Thursday, January 13, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: Hiding Behind the Proud

I know this is a day late, but I wanted to link up this week.


Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)




I have avoided posting about this because of fear. Fear about what others might think about me. Fear that I will be judged. But this is who I am and who I was.
Do you what it's like to not be able to control yourself? It starts with something agitating you and then you lose your temper. But it doesn't stop there, it boils over and before you know it everything around you scratches at you and you lash out at anyone in your path. Not physically, but verbally lashing. When it's all over and you've calmed down, you feel guilt. HUGE GUILT. You apologize and those that you have affected accept your apology and you go on. You say it won;t happen again, but it does. Again and again and again.
It gets worse, each time escalating into more. And before you know it, you don't who you are. Who is this person that I am or have become? You tell yourself that you're going to stop being that way. You pray to God that he will give you the strength to control yourself. Then something happens, you're running late to work and you lash out and scream at everyone. You blame God for not giving you the strength and will power to hold yourself together. You blame everyone else for making the problems. If only the kids moved faster and didn't dawdle in the morning. If only that guy in the car in front of you would go faster, you wouldn't have to get mad. It's their fault, not yours. Spiraling out of control you finally break down and go against what you didn't want to do. Get medical help.
After one awful morning of running late, yelling at the kids you finally make the call. Practically in tears with the receptionist you tell them why you want to see the doctor. She fits you an appointment that morning. You breath a sigh of relief that you might finally be able to end the chaos, the rage.
The doctor prescribes you with some medicine and schedules you for a follow up appointment in one month. After two weeks on the pills, you actually feel normal. Things that once bothered you don't seem to matter as much but there is still an edginess to certain occurrences. You see the doctor again and he increases your dosage and adds more pills. After a week of taking the new combination you notice that life is better enjoyed. That your kids don't have that look of worry on their faces when they spill milk all over the table. You actually laugh at the spectacle of spilled milk dripping on the floor.
Is this what normal is? Why was it so hard to admit that I had a problem that I couldn't solve myself? That I needed help. Was I too proud?

10 comments:

Shell said...

It's so hard to admit when we need help. I'm glad you found the strength to ask.

purseblogger said...

{{{HUGS}}}
You are very brave and I applaud you for publishing this. You will help many by doing this.
I am so glad you are feeling better and that you are enjoying life better.
Love you girl!

singedwingangel said...

As a mother of a bipolar and the daughter of one let me tell you that admittance is hard for anyone. I can tell you my mom is 72 and she still swears that my son got his disorder from me. I was bad but I can not hold a candle to him or her. You got help before it got you too bad. Unfortunately my sisters and I have too many memories of mom's rages. Many of which she has no memory of at all.

We 2 Bees said...

Thanks for sharing! I appreciate your honesty! And that you were able to get the help that you need and that is able to help you feel better about the wonderful person you are!
Love ya!!

Tylaine said...

You were brave to write this Tiffany. I can relate to a lot of what you said and it certainly is not easy to admit we need help. I'm glad you found the strength to get help and ofcourse the ultimate help, our Heavenly Father. God Bless!

Casey said...

oh sweetie don't feel bad. I too needed help and what it took to make me realize the help I needed was bad and I mean really bad. After i got put on medicine and feel normal. I am so ashamed of what I did but it was like I couldn't control myself, it was like I lost all my power. You are very strong and an amazing man

Dysfunctional Mom said...

It's like you have been looking in my windows.
I started my meds a few years ago and it's one of the best decisions I ever made. I thank God for them, and for the insurance that helps me pay for them.
I think what hurt me the most was the uncertain looks the kids would give me to gauge my reactions, and once when my daughter exclaimed with surprise, "OH! Youre in a good mood today!"

Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

Hi Tiffany, good for you!
You're very brave, I wish I could be like you.
Already a follower...just checking out my followers and I'd love if you'd follow me back.

Have a nice weekend
Betty

Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

Hi Tiffany, good for you!
You're very brave, I wish I could be like you.
Already a follower...just checking out my followers and I'd love if you'd follow me back.

Have a nice weekend
Betty

Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

Hi Tiffany, good for you!
You're very brave, I wish I could be like you.
Already a follower...just checking out my followers and I'd love if you'd follow me back.

Have a nice weekend
Betty