PYHO: Pour Me A Large Glass

All it takes is one wrong word or something to set the mood in a bad light or some one not doing what they should be doing. The stress sets in and the mood changes. Then something else happens and escalates the mood and before you know it you can cut the tension with a knife.

That is just one moment of what it was like before I broke down and went to to doctor. Ten months ago I decided that I couldn't stand treating my family with such anger and meanness.

I have had stress issues since my teen years and they had manifested into much more after marriage and children. But you try to ignore the problem and after an outburst you say it's the last time. But I can say it's like a drug. You say "this is the last time". And then it happens again. Something irritates you and you get mad and when it's all over you apologize. You say it won't happen again, you won't get mad but you're only fooling yourself.

Then it happens again. But it's meaner and nastier than the last time because mentally you got away with nasty last time so you push it more. The best way I can describe it is like seeing red. You get so upset that you don't realize how mad you are and anything can irritate you while you're in this rage.

I broke down in tears and called my doctor one morning after yelling at the kids. I gave into turning to medication because praying for strength and asking for forgiveness of my sins wasn't working anymore. It only took eight years to come to terms with the fact that I needed help that I couldn't find alone.

It has been the best thing that has happened to me. Not many people know I take medicine to stay calm. Because honestly, the people that don't know never saw THAT side of me. That part of who I was was not publicly shown. There's no reason to tell them about that part of me because I'm not proud of it.

I hope to one day wean off the medicine. My doctor says it possible. I know that it's not going to be anytime soon. A good example would be this weekend. I got food poisoning and missed a day and half worth of my medicine. My irritability creeped in on me today. The small things started bothering me. It's possible that it was a combination of tiredness, missed medicine, and being overwhelmed that contributed to my irritated mood.

For those people out there that are feeling lost, moody, overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, angry, tired... or any other contributing factor added with stress of raising children, keeping house, keeping a husband happy it's ok to admit defeat and seek help. Maybe you won't need medicine, maybe counseling with a therapist is what you need. Don't feel like a failure. Because for many years I felt like if I asked for help that I was admitting there was a problem and I didn't think there was.