Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: Broken Silence

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

When it rains it pours. I had originally decided that I wasn't going to blog about what happened between my husband and I a few weeks ago but it has come to a head. I have to pour this out on paper or via blogging because there comes a time when things shall be known. I need moral support and a sense of peace about it.
A few weeks ago my husband walked out on me. It had been a long rough week for me since I was busy with Vacation Bible School every evening. My husband had the responsibility of picking up Little E from me and taking him home for dinner, bath and bed. The last night of VBS all the parents were invited to share the events with their child and Miss K wanted her daddy with her. On my way to the church my husband calls me and and tells me he is "too tired. he has had a long day and just wants to go home."
I was crushed. Little E was looking forward to staying with his sister and without their dad there it wouldn't be possible. I took it pretty hard and got very upset about it. Stressed and not in the mood to deal with it I told my husband to "just go. Go home then." He left.
But I didn't let it go at that. I was shocked that he actually just left me there to watch Little E and run my lesson with 30 other children. I started texting him and it wasn't very nice. We exchanged nasty words and then I got busy for the evening with my lesson. At then end of the night I tried texting him again. No answer.

I tried calling his cell phone. No answer.

I tried calling the house phone. No answer.. I texted him several more times. Nothing. The pit of my stomach dropped. Something wasn't right. Fear took over and I gathered the kids and headed home. Several more phone calls were made the drive home and I couldn't get there fast enough. Pulling up my road I saw that my husband's car was gone. I was terrified to walk into the house but not to alarm the kids I left them in the van with a DVD playing.
I was left a note. The note in so many words explained that he had had enough of my crap, that this was the last straw and he was NOT coming back. That our relationship was not healthy and that I should not try to contact him. He said I would not find him and that he was ok.
I fell to the floor sobbing. I was in complete utter shock!!

One argument and he leaves? We had worse fights than that and he walks out?! He walks away from me and our kids?! A note! A DEAR JOHN LETTER!
In my desperate moment I called my mom. I guess I was thinking like a child and hoped that my mom could fix this. She couldn't believe my words. She couldn't comprehend what I was saying between the sobs and the whining. She said to try and stay calm and she would be right there. Of course this was nothing that my mom could fix and later I realize that calling mom wasn't the best idea but when you're in complete shock you don't think clearly.

During the time it took her to get there I had time to collect my thoughts and reread the note. I looked around the house to see what he had packed and tried to calm myself. I knew that I had to remain calm and be strong for the kids. At this point, they were more important. They are one of the main reasons I function daily and letting them in on what was going on was not going to happen.So I followed the regular routine of baths and bed for the kids and my mom arrived.

I tried to make light of the reason she was there and kept up with my calm demeanor. She tried to convince me to pack up some belongings and bring the kids to her house. I wasn't going any where until he came back. My husband had not packed any clothes for work and I knew he had to be home by Sunday evening to be ready for work Monday morning. I was going to be there to face him head on when he got back. He may have walked out while I was gone but he was going to face me ready or not.

The weekend was a blur.

My close and dear friends were the best moral support and I am thankful that God placed them in my life. If I had not had those two ladies to advise me, guide me and let me cry on their shoulders I may have not made it. I did my best to compose my moods in front of the kids and telling them that daddy was with friends for the weekend. It was easy to say that because he has gone on fishing/hunting trips that keep him away for a few days. I tried to get information from his parents but they were like dead ends. Not giving me much to go on other than that they didn't want to get in the middle of it and that he needed time to cool off and think about things.

I had plenty of time to think about things myself and pray to God. I was at one of my lowest points in my life and I needed him to give me guidance and answers. I was giving myself to him and was leaving it in his will. I asked for strength to stay composed and not lose sight of what I wanted, I asked for faith that if it didn't go well that God would be there and I prayed for forgiveness. I realized that I had tried to control my husband for too long and now I had no control. I could not control this situation and that every fiber of my being was being tested.

Sunday morning I took my children to my mother's house so they would not be there during our confrontation. Since our last text conversation my husband had said to leave him alone and until that morning I had done just that. My patience was withering so I texted him and told him that as his wife, I deserved to know when he would be back that day. That this had gone on long enough and that he needed to come home and face his problem.

While I was gone settling the kids in at my mom's house he came home. I pulled in to my driveway and saw him standing there. All weekend I battled with how I was going to approach him. My controlling side wanted me to scream at him but my practical side told me to calmly deal with it and listen to him. Which is exactly what I did. I held back tears and standing in his presence I felt empty. My husband who usually makes me feel complete was not filling that hole in my heart.
He explained why he needed to leave, that if he had stayed and tried to work it out that nothing would have been accomplished. That we would have yelled, screamed and nothing would have been resolved. That by me trying yet once again to control him was the final straw. He felt that our relationship had fallen apart and that the only thing keeping us together was the children. He confessed that he had been feeling this way for quite some time and it had been building. He was still unsure of where he wanted to go. He wasn't prepared for me to react so calmly and thought I was going to go into a tirade and it would have just ended.

I grew up that weekend. I knew that if anything was going to work I was going to have to learn to be open minded. I was going to have to let go of my need to always control situations and learn to let go. I am in no way taking all the blame because I was not the one who walked away. I still don't fully understand why he had to walk out but he says that was the only way he could make me see that I can't control everything. We have both been working through this one day at a time.

My husband has learned that he needs to communicate with me. Communication is a key factor in a relationship and if you can't tell the other person how you feel then it's going to fall apart. His opening up his feelings is slow going and I am more patient with his timidness in admitting when I am doing something that he doesn't agree with. We are discussing problems instead of arguing about them. One day at a time.

I have been tentative about discussing this openly since only a handful of people know what went on that weekend. I am embarrassed about the fact that my husband walked out. Embarrassed to admit that my marriage is not perfect. Embarrassed to admit that I have faults that I do not like about myself and have a hard time changing: control issues, jealousy, and anger. But I believe that by openly admitting my faults I can let go of them and grow.


Rose said...

I hear your sadness.fear and frustration. I don't know many couples who don't have problems. I agree that over the weekend you grew up. it's hard to face another person when we are upset and most likely say the wrong words and actions. If we can get ourselves together than it will be a better situation talking with the other person. It's like we need time out. Talking is the key. I don't feel your husband should have left like he did. He should have been more open re the marriage. Take each day, you both might still get upset, but with God's help and learning patience you and your husband may see a difference in the marriage, hopefully for the good. God Bless. rose

Unknown said...

I took time after reading this to see if I could come up with something perfect but I couldn't. I felt your pain in your words and my heart ached for you. I appreciate your openness and it made me feel better because my marriage has been through some rough patches and it makes me realize that we are not alone. Every marriage goes through rough times. I pray that things get better and that you are able to work this out and no one hurts anymore. I wish I had something magical to say for you.

Cyndy Bush said...

Wow, this is such a difficult situation. I'm so sorry all of that happened. I hope that it works out for the best for your family.

Tylaine said...

Oh Tiffany, how I wish I could give you a big hug right now!!! I can relate with a lot of what you said and in a way it's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm so glad that things are slowly getting better for you. Marriage takes so much work and it's not just two people, it's three. You, Your Husband and God.

We 2 Bees said...

My heart is breaking for what you are going through. Don't be embarassed! Ever. ALL marriages have problems. I've been there! I'm sorry you are going through this. With prayer and constant working on the problems you will find a way to figure things out. I'm so glad that you are able to look at the situation and learn something that is awesome! I so wish I was closer to give you a big gaint hug... I love you! And if you ever need me I'm a phone call away. I'm praying that God will continue to provide all that you need!

Shell said...

None of us has a perfect marriage. And sometimes, an event like this is almost needed to show us what we need to work on in our marriages and the things that need to change- we see what's really important.

Saying prayers that you two are able to work through this and come out of it stronger than you ever were.

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Cindy said...

Good for you for sharing your have nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud of you for sharing, and for working on your marriage. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Di said...

We have these moments in our marriage too. Its a rough rough road and sometimes we too have felt it is just easier to walk away - but we haven't yet. That being said Communication is a hard thing to keep going all the time. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being open... It's good for many to know we are not alone in our struggles! I'm your newest follower- found you on the Nestwork... Love your blog! Come visit me if you'd like.