Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Fear

Are you afraid of something so much that it makes your chest tighten? Do you have a genuinely, white-knuckling fear? I do. I think we all do. My fear is being alone in the dark. I am fine if it's just dark outside and some one is home with me. But when you combine nighttime and me being alone, I'm squeamish. I am shuddering with fear just thinking about it.
This post came to my mind last night while I was in the bathroom washing my face. I was getting ready for bed and my husband had fallen asleep before me. I would rather fall asleep before him so in my mind I would know he was the last to be alone.
I have been stressing about the thought of being alone because my husband is going on a hunting trip next month. Originally it was going to be day trips in the morning and he would be home each night. Plans changed and now he will be leaving on a Wednesday night and won't be back until Saturday night. 3 nights alone. I do not want to spoil his alone time, in the woods, with his family, enjoying some much needed "manly" time. So I have been biting my tongue about my fear.
He knows how I feel about it. He knows I get scared. I know that I have an alarm on the house. It has a panic button. I know that my parents are a phone call away. What if my power goes out in the middle of the night? What if some one breaks in the house anyways? What if? I need to suppress my what ifs. I'm getting better.
I think having my husband, as my husband works. He loves flashlights. We have probably 10 of them in one house. Two of which are police issue type and can be also used as a night-stick. I used to think his obsession with flash lights was ridiculous but I don't think so anymore. I now see it as a security blanket for me. I don't hyper ventilate anymore when the power goes out in the house. I know where at least three flash lights are if I need one. They are strategically placed around the house. My husband must know I need them in the same place at ALL times. So I think this year I may be able to handle being ALONE IN THE DARK.

I'm still worrying about it until that week gets here. I have a few weeks to prepare myself for those days. Hopefully God doesn't plan a rainstorm that weekend. If that happens the power might get knocked out. Living in the woods on a dirt road definitely has it's disadvantages.
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3 comments:

Henninger Family said...

I have that same fear! When John was gone for a week I could not watch any of my scarey shows...I almost went and stayed at my parents' house :) Good luck when he leaves!!

We 2 B's said...

Fear is such a hard thing, it's almost impossible to ignore. Maybe you and the kids can all sleep together, have a giant sleep over in your room. Try not to stress too much in the coming weeks and hang on to those flashlights. It's true God always provides a way for us to handle anything - yours just happens to be flashlights provided by your wonderful husband. Good Luck!

Stepping On Cheerios said...

You poor thing! Maybe you should have a couple of glasses of wine on the nights he's gone, always knocks me right out!