Sunday, January 10, 2010

Best friend

Three days ago I said goodbye to my friend, companion and fur-baby. It wasn't an easy decision by any means. I had struggled with making that choice for some time but his quality of life was deteriorating. No amount of money could fix his problems and I couldn't see my poor dog, my friend, wear doggy diapers. My heart hurts so bad without him here. I cried most of the day on Saturday. I kept rethinking about standing in the vet exam room holding my beloved friend. He was shaking and nervous as he always was when he had to go to vet. I comforted him and cried into his fur. I kept telling myself that this was the best thing for him. I was glad that the vet seemed to be taking his time to come into the room. I think now, maybe I was hoping that I could just run out the door and take him with me. What good would that have done? He was getting on in age. He was nearly blind, his hearing was almost gone and he was incontinent.

I knew years ago that when this day came I would be a train wreck emotionally. I am regretting my decision right now. I wish I could turn back the clock and have him here with me now. But I know that it would have only been delaying the inevitable. It's just so hard to think about life without him. He was my rock during troubling times before marriage. He was my baby before my children were born. He was my morning alarm when I didn't feel like waking to the real one. How will I ever fill that hole in my heart for my baby dog? I have these moments where I can't stand it without him and I cry. I know that I will go on, but I am sad. I want to throw myself on his grave in my backyard. I know I sound crazy but dog or not, he was a faithful companion.

I know that I will heal. It will take time. I just wish my shadow was here, getting under my feet and getting in the way during dinner. I know he is in my heart and I can think about the good times. I don't plan on forgetting his mug. He will live forever in my heart.

RIP "Nitzl" 04/15/95-01/09/10

2 comments:

The Blue Sparrow said...

Oh no, I am so sorry! I will be a mess when my dog, daisy passing. They are just as much a part of the family as any children I think. *HUGS*

We 2 B's said...

I'm so sorry! I know how hard this is. And I think it's a good thing you are mourning and remembering all the happy times you guys had together. It doesn't make the pain any less but it does put smiles next to the pain. Hang in there!