Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out: 17 Years Ago

Pour Your Heart Out

It's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing.

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Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

The other night I was having a discussion with my husband about this crazy saying that was repeated over and over in high school by my peers. I won't repeat it because it's vulgar but it came from that show SouthPark. It's something he laughs about but I never saw the show ever.
I never watched the show because my mom never allowed us to watch MTV after school and I've always thought I led a sheltered life. I tell my husband this a lot because I was oblivious to things that happened around me growing up because my parents kept me from it. I was not allowed to go to parties, after school functions or hang out at my friends house after school. My brothers and I were expected to walk home from the bus stop, call mom, do our chores and then do our homework.
I truly believe that once I got out from under their thumb I went a little wild. I found hanging out with the bad crowd was fun! Under the pretenses that I was spending the night at my friend's house I was sneaking out and we were going to parties, hanging out with boys and smoking. Life was good. Then I got into BIG trouble. My world came crashing down and my mother pulled the plug on that life. If she could have she would have locked me in a closet and home schooled me.
So high school sucked. I tried to gain my parents trust back for four years and inch by inch I was able to get a little freedom. I dated guys that were not anyone I knew and had bad luck in relationships. So the entire time from my freshman year to my senior year I always thought I had this stigma on my back. I even thought my husband knew the dirty truth about my bad reputation from middle school. I thought that people were talking about me, whispering behind my back and I kept a low profile. But maybe I was wrong.?

Fast forward to the conversation with my husband.

I thought all through high school that people were talking shit and I shot low in life. He tells me that he never knew anything about me before we met. What?! I was always keeping a low profile, going for the jerks because I figured I never had a chance with the hot guys and was I wrong? Was I? I am not saying I regret my husband at all because he has been my rock even through the thick and thin of our lives together. But where would I be if I had realized that my reputation wasn't as shitty as I thought. Would we be together?
I am and was such a paranoid and I have realized that it held me back. It has held me back for years. Until recently, my paranoia about how others perceive me has held me back and ruined friendships. I worry that people are mad at me because they don't talk to me for a few days or something.
What have I learned about all this? That it doesn't matter even if people are talking about you. You have to know that no one knows the real you unless they walk in your shoes and you can't let your actions and pasts decide your future. Shit happens. If those same people have to worry about what bad stuff you have done, then it's pretty possible that they haven't kept their nose clean either. They probably have done something ten times worse and have to compare themselves to you to make themselves feel better. And people always, ALWAYS remember the dirt. It takes ten good things to outdo one bad thing.


Laurel said...

Great thoughts. It's so hard not to care what people are saying--I haven't mastered it yet. But it can be such a freeing thing. I'm glad that you weren't seen as badly as you thought you were.

I figure everyone around me has done something at least close to as dumb as the things I've done at least once. So I agree about people making comparisons to their own behavior. It's too bad that people choose to remember the negative instead of the positive!

Tammy said...

I was brought up the same way! It was tough and I was always known as the goodie two shoes! I went wild in college, my 1st opportunity. I think we have learned alot from it but in two different ways!

Stopping by from PYHO...I am your newest follower!

Melissa said...

I can totally relate! I really feel like we could have a cup of coffee, share our stories, and find out we have A LOT in common.

It's impossible not to care what others think about you. Our reputations are very valuable. I think we shouldn't let what others think about us define how we see ourselves or stop us from doing what we know is the right thing.

I'm happy for you that you got a little sense of closure about those high school years. I hope it brings some healing for you.

Kerri said...

How do you feel about yourself? Isn't that what we're supposed to focus on?
I avoid old high school friends if I see them in public. They don't *know* me and why should I waste time rehashing my past with them when it always seems they bring up the negative stuff.
Even feeling like a different person nowadays it's way to easy to re-visit those feelings.
Great post!

Shell said...

I always think, though, that while people will talk for a little bit, they then move on to the next scandal and forget about the previous one.

I hope you've been able to let all of that go, too.

Tylaine said...

Good Post Tiffany! You're right that noone really knows you and how you think other people think is usually nothing close to what they think :) I certainly have a hard time with that.
I really hope that you can let go of that past and know that people really don't think anything bad of you or may not even be aware (not that it's important) Sounds like you sure have a wonderful caring husband too :)
P.S. Love your new layout!

Adrienne said...

Great post. The beauty of a past is that it is just that. A past! It's not you, it's not your present or your future. I wish I didn't care what people thought about me, but it can be a struggle. I hope you have been able to let go of that "reputation". Sometimes I wonder if we're the only ones hanging on to the past. Your hubsband didn't even know the old stuff. Stopping by from Shell's place. :)

adrienzgirl said...

Everyone was a teenager at some point, and everyone made mistakes they regret. We just have to own them, they taught us valuable lessons. We wouldn't be the same without learning each and every lesson. We just have to remember to move past those things.

I really don't let what other people perceive me as define me. I don't care if they like me or not. I am who I am, and I figure there are plenty of people out there for me to find ones with similar life experiences. :D

Chin up!

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we could go back and redo high school with the benefit of the wisdom we gain later in life...I constantly worry what others think and always have, but its more from my own freakish moral center, one that I have no idea where it came from, than pressure from anyone else.

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