Saturday, April 21, 2012

Day 1: I'm Lost Without You

Day 1 while my husband is away in Haiti. 

Sadly on Friday evening, the last night we had together before he needed to meet the mission team at the church, I got a phone that I never expected. My grandmother had died. I was in complete and utter shock after my Aunt had just passed the day after Easter. It has only been a week since we buried her. A turn of events happened and my mother called me back and said that grandma was alive. The staff at the nursing home called 911 and performed CPR and they had a pulse. She was en route to the ER. This all felt too surreal. Had we not just done this?? Why now when my husband is leaving for a week? 

So Friday evening when we would have been spending our last hours together, we spent it in the hospital watching my grandmother slip from us. She wasn't really there anymore. As much as I know about the body and spirit, I believe she wasn't there. Her body was still working for the moment, but her mind was gone. She was ready to join our Father in heaven. She was ready to join her daughter and husband among her other family members who had long since passed.

By the time my husband and I got home there was only and hour left to rest before he would need to shower and prepare to leave. Talk about a cat nap that was hard to come by while my thoughts were on my grandmother.

My husband and I exchanged kisses and I love you's at 3am and we parted ways. I really felt all alone at that moment I pulled from the church parking lot. I went home and struggled to go to sleep. My mind was elsewhere for many reasons. Losing my grandmother so quickly now after my aunt, missing my husband, worrying over the looming week ahead-alone.

At 3:45 am the phone rang. The house phone. My father called me with the news I was expecting but hoping would not come. Grandma was in heaven now. She was gone. She was the only grandma I knew, since my mother's mom passed away when I was very little. I knew this day would come, but I wasn't ready. Are we ever ready?

I tossed and turned and finally was able to get a little rest. At 6:51am my husband texted me and let me know that he was boarding his first of two flights to Haiti. I never went back to sleep. The kids would be up soon and I was the only one home to take care of them.

Today has been a long day to say the least. Many emotions have gone through me. I will not let myself become depressed. I was close today. I sat in my pj's until 3pm. I forced myself to eat lunch. I am keeping the routines at home for my children's sake. Normalcy. It keeps me going for now. I'm tired and hoping I will get some rest tonight. 

Thankfully my husband texted me tonight and let me know all was well. He is at the hotel in Haiti and he had a long trip there. He hopes to Facetime or Skype me tomorrow. I really hope he does.


Queen Bee said...

HUGS!!! I'm sooooo sorry sweetie! Life sucks at times, so thankful God gives us strength and helps us make it through the awful. Love you!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Good grief!  Y'all have been through the ringer.  I'm so very sorry. Sending lots of prayers.

CrazyKindofMom said...

I'm done with all this heartache, I tell you.  Thank you, I really need them. 

CrazyKindofMom said...

 Thank you. I really need a hug right now. Somehow I have found that strength, even in these times. Love you.