Before writing this post I went into my archives to link to a previous post about this. But the only one I found was one I never published. It was written back on 02-08-11. So before writing what is on my heart and mind, I want you to see where my mind is.
I have been praying that God will soften my husband's heart about having another child. Last year it was discussed and I actually made an appointment to my OB/GYN to have my birth control removed. But just two days before I was to go, I canceled the appointment. Then my marriage took a turn for the worst and if you've been reading my blog for some time you know what I'm talking about. God was watching out for me and thankfully I listened and didn't go ahead with it. The timing wasn't right and who knows what the outcome could have been. After soul searching and repairing our marriage, changing churches and finding God again in my new church I put aside the thoughts of having another child. My family and marriage were more important that fulfilling my deep personal desire to have a larger family. So just a month ago I spoke to my husband about having number three again. It went better than I thought, at least he didn't flat out say no. Small subtle hints and praying daily and weekly to God has been the only thing quenching my soul. Until recently. If I didn't know any better, I would say that I was pregnant. But unless my birth control failed it's not possible. I know my body and I'm having symptoms that make me think that I could be. Nauseous, moody and my medicine is all wacko. I called my Family Care doctor and made an appointment because if we do want to to start trying I need to adjust my medicine to make my body safer for it. If I have my sure tell sign ( nosebleeds) that I am pregnant. I would say that it is God's will, because only he can make things like that happen despite the fact that I am trying to prevent being pregnant at this time. I know that my husband would not be upset because he getting softer about the idea. My prayers may have been answered. Only time will tell.
So recently I've been thinking about having another baby. It's actually been on my mind for quite some time. After Little E turned three I really started thinking about it. A few times I was supposed to go and have my IUD removed and then I canceled the appointment. My husband got cold feet and my marriage is more important that adding to our family.
Then we got a possible pregnancy scare, despite having birth control in place. I couldn't find my IUD string. If you have one, you know what I'm talking about and you're supposed to check for it monthly. I'm such a scatter brain and I can't remember the last time I checked for it. I was pretty scared and my husband was like, "oh my god, you could be pregnant". I had been having crazy menstrual periods for two months, even twice in one month.
If you can't be sure that your IUD is in place, then you should be using a secondary back up type of birth control. Well when you don't know how long it's been that way, then it's hard to say what might have happened.
I made an appointment for the next day to the OB/GYN. My husband and I discussed the possibility of removing it this time. I figured that when I saw the doctor that she would find it and I would have her remove it and we would be trying for another little one. Well, she couldn't find it either. After trying three different methods of locating it, I was going to have to get an ultrasound. I was really worried now.
What if I'm pregnant with an IUD in there? What do I do?
The doctor didn't seem that concerned and I think because I had a period on the 8th of this month. I explained to her that it was only one day and that is not normal for me. Basing that I had quite a bit of bleeding in the first trimester of Little E's pregnancy, anything was possible.
I've prayed to God. I've asked that if I'm wrong about my desires that he give me an answer, a sign that I should just stop my thoughts. For him to squelch my dreams.
Then I thought maybe this was his answer. That I should go ahead and remove it. That this was his way of getting me there. That this was the push and in my own free will I was to take the plunge.
I got the ultrasound and everything is as it should be. Just an IUD where it's supposed to be. No baby. I was happy and sad all at the same time. It was a bittersweet moment. I did not make another appointment to remove it. I don't know why.
I guess I thought that if it was devine intervention and I did get pregnant with an IUD, that it was not my plan. That it was God's plan.
So here we are and I'm having another period. I'm thinking it's a second chance. I was having second thoughts about not removing it because my husband and I decided to go ahead. I actually got cold feet this time, not my husband.