Wednesday, April 25, 2012

PYHO: Can I give up Now?

It's not easy keeping my emotions in check. I am not the type of person who likes to hold my feelings inside and suppress them. I have had to, but the outcome after long periods of with holding my feelings isn't something you would want to witness. They come spewing out like hot lava. Really. It's not like when you shake the soda bottle and open the cap. That is merely too tame for how I can get.

That is the person I have tried to stop being, but this week is making it really hard. 

So this week, I'm feeling like a volcano ready to explode. It's building and building.

I've had many people ask me "how are you feeling?" Okay. It's been my usual answer. The "easy" answer.

"how are you holding up?" "Do you need anything?" " I'm checking on you". And I get the warm fuzzy feeling inside when these wonderful friends of mine ask me these questions. They are truly concerned for my well being. But I can't tell them how I really feel.

Because right now I'm feeling selfish. I WANT MY HUSBAND HOME!

I know they mean well, but they really don't want me to open the floodgates. because if I really told them exactly how I felt, I would be a sobbing mess. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm feeling sorry for myself and I want to be human and wallow in my sorrows for just a moment. I know I don't need my husband here to be able to that. But some one has to be here to take care of the kids.

Some one else besides me. And since their dad isn't here to do it, then I have to put on my Big Girl Panties and stand strong. Be in control. Take care of my children, the house and everything in between. 

I just don't want people thinking I'm heartless about not shedding a tear for my grandmother. I can't do it right now. 

This morning I did have a moment. The well sprung a leak. I missed two calls from my husband. And the third I was so anxious to grab it, I accidentally pressed "decline" on the phone. I lost it. The tears ran down my face. I was sobbing like a baby. Over a missed phone call. The little things are starting to break me down. I'm ready for this to be over. 

I have two more days. I'm hanging on by a thread and if you asked me, you'd never know. I'm strong. I will not admit defeat. But really, I just have. 


Kenya Johnson said...

Don't take offense to my sense of humor. Sarcasm is my middle name. If you want that cry that has been building to just come on out, drop a bag of flour on the kitchen floor - it will explode and so will you. Been there done that ;-)

Queen Bee said...

I AM SOOOO SORRY!!! You don't have to have it all together ya know. Get the kids and sit down and have a good cry, put on a sad movie if it will help. They will see you are human and it's okay. Some times the biggest lesson they can ever have is to see you at your lowest. I know, I've been there.  If you must keep it up ;-) Hang in there & have some chocolate - it makes it all better. J/K I know only hubby will make it all better.  I love ya and wish I could do something for you. 

Karen said...

I can absolutely relate to your pain.  I understand that feeling of being a volcano.  Please know that you are not alone, and you ARE strong.  Admitting defeat doesn't mean you have been beaten.  It simply means that you've had more than you can take.  I don't really have words to tell you how much I really do relate.  Just don't beat yourself up.

shellthings said...

Oh girl, it sounds like you need a break! xo 

Kim Hall said...

My heart goes out to you on the loss of your grandmother. I lost mine 3 years ago and I still miss her so.

My husband is away on a work assignment and has an apartment about an hour and a half away. While I can go visit or he can come home on weekends, I did not truly realize how much I leaned on him.  I hear you on getting through each day without your husband!

These days, as I grow in my faith, I believe that there are times when God gives me a gentle whack on the side of my head to remind me to be more grateful for what I have in my life. More importantly, though, he reminds me that in my weakness he makes me strong.

I pray for your strength in these difficult days.