PYHO:Fat Girl

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


We are our own worst critics. Some harder than others on themselves. I fall in the middle to high range and you'd never know it.

I hate my body. I have hated my body since seventh grade. I was born a robust baby at 11lbs 3 oz. I was an average to slender child until I reached the age 10 or 11. Then my body got large. I became that chubby girl. I blame it partly on being a lonely child. I would come home after school and munch on snacks. My mom had gone back to work when I was nine years old and she wasn't home in the afternoons. My brothers and I weren't allowed to leave the house or have friends over, so it was very lonely.I found comfort in food.

As the years progressed I ate more and my body size grew. I hated having those BMI tests taken in middle school, when that nutritionist came to the school and measured your fat on your back. All the other girls would discuss their numbers and I always lied. I was not about to tell them how fat I was. Dressing in the locker room for physical education was torment enough. I usually got to the locker room first to make sure I was alone while changing.

I hate looking back at photos of myself.

I used to be able to lose weight by cutting out soda, not eating pasta or bread and skipping breakfast. I could drop 5 pounds in one week. I lost quite a bit of weight before getting married but I look back at those photos from my wedding and yikes. I was still very heavy.

I got pregnant with Miss K. I wanted so badly to be pregnant, but I did not have the body to have that cute round pregnant belly. I felt fat. After having K I went on a strict diet, exercised and lost all the baby weight plus more. I was feeling good. Then slowly I started gaining the weight back. I lost weight again and got pregnant with Little E.

After having Little E I really put the pressure on myself. I was tired of being heavy. I tried to get strict with myself and completely cut out soda, snacks and cut down carbs. I joined a gym and was religiously working out at the gym. That lasted a year. I was feeling happy with myself but still didn't have that beach body I have always dreamed of.

Slowly the weight has creeped back up on me and I'm heavy again. I'm depressed about it. There are so many factors that account for my downfalls with weight.

I start feeling fat and my clothes are snug so I get determined about losing weight. I follow a good meal plan for about two weeks and when the results are not as fast as I'd like I get discouraged.
I LOVE to eat. That's a big downfall. I think, oh one more helping won't hurt me. Or, that bagel with egg and cheese will be okay, I'll eat less at lunch. Uh huh.
I need willpower. I need the willpower to hang on and be patient. The weight will come off. It gets harder the older you get to lose weight.

Knowing all these things, it still doesn't calm my mind about hating my fat body. I am constantly looking at my body in the mirror with or without clothes on. I try to dress to hide myself. It sucks. I wish I could get lipo suction, a tummy tuck and I'd feel so much better. One of my best friends just had the same thing that I've wanted done. She is three weeks into her recovery and wow, she looks great. Another reason I'm feeling more sad about my weight.

I'll never get there with just exercise and good nutrition.