Pour Your Heart Out-Sweet Baby Girl

This week I am talking about this part of my life that has been suppressed. Please don't judge me for my actions. We are all human and we make mistakes and choices that we may or may not regret later. I am thankful that Shell has come up with this meme. It makes it easier to let it off my chest because I am not alone.



I don't know why I didn't insist that Miss K at 2 years old sit in the shopping cart seat. I must have been having one of those days where I felt like letting her do what she wanted. I put her sit in the basket part as long as she sat down. I should have made her stay sitting or put her in the seat because she wasn't doing as she was told. Pushing the cart around a corner to switch isles, Miss Kay fell out and hit her head. Pretty hard. REALLY hard. Hard enough to hear that smack! I will never forget that day. It was not my shining moment as a mother. But it doesn't end there. I probably should have taken her to her pediatrician that day. But I was embarrassed. I will never know if taking her there that day would have prevented anything from happening.
A few weeks later, it was regular Friday morning at home. I was making breakfast for K, getting ready for work, and having a hard time getting her to eat. It was nothing out of the ordinary to struggle with K to get her to eat. She got out of her chair and threw herself on the floor having a temper tantrum. I scolded her to get up but she didn't do it and laid on the floor. I wasn't going to have that so I went to pick her up and she was lifeless. I looked into her face and called her name KAY! and her eyes rolled back into her head. I tried to rustle her ( I don't want to say shake because I don't need anyone thinking I shook my baby girl because I didn't) and she still did not respond. By now, I'm yelling her name at her KAYYYYYYYY! KAYYYYYYYYYY! Trying to wake her , But nothing was working. She was breathing, but unresponsive. I called my mother in hysterics who told me to hang up and call 911. As I was on the phone with the emergency technician I continued to try and revive my child and explain what was going on. I had moved Kay to the couch while I prayed that the EVAC would just get there. Then she woke up and looked at my face and said "hi mommy", like nothing ever happened. I wrapped my arms around my sweet, baby girl and told the technician on the phone that she was awake. Moments later, the EVAC team arrived and checked vitals. Everything checked okay and I dismissed going in the ambulance and taking her to the hospital.
Where was she ? What happened in that 5 minutes that my daughter blacked out? It all came rushing back to me, the day at Target when she fell out of the shopping cart. Did she have a concussion or a brain bleed? I called the pediatrician as soon as possible that morning and they rushed us in.
One of the wonderful pediatricians at the practice we use thoroughly checked Kay over and prescribed that we have an EEG and an MRI done at Arnold Palmer Hospital. I wasn't taking any chances and called to schedule right away.
The EEG results came back normal but the MRI results found some excess white matter. One of the doctors said maybe the slide was read wrong because Kay was a full term baby that weighed over 8lbs at birth and the results pointed to a condition that only preemies get. I wasn't satisfied and scheduled an appointment to question further. The doctor told my husband and I that Kay possibly has Periventricular Leukomalacia.
He said that we should get another MRI done in a year and as long as the results come back the same we wouldn't need to do another for about 5 years after that. I should have never googled the condition because it frightened me. I won't go into detail about what the outcomes are because they may never happen. We took Kay for her second MRI about 18 months after the first one and the results were still the same and that's a good thing. No change is good.
As I write this today I wonder if God was telling me that we needed to know. That her falling out of the cart was the first indication to get her to a doctor. I'll never know. I honestly have pushed her condition out of mind, I don't think about it. For me, she is a normal child. She really is, she's a healthy, smart active 6 year old. I pray to God that she stays this way and nothing changes.