Wednesday, January 4, 2012

PYHO: No One Said it Would Be Easy

For the first time in my life I am not upset or mad that a friend of mine made a choice that has affected me in a hurtful way. I think because I expected it to happen. I had hoped that it wouldn't. But you cannot control what other people are going to do.

For several months I have been dealing with issues in regards to secrets and truths about another friend, who I will name A. My other friend M, with whom I disappointed about, was best friends with A. M knew there was something bothering her husband about A's husband, but she was not aware of the secret until early November when her husband finally confronted A's husband about his cheating on his wife.

I knew A's husband was cheating. But how do you tell your friend that her husband is cheating? You don't. There is no easy or right way to do it. It always backfires when you tell some one else that their loved one is doing something wrong. And I've always been taught not to meddle.

M's husband had known for quite some time about the infidelity and A's husband had sworn him to secrecy about it and promised that he wouldn't cheat anymore. The problem: he had not stopped and was beginning to have a relationship with another woman. A's husband had decided enough was enough and was going to sever the friendship between the families. He felt that A's husband was a bad influence and didn't want his children around that.

M was devastated that her friendship was jeopardy. After the confrontation between the husbands, A called M. A was furious with her friend, she was in denial about her husband and she did not know who to believe. M tried talking to A and giving her advice, but A was not having anything to do with that.

Sadly, it created tension everywhere. My husband, who also knew of the infidelity, was confronted by A's husband just a day after the shoe was dropped. A's husband was trying to cover all his tracks and when he spoke with my husband  he said, " let's keep what you  know on the down low". My husband flat out refused to lie for him anymore. Which only forced the end to my friendship with A also.

I have been content without having A in my life anymore. My husband and I had already started distancing ourselves from them and the group of friends that we all hung out with. I have thought of her many times and prayed for her healing, since she chose to stay with her husband. Which is another post entirely.

But M is not content. She has not taken the separation well and I knew that she wouldn't. M and her husband have been coming to church with my husband and I regularly since the confrontation. There have been several sermons where it was as if the pastor knew what was going on. M and I would look at each other during service and we knew.

However, she has taken the messages differently than I have. Which can happen. So just the other day we were talking on the phone and she asked me about making plans to go see MJ in the end of January. Of course I was wanting to go too. Then she dropped the bomb. "Well A and her husband are going and they are getting a head count."  WHAT??

I couldn't believe that she was going with them and wanted to know if I wanted to go too? I am still in shock about it as I write this. I told her that I would not be hanging around that crowd and we got off the phone. That same day in the evening I wrote her through text. I flat out asked her if she and A were on good terms again.

I knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her. She said that they were kosher and that she forgave A, which I still don't understand. A should have been asking for forgiveness for turning her back on her friends. I can understand wanting to stay with your husband and working through the issues, getting marriage counseling. But don't turn your back on your friends.

I am not mad about M choosing to go back. Disappointed, yes. I had half hoped that it would have been longer so that M could see what it was like to have her own life. She has always been a shadow of A and tries to always be like her. I knew it was tough for her to not be wrapped up in A's life and I was so proud that she was making decisions for herself.

I will be a good friend and still be friends with M. But I will not associate with A anymore, not even for M. I am doing what is best for my family.

Galatians 2:20 Pictures, Images and Photos


Where is the ME in Mommy? said...

Oh this is a tough situation.  I love the idea of marriage re-unions and recommitments after infidelity--because I believe God can restore marriages--but I'm not sure that is happening here.  Since the A's know you know, you think this would be a great time for accountability and openness and a deepening of friendships.  Asking you to "sweep it under the rug" and "keep it on the down-low" does not seem to invite EITHER more accountability OR friendship intimacy.  

shellthings said...

You have to do what is best for you and your family. It's a tough situation when you feel put in the middle by friends.

Queen Bee said...

Not a fun situation to be in.  I agree you have to make sure that you are doing what is best for your family. You have to make decisions on who is the best people to spend time with, but wow it's tough in these kind of situations!  Hugs to you!

Two Bears Farm said...

Gosh what a tough situation.  Always do what's best for your own family though.  Hang in there.

Stacie Wiesenbaugh said...

So many of us find ourselves there.. you handle it with grace.  I'm over from PYHO.

Kristen said...

Oh my goodness, that is so sad. Not only did the affair mess up their relationship but it has caused a ripple in a few more. I know my 2 cents are worth much but I think you made the right decision.

crazykindofmom said...

It is a tough situation. I had hoped once his infidelity came out, things would be worked out, whether good or bad. Unfortunately not. She wants to continue to have the "perfect family" portrayal. I feel bad for giving up on them, but when some one doesn't want help what can I do.

crazykindofmom said...

It stinks when you get stuck in the middle. :( And then to not even be able to help.

crazykindofmom said...

Thanks. My friend M showed up to mid week church last night. It was different, she knows I am disappointed in her decision to just accept A back with open arms. I will continue to care about each of them but I will not let A's life affect my own anymore.

crazykindofmom said...

Thanks. Ultimately, that is what is most important.

crazykindofmom said...

Thank you for stopping in. :) I have been in tough situations with friends before, but nothing like this. Another life lesson.

crazykindofmom said...

There are so many to blame(for different things) and pointing fingers is not going to make it any better. One thing I can say, these are the same people who have always said " I can't stand drama." Yet thy always create it. I have washed my hands of the drama with them and I plan to move on.