Pour Your Heart Out

It's no fun to feel disconnected. Having no feeling whatsoever and being indifferent. I am not happy with myself about feeling like this but I'm not sure how else to feel. This may be a result of my former self before I found God. My attitude of putting up a wall and not letting anyone in.

But I haven't been enjoying my mood about my church lately. I'm not mad at God but I'm unsure of the direction that I'm being led. I'm not sure, am I reading the wrong signs? In the past I have had thoughts that maybe I'm in the wrong church. But until two weeks ago, the thoughts were in the back of my mind.

Little E was bitten in the church nursery and I understand that biting happens in a group of toddlers. But what should not happen is that neither I or my husband not being informed. As I was approaching our outdoor cross I noticed Little E had something red on his cheek. I thought maybe one of the ladies has kissed him and tried to rub off the lipstick. But it wasn't lipstick. A closer observation of his cheek answered what it was. A bite! I asked him who bit him and it happened to be a child from the "other" church. Great.

The "other" church is a church that meets in my church's fellowship hall and has combined some services with ours. One of the combined services was the nursery. Our nursery attendant left and finding it easier, my church agreed that the other church would use our nursery and watch all the babies and toddlers. Recently they changed attendants and I wasn't excited about the new lady watching E.

Now this incident confirms my feelings about her. I know that I should not judge a book by it's cover but this time my gut was right.

I was pretty upset about finding out that he was bitten and said something to my mother (who attends the same church) and she advised me to tell Margy, the head of Worship at our church. She seemed a little concerned about his wound and said we would have to talk with the other church.
I wasn't satisfied with her answer and lack of concern.

Monday morning I called the church President Laura to give her the details of what happened on Sunday. She told me that she already knew about it. Obviously, Margy had spoken with our Pastor and he immediately wrote an email to the other church's Pastor and forwarded it to Laura. I was surprised that she said anything based on her reaction about it the day before. Laura told me that it would get handled and that we would get to the bottom of it.

That evening the other church's Pastor Pat called me and said that she had spoken to the adult nursery attendant and was told that she didn't see it happen. (uh huh, sure) Pat had not spoken to the teen helper as of Monday evening but she would be questioning her too. She explained to me that she expects the nursery to run like a daycare; with incident reports if an accident happens, including speaking with the children about what happened and both parents being notified of the incident. She told me that maybe the boys were rough housing in the nursery but that shouldn't be going on. She said that the nursery staff is supposed to be teaching a lesson every Sunday. (oh really??) She reassured me that she would be talking to the nursery staff again and going over the class requirements and procedures.

We didn't go to church the following Sunday.

We took the kids to Disney instead. Not intentionally missing church because of the nursery incident. But it worked out that way.

Last Wednesday I was having doubts about going to church on Sunday. If I wasn't obligated to serve as a Deacon I would have skipped again and not even thought about it. I don't believe that nursery attendant didn't see it. If she didn't see it happen then where was the teen attendant? Or did she see it happen and didn't want to say anything to protect the child from her church? Either idea is bad. Either one does not make a safe place for my child to be. I can't go to church and leave my son in the care of some one I don't trust. Which leaves my husband or myself staying home with my son and two people miss out on the Word of God.

So I called my pastor to speak with him about my issues with the nursery. I explained to him that I was not comfortable sending Little E in the nursery if things have not changed. I told him about my doubts in her story and he pretty much looked at me dumbfounded. That is the best way I can describe it. He said "well, maybe we need to hire our own nursery attendant again."

Oh really??? Maybe? MAYBE? Maybe is not good enough for me. I told him that I know how daycare works. Sadly, I've dealt with not so good day cares. But the difference is that I pay them and if I don't like them I pull my kid out. In this situation I'm stuck complaining to my church who then has to say something to the other church and so forth. Blah, blah, blah.
It's ridiculous.

I got an email from my mother that was a conversation between my Pastor and the other Pastor. It said that there would be two adults in the nursery. So I went to church on Sunday. I still wasn't happy about it. I really don't like to say that but I didn't feel anything standing in the house of God. I was mad. I did not send my son to the nursery. My husband and I kept him in the sanctuary with us and tried to entertain him while trying to listen to a sermon. Little E couldn't contain his 2 1/2 year old voice and kept talking loudly.

My husband took him outside for a few minutes. I asked my husband to check in on the nursery and see what was going on in there. The same unreliable nursery attendant and her teen helper were in there again. Were they teaching a lesson? No. What were they doing? Playing. What happened to the Bible lesson? I plan on finding out.

This Thursday the Worship Committee is having a meeting. A meeting that was planned because I want change.
I am on that committee.
The Pastor will be there.
I hope God will be there.

I will need to pray that my fears are answered and the church will find a new nursery attendant. Because if they don't. I will have no choice but to find a new church home. I don't like being that way. I'm not planning on being threatening about it. I have to do what I know and feel is right for my family. For my children.