uncomfortable. After a half hour of being in her small house, with ten extra people the tensions rise and my dad gets agitated. My dad starts to show his a** and it only gets worse.

This trip was no different than any other, so why did I think that planning to eat her birthday meal with her instead of going out and bringing her food back would be any better? Everyone arrived at different times to give grandma time to spend and take with each of us. I made a special point to talk with her and listen. I usually do, since I think I'm the only one besides my own children, who enjoy being naive about the situation and just want to be my grandmother's grand daughter.

It wasn't too long into the afternoon and we were cooking dinner, peeling potatoes and my aunt realized we were not going out to dinner. She started complaining about being sick, something she apparently does when she is not getting her way. Halfway through dinner and my grandmother makes a phone call to call her young friend, that she calls her "family" to come over. She wants her to meet us.

I had no idea this was going on until I came back into the house from being outside. My aunt says "Tiffany, here's a little baby for you. You said you wanted a little baby.". I wasn't quite sure what the hell she was talking about. Here was standing this young woman about 22 years old holding her little baby girl and she says hi. It was very uncomfortable. Who was this woman?

It pissed my dad off. He was mad that his mother had to call this woman to come over while her real family was in town and then dote all over her baby. Right in front of us. My mother was irritated that my grandma called this woman her family in front of us. Really? My husband was mad because here was his children, her great grandchildren to visit her and she payed little attention to them. What is wrong with family???

My mother complained that no one spent anytime with grandma. Really??? How could we when this girl she invited over, didn't even have the decency to move herself out of MY grandmother's room when we came into her room singing "happy birthday" while presenting a cake. She sat right by her bedside like she was family. It was beyond uncomfortable.

We couldn't wait to go home. It's sad to feel that way but when you're not important in some one's life why try? I guess she feels the same way.
We don't visit often enough. It's what we get for staying away too long. It's what she gets for refusing to move closer to family so we can take care of her. She is replacing us. It's sad. It makes me mad. She is my last living grandmother and some one is trying to take my place. It's not right.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


I stared at the computer screen, dumbfounded at what I was reading. The harsh words cutting at my heart. What did I do to receive this anger? I was crying.
This was the first time I had been pulled into one of my oldest brother's tirades against my parents. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my own mother had blamed me for her mistake. She was attacked in the same email that was sent to myself, my mom and my dad and played the shocked card. My father who has quite a temper himself, blew it off calling my brother an a**hole.
Instead of begging or blaming anyone I wrote him back a nasty response to his email. That afternoon I received a hurtful response and I decided that I was done with him and his family. I was confused and had enough emotions going on that he had no idea about anyways. Sadly, my parents fed me their thoughts on the situation which didn't make it any better. My dad, who I am more like emotionally, continued to tell me that I should not apologize before my brother did.

Months passed by and my parents had made amends with my brother but I held my ground. I was not going to give in to such behavior without an apology from him first. To make my heart ache more, I was expecting my second child and was not able to share the joy with my brother and his family. I was too proud to let him get away with treating me so badly even to share my good news with them even of it hurt me.
My baby shower passed without having my sister in law and niece attend because I was not ready to speak to them. Little E was born and I finally broke down and called my brother. He knew that my son had been born but I wanted to share my joy with his family personally. I knew that I had not made a mistake to cause his anger but I was going to forgive him anyways. Family is very important to me and I was willing to take the first step to bring ours back together.

Forgiving him for the venomous words he said that day was one of the best things I did.

This post was written for the Red Dress Club Tuesday prompt. This week's prompt is about forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving yourself. Write about a time of forgiveness.

Friday, March 18, 2011


So.... usually I'm excited about Friday, I get all giddy and can't wait for the weekend. But today, actually right now it's already 2 am and I'm sitting up reading blogs, checking email and writing my posts. My husband has been out of town visiting family and it's driving me crazy. Taking care of the home front, caring for the kids, going into work and planning fun stuff for Spring Break has exhausted me. I overslept Thursday morning by almost two, TWO hours!
I genuinely miss my husband.

So to keep my mind busy and to continue with what I enjoy, a little bit of 5QF is in order.

1. Have you ever testified in court? For what? Nope. That is so weird, but I have never been to court for anything of the sort. Not even traffic court.

2. Do you still have your wedding dress? Sure do. I'm actually embarrassed to think about or even admit where I currently have it. This is my 10th year of being married, this October. I think about six months after being married I shoved the dress, in it's white zipper bag into a storage trunk. I put a masterlock on it and I had, yes had the key. I used to have it. I kept the trunk stored in Miss K's closet after moving into the house we live in now and about a year or so ago I moved it to my closet. I went looking for the key to open it and can't find it.
Now it's going to involve bolt cutters.. or maybe a blow torch.. That lock has to be removed. One day.

3. Is there a special place you like to go when you're happy, sad, stressed, etc.? I don't really have a "special place" persay. When I need to get away, I go for a walk alone. I've found the quiet time is soothing and lets me collect myself. That is if I'm stressed. Otherwise, I like to escape with music. I put on my soundtrack on my iPod and "jam out" as my husband would say. I like to escape into the music.

4. If you have kids, do they sleep with you? If you don't have kids...will you let your kids sleep with you when/if you have them?

They do not sleep with us. Since this Wednesday when the hubs went out of town Miss K has been sleeping with me, but Little E prefers to sleep in his own bed. Fine with me.
I tried letting Miss K sleep with us when she was about a year old, only when she would wake in the night and wouldn't settle back down. BIG MISTAKE. She would kick us, shove us and eventually get up out of our bed and wander around our bedroom. I put a kabosh on that quickly. No kids sleeping in our bed around here unless they are a newborn/infant who is nursing.

5. Do you watch late night TV?
Occasionally I watch The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. But I usually just stay up late to catch up on shows I have on my DVR. I try to watch my television when the kids are sleeping.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

PYHO: Stop that Plane

Thank you Shell at Thing's I Can't Say
for keeping this blog meme going strong.

I should know better than to do something without thinking it through. But I let my soft side get the better of me and made a decision thinking of some one else. I decided a few months ago to suggest a short trip to New England for my husband. I thought it would be nice to have him go visit his grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousins for a few days and enjoy his parents birth state. He couldn't believe that I would even suggest it and he questioned me making sure I meant it.

I really did mean it. Then.

I should have done my research and checked ALL the calendars because I missed the school one. The week, this week in fact is the one he flies out; is the same week that Miss K is on Spring Break. Big fat bummer. When I realized it, it was too late because all the arrangements had been made, his plane ticket had been purchased and his cousin from California had already planned the same weekend to go too.

I feel bad but I have done nothing but whine and complain about it. I know it's bad to make him feel guilty for being excited to get away but I wish I had not suggested this trip. I was handling it quite well up until a few days ago when he told me his father was now going. The same man who was not going to go and now at the last minute is going.

I cannot explain the raw emotion I have about his father, my father in law. But for some reason, him going on this trip,only because my husband is going, irritates me. I KNOW with my heart and soul that he is ONLY going because his son is going. Maybe I'm jealous.

So what.

I, as his wife will always be his first priority. So much so that when his dad suggested that he stay the night at his house tonight, Tuesday so they could ride to the airport together, my husband declined the offer. He chose to stay home on the last night before flying out.

He (his dad) can have his 4 days alone with my husband. But it starts Wednesday morning.

I know that I should have some respect for my elders and I do. But I deserve respect as my husband's wife and parent's should learn that when their child marries that they are forsaken. The vows of husband and wife trump parent ties.

I've gone off just a bit on this tirade, especially since I was upset about this trip. I know I'm most upset about the circumstances that have happened since it was planned. I'm missing my husband already and he hasn't even left yet.
A least the kids are one Spring Break this week, it's going to keep me quite busy while their daddy is away. We're heading to the beach tomorrow to enjoy some sun and fun with their grandma. The days will fly by and before I know it, my husband will be back home.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Enjoying the Daylight

Afternoon Sun Pictures, Images and Photos

I was some what looking forward to "Springing Forward" this weekend because I really enjoy how much more daylight you get each day. I don't look forward to how it affects sleep schedules, naps and dinner times. But the upside for the first day, was before dinner tonight, we took the kids for an early evening walk around the neighborhood.
Miss K and Little E rode their bikes, while the hubs and I walked along pushing them when they would get stuck in a soft patch of dirt. Even our dog Bella joined us and enjoyed the exercise and smells along the way. It was a gorgeous spring day and what a better way to enjoy the sunshine.
I forgot to take photos of the kids on their bikes and I even had the cell phone with me, but it would have been pretty tough with the dog yanking on her leash, which she did the entire walk.
Unfortunately, dinner was later because NO ONE was hungry even though the clock said 7:30, our stomachs said otherwise. The kids went to bed only 20 minutes late but it took them an hour to fall asleep.
UGH. It's going to be a LONG week. Thankfully it's Spring Break in our county and we have time to adjust. As long as I don't slack off and sleep in on my days off.
What did you do today to use the extended daylight outside?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Writer's Workshop-There you Are

There you are in the early light of day
There you are in the quiet words I pray
I've been blessed by the simple happiness
Of the perfect love we've made

Every time I turn around
When I'm lost and when I'm found
Like an angel standing guard
There you are

Every time I take a breath and when I forget to breathe
You're watching over me there you are
When I'm looking for the light in the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are

There you are standing in a crowded room
There you are the earth and I'm the moon
My desire is to stand by the fire
That burns inside of you

Every time I turn around
When I'm lost and when I'm found
Like an angel standing guard
There you are

Every time I take a breath and when I forget to breathe
You're watching over me there you are
When I'm looking for the light in the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are

When i'm looking for the light in the middle of the night
Searching for the brightest star
There you are

There you are
There you are

There You Are by Martina McBride
I'm linking up with Mama Kat this week and I chose prompt 5, a song with significance. I chose my wedding song, because it brings back so many memories to me. This year I will have been married to my significant other for 10 years! Thank you hubs for being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: My child?

I went in for an impromptu conference with Miss K's school principal today. It went better than I had hoped it would and I'm looking forward to seeing if she can get me some answers. It goes with the territory, no one else is going to fight for your child but you.

Yesterday I walked up to the school parent pick up and Miss K walks up to me with a sullen look on her face. I know that look.
"What happened" , I ask her. "It's.... bad, mom", she says to me.
"How bad?" I question, hoping she didn't do something outright horrible.
" I got a, mom."
"Why? What did you do? Who were you talking to today?" , I press for information.
"Nobody mom. I was reading a book during reading time and Camren came over." Uh, I knew it, Camren. The child that will not go away.
"And did you tell him to leave you alone?" I questioned.
"I ignored him mom, I kept trying to read my book." she tells me, still looking very upset.
"So why did you get a red for behavior, K??" , I ask again. "Because Eric, the classroom monitor said I was talking and he moved my color down."

This is where I get mad. Why is another child in the classroom deciding her behavior? Where was the teacher?

I found Miss K's teacher at the parent pickup loop directing traffic and approached her. I asked her why did K get a red behavior report. Get this.

She doesn't know why. REALLY?? I explained and repeated what Miss K told me happened and she had no answers for me. She told me that she was out of the classroom and her co teacher was in there. I couldn't believe that a teacher wouldn't know why a child had a bad behavior report and would still send that report home for their parent to sign. I expressed my concern about this lack of information and wasn't satisfied with the answers she was giving me.

So after leaving the school I called my best friend who used to teach in the public school system. She told me that another student can be a classroom monitor but he/she MAY NOT decide their behavior color by their own choosing. I pretty much knew that and wanted to make sure I was right.

I hung up the phone and called the school. The principal was in a meeting so I spoke with her secretary. By now, I would say the secretary knows me by my voice. I have been quite an outspoken advocate for my daughter since she started going to school there three years ago. Patti asked me the reason for my call and I expressed my urgency in resolving this issue. She took my cell phone number in anticipation that the principal would call me last night.

Unfortunately she never called me. I don't "let sleeping dogs lie" and went to the school office first thing this morning. It definitely pays to be on the School Advisory Council and a school volunteer because I walked right in and was told I could find Patti ( the secretary) in her office. After telling her that I never got a phone call last night she immediately tried to schedule me an appointment for this morning, but the principal was going to be in evaluations all day. So Patti went to find the principal for me right then.

I got to have my parent/principal conference right then. I told her everything that had transpired between myself and the teacher, what Miss K told me and my concerns about another student being in charge instead of the teacher. She was concerned and about this issue. I know that my child is not perfect, but I know when she is telling the truth and not trying to get out of being in trouble.
I also got my opportunity to talk about next year and classroom placement without Camren in her class. He and Miss K must be separated. It is vital to her excelling in the classroom. He is quite the distraction. I am looking forward to what happens for the rest of the year. Only nine weeks left of school.

UPDATE: While picking up Miss K from school today her teacher approached me and told me that per my note request in Miss K's folder that it has been taken care of. Miss K got a blue today. (Blue is the top of the behavior chart. Which is where she has been 90% of the last semester.) The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

What I would do for you

I love my kids more than most anything in the world. The moment that they were placed upon my breast after they entered this world, an undeniable bond was formed.

In my heart I knew that I would do anything for them that was humanly possible to protect them, love them and care for them. It was a secret, silent mother's promise to them that I made in my heart.

I found this poem that I wanted to share and one day I hope to share with them.

What I Would Do For You
© Jayne Sena
I would do just about anything you'd ask,
For you there's nothing I wouldn't do, there's no such task.

I would walk without my shoes to the end of the Earth,
I would give up anything I had to, to teach you self worth.

I would hold your hand every minute of every day,
But I won't because I know you need to find your own way.

I would surely bear the heartache of your first love that's real,
Even though I can't, I will naturally feel as you feel.

I would sell my soul if it would keep you happy forever,
I would give my right arm to keep us forever together.

I would run a hundred miles up-hill in the rain,
Just to guarantee that you will never feel pain.

I would laugh with you even if I was sad,
I will give you a smile even if I'm mad.

I can only accept your mistakes with a grin on my face,
I will guide you in correcting them, but at your own pace.

I will guide you through life, as this world can get quite wild,
Just don't you ever forget that you will always be my child.

Source: What I Would Do For You!, Mother Poems


Writer's Workshop-Inspire

4.) What inspired you this week?

a~my two beautiful blessings

The desire to change my attitude and outlook on life is different. I decided that I didn't want to be dependent on medicine anymore, for many reasons. Not just because the side effects have been a pain in the rear or almost worse than what good they are doing for me, but because I am tired of feeling like I'm in a cloud sitting with a happy face on. I couldn't wait for my three month check up to come fast enough so I weaned myself off one of the anti-depressants myself.
My doctor visit was this morning and the visit went like it always has and then I dropped the bomb on my doc. I told him I wanted to stop the meds. He wasn't shocked like I was worried that would happen. He was very reassuring and glad that my self removal of one went well and I was handling the stress fine. He said it would be very easy to stop taking the other and it about twelve days I will be medicine free.
I know that being without the medicine, some of my issues can and possibly will resurface and I am seeking a counselor to work through my issues. I'm not scared and extremely excited about this new step in a new direction of controlling my life.
I want to be the new me that I seek. The person who can handle stressful situations with a level head and not blow things out of proportion. I want to be able to enjoy the things in life and learn to control my OCP ( Obsessive Controling Personality) and channel that obsessive in a more positive way. I am tired of suppressing that part of me. It is who I am. I am not expecting a miracle and this will not come over night but I'm headed in the right direction. I know that God is on my side and I have faith that he is leading me there.

This post was inspired by Mama Kat's Weekly Writer's Workshop.

Mama’s Losin’ It

I also decided that this was something I wanted to Pour my Heart Out about, since I shared my doubts about being on meds back on a previous PYHO. Thank you to all of you who were understanding and sincere about my choice.